Who a Woman Is and What She Wants

Who a Woman Is and What She Wants

I have had this energy about me for the last several days surrounding who women are meant to represent, what they thrive off of and what they need, want, and desire.

Ironically, as I typed out the title of this random blog post I also google-searched ‘International Women’s Day 2022’ and found out it is tomorrow!! If that isn’t the universe speaking to me, I don’t know what is…

So one might think that being a therapist and being a woman I would know the answers to all of this, but I didn’t, until I really gave it some thought. Let’s just say ‘age and experience’ has provided me with some hard-acquired wisdom. And quite honestly, I feel that most of us women walk around this world not even knowing what our desires are.

We were raised to be proper, pretty, and prim but, most importantly, to be obedient. How often did we hear things like “good girls don’t do that “? We might be told things like ‘follow that gut instinct” and “nothing is more powerful than a woman’s intuition,” but these run counter to a deeper messaging that’s instilled almost from birth: that we should feel guilty about following our own wishes.

There is some truth in a woman’s intuition indeed. We have levels of emotion – a feelings side of us that is like no other. Our physiology compliments this by providing us with a monthly hormonal cycle that is delicate and plays a large role in providing us with the intuition and guidance within us. Although many women see this as a curse, it should be seen as our strength. If we only had more insight towards these hormonal changes cycling through our veins, I think we would be more forgiving towards ourselves. But, as with so many things about female anatomy, our hormonal cycles are woefully understudied.

A woman is powerful, intellectual, incredibly talented and insightful but also has a massive ability to feel and connect. We are feeling creatures and because of this, we often allow others’ words and behaviours to stop us from doing what our heart long for us to do. The emotive part of ourselves is often what stops us before we start. Over the generations, societal pressures played a strong role in the messaging that girls need only to play with dolls and not be confrontational, whilst hearing “boys will be boys”, and thus let them just be.

What we need instead is to honour our needs and not apologize for having these strong desires. We need to begin to listen to our thoughts and not displace them for ‘when we have the time’. We need to sit with the thoughts of not aligning our needs with what is in front of us – our reality. We need to change our reality to fit our desires – by….changing our thoughts we have about our needs. Define what your needs are and then start telling yourself these desires are available to me, but only if I truly believe they are…and YES they are!

“Define what your needs are and then start telling yourself these desires are available to me, but only if I truly believe they are…and YES they are!”

via @luellajonk

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You take the thoughts about your desires and wants, and put emotion and feelings behind the thoughts (as if you are already there). In other words, feel as if your desires are already happening and stay with that energy – vibrate in that energy and pratice staying in that state – and your dreams will come true. Work with me – and you will see this for yourself.

I cannot end this post without telling men what women want out of a relationship. Even though I hear men tell me that women are complicated entities, we are no more complicated than they are. We are at the bare minimum in simplicity. We want true connection. We want you to listen to us from the depths of your intellect – not solve our problems for us (unless we ask you to). We want you to honour our feminine energy and step back when we are distracted and distant and move towards us when we feel strong and desirable. We want to know you have our backs no matter what. We want to know that you support all of our heartfelt desires and needs. We want you to applaud our achievements and give us a hug when we fail. We want you to take the time to understand us. We want you to ask us ‘what do you need from me today’? We don’t necessarily need the compliments and flowers, but we might? We need you to be a dedicated dad and we need you to love yourself and honour your own needs.

If any of this has resonated with you – work with me.

To end, I wanted to share a song with you that my 17 year old son shared with me. He asked me ‘ do you know this song mom?’ I answered ‘yes! An oldie but a goody!’ and was delighted to know that he actually listens to music such as this piece. I hope he is able to say these words to his partner someday – I know it will mean a lot to her, and to me as his mother.

Women – be kind to yourselves today and always. Give yourself the grace to take time for yourselves – journal, walk, meditate and breathe.

Stop Telling Yourself Lies

Stop Telling Yourself Lies

The lie I have been telling myself for a long time is, “I love to cook’. Truth be told…

I HATE COOKING.

There you have it. Black and white, dead honest. I have been seemingly torturing myself for years, trying to convince myself I do like to cook. But gosh, it feels so damn freeing to say I hate cooking. I am sorry if you thought my revelation might be more dramatic than this…but more me – it was profound.

On a subconscious level, I want to enjoy cooking. Afterall, I often proclaim ‘food is medicine’. Wholesome food that comes from the earth is so nurturing and I truly believe it can heal a person completely.

But I hate cooking.

The idea of spending two hours of my Sunday doing meal prep sounds as appealing as trying to nail Jell-O to a wall, and just like cooking, the idea of cleaning up the damn Jell-O after attempting the act is even more repulsive. It is not so much the act of cleaning, because I love to clean…it is more of the idea of spending countless hours in the kitchen with little reward. At most I get other family members eating and then running away, sometimes with a thanks, quite often not, and more often with an attitude of, “What is this, Mom?”. Or, ‘Why do you keep making this stuff Mom?’ Okay, maybe the lentil/kale/butternut/quinoa casserole with the crispy tofu and vegan alfredo sauce was a bit of a stretch … but I try so hard! I get on a mission to come up with new recipes because perhaps, in my mind, I will finally find the best recipe: one that is super easy, super tasty, probably hitting all colours of the rainbow (got to get those phytonutrients, nutrient dense, super foods in there) and so on.

“The more we get curious about ourselves with unconditional love, the happier we get.”

via @luellajonk

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So, it seems then, there are parts of us that we admire and perhaps proud of, and then there are other parts that we do not particularly care for… Have you ever wondered why? Why don’t you like this characteristic about yourself? After all, there is no one description of the ideal human being, is there? I don’t know who that person would be…do you? Sure, we could all likely describe that ideal person in our mind – but that is YOUR perception of the ideal person and similarly, a perspective of how the world and your environment SHOULD be. This reminds me of what one might be searching for in a soulmate, and I am quite sure that your version is different from mine. So who is right and who is wrong?

The answer is neither because that is just our perspective, our culture and grooming of the mind. That is our belief. I want you to start challenging these beliefs more. Are these truths or lies that you have been telling yourself? If you like this about yourself, then continue to believe it and celebrate and reward yourself. If you don’t, then start being honest and behaving differently to feel differently. A feeling that may bring you more joy in life.

Now, back to the question of why you might not like these character traits? The most likely reason is that your experiences shaped you in believing not to celebrate that trait, characteristic or behaviour. Research in child development has demonstrated self-programming (thoughts, habits and beliefs) are established prior to the age of 7. This is why the Jesuits say, “give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man.” Realize as well, this trait CAN be very culturally based.

That Jesuit quote is the formula/program/protocol for how we think, feel, and behave throughout our lives. Some of it is genetic, but most of it is through learned behaviour. The behaviour was either modelled to us or taught to us in another form, perhaps from the words we heard spoken around us. If I was raised by a tribe of Ugandans, I doubt that I would have an obsession for peanut butter sandwiches, which happened to be a staple in my elementary school lunches. I would also have completely different religious beliefs, fears, needs and desires. My habit formation would be like those of other Ugandans. According to the current society I live in, my behaviours (tendencies and habits) would be viewed as good, bad or neutral.

I’ve tried meal kits. You would think I might embrace them, right? When that box first arrived on my doorstep, I already felt a sense of dread about what might be lurking inside that box (even though I chose the meals – likely in haste). I needed to push myself to open it and when I did, what I found stressed me out even more: colorful recipe cards that described how to make each meal step by step, along with a suggested time frame to complete. This stressed me out even more. What if I didn’t complete it in this time frame, would that count as a failed attempt? What if I wanted to do step 3 before step 1 – then what? I was tempted to bury the box in the backyard to hide all evidence of it, but the food waste guilt would be too much for me. I’m the kind of person who will still eat the leftovers off my children’s plates rather than throwing it in the bin when cleaning up after a meal.

My husband has a completely different relationship to cooking. It baffles me to hear him whistling in the kitchen while preparing a meal. What, I think to myself, are you actually enjoying yourself? How is this possible?

I am always trying to analyze my behaviour – one of the drawbacks of being a therapist, I might add – so I wondered ‘what is it about the act of cooking that I dislike?’ Besides the lack of gratification from my children that is.

I came to realize it might be that I am not a big rule follower, so the whole idea of precise measurement and ‘steps’ does not bode well with my psyche. I discovered this about myself in first year psychology class at university. When the professor spoke of different theories of development or behaviour formation, I always thought to myself, “Just because this old dude from way back suggested this theory doesn’t mean we have to still believe in it, come on people!”. I love a good thought challenge. I also got C+ in that class, which was my lowest mark in post-secondary studies ever. Ha ha!!

It also may be because I don’t like doing acts or behaviours that ‘create disarray’. Just as Gretchen Rubin proclaims, ‘Outer order, inner calm’, so too is my motto. So, organizing, cleaning, tidying, etc. is my jam. Oh, I don’t make jam either, by the way, as you will have likely guessed. I don’t can garden produce and you will never see some sourdough ‘starter’ or something ‘sprouting’ in the corner of my kitchen. I prefer to buy it instead or, if it’s too expensive, do without. Everything I do in the kitchen needs to be very basic, quick, and simple.

The more we get curious about ourselves with unconditional love, the happier we get. However, it is equally important to look at our weaknesses (e.g., cooking) and figure out a solution. Lacking a love for cooking is a weakness, despite what I said about societal pressure. Why? Because cooking food at home is a skill that you do need to teach your children if you want them to succeed in health and wealth. Going out to eat is both costly and unhealthy. Restaurant food will always be loaded with more sugar, salt, fat, and processed seed oils because they need to make a profit and they aren’t going to do it with olive oil and pure maple syrup.

So how do I deal with these conflicting realities? My solution is to first admit this to my family and myself (with no apologies!). I am not going to pretend I am Wonder Woman in the kitchen when I am not. Secondly, I need to compromise. This may include me desperately bargaining/begging my husband and seeing what duties we can swap out. Need me to clean toilets? No problem, happy to do so! Also – when I do cook, I stick to the basics, which means I cook like my mom did. Stop attempting recipes you find in those NYT cooking videos or on the YouTube channel of some social media food goddess.

(That is the other ironic thing, I frick’n love watching cooking videos … what is up with that? Maybe it is me being fascinated with the well-organized and beautiful meals. I feel like a 5-year-old walking into the Magical Kingdom for the first time. Seriously, I feel like Peter Pan in Never-Never land – because to me – this act of cooking is truly Never-Never land.)

What is my idea of a great Sunday? Writing, finding a way to be in nature, cleaning, organizing, learning (usually through podcasts), perhaps grabbing a coffee, perhaps a bit of shopping, spending time with friends, family, etc. You’ll notice cooking isn’t on that list, and I shouldn’t have to apologize for that.. It is NOT me – and that is okay. I realize that the idea of loving to cook it is so culturally fixed in women’s psyche. It is at these times that I think of my own mother and say ‘Wow, how did you do it with 9 kids mom?’ Momentarily I feel incredibly guilty… but then I stop that thought habit and challenge it.

I remind myself that those were different times with different expectations, and honestly, I think my mom feels she is more fortunate than I because that life was a lot less complicated then. I think June Cleaver would agree. It is okay because my life is/was not her life, or any other woman’s life. Yes, culturally we are taught that we as women should embrace cooking food for our families. God knows I admire those women. But I am not one of them. And that is okay.

Intuitively, you may have noticed this post is a continuation of last week’s post on how to bring more joy in your life. I started to write to gain awareness of my thoughts. I realized that the before and after thoughts of preparing a meal put me in a place of dis-ease. I realized that after watching cooking videos, I felt guilty, bad, and useless. All these clues came through by allowing myself to slow down and gather my thoughts. I hope you can do the same this week.

Steps to Bring More Joy in Your Life

Steps to Bring More Joy in Your Life

The formula to bring more joy in your life is super simple. Here it is.

Move away from things that cause you distaste and do more things that bring you joy.

How is that for some mind-blowing insight? As you can see, you don’t need a PhD to figure this out.

So why do we find ourselves lacking joy? My guess is that we are not honest enough with ourselves. What are our likes and dislikes? Again, I ask you … What brings you joy? Sit with that question for a while and then begin writing. The act of writing should bring you closer to authenticity. It certainly has helped me and has helped many of my clients. As a therapist this is one of the biggest pitfalls my clients fall into. Often we find ourselves faking being someone we are not. Perhaps these are the do-it-all women that fake happy marriages or the executives that seemingly have it all together leading their team but end the day with a bottle of booze. What a horrible way to go through life. Honestly, I can’t think of something much worse than this.

Think about it. When we behave in a certain way that causes a pulling away from ourselves, rather than a pushing towards, we are not being our authentic self. This is what I meant by ‘causing a distaste’. You may not even realize how much of a pulling away this is for you. Later on, next week, I am going to tell you how I discovered something about myself that caused me a lot of ‘pulling away’, and I ignored it for years. I was trying to ignore it and push through it, rather than be authentic and face the truth.

I was having a conversation with a potential guest for my podcast (sort of an interview before the recorded interview) and he noted the same. He said that for years… he felt somewhat ashamed for being optimistic. (Can you imagine? Being ashamed that you are positive in nature?) The guest tends to always see ‘the bright side of life’. What some others view as ‘toxic positivity’. Then, one day he woke up and realized ‘I don’t need to apologize for this anymore!’ This is who he is – and no one has the right to call him down for it. It is a strength of his, yet there must have been a belief that had been instilled in him that told him it is not normal or natural or right to always be happy. This could have been caused by a parent who is highly irritable and angry at life, or it could be a ‘friend’ or ‘partner ‘who constantly made him believe it is wrong to feel what you feel. I use quotations because anyone telling you not to be authentic is neither a friend nor partner in life.

“Move away from things that cause you distaste and do more things that bring you joy.“

via @luellajonk

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So, it seems then, there are parts of us that we admire and perhaps proud of, and then there are other parts that we do not particularly care for… Have you ever wondered why? Why don’t you like this characteristic about yourself? After all, there is no one description of the ideal human being, is there? I don’t know who that person would be…do you? Sure, we could all likely describe that ideal person in our mind – but that is YOUR perception of the ideal person and similarly, a perspective of how the world and your environment SHOULD be. This reminds me of what one might be searching for in a soulmate, and I am quite sure that your version is different from mine. So who is right and who is wrong?

The answer is neither because that is just our perspective, our culture and grooming of the mind. That is our belief. I want you to start challenging these beliefs more. Are these truths or lies that you have been telling yourself? If you like this about yourself, then continue to believe it and celebrate and reward yourself. If you don’t, then start being honest and behaving differently to feel differently. A feeling that may bring you more joy in life.

Now, back to the question of why you might not like these character traits? The most likely reason is that your experiences shaped you in believing not to celebrate that trait, characteristic or behaviour. Research in child development has demonstrated self-programming (thoughts, habits and beliefs) are established prior to the age of 7. This is why the Jesuits say, “give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man.” Realize as well, this trait CAN be very culturally based.

That Jesuit quote is the formula/program/protocol for how we think, feel, and behave throughout our lives. Some of it is genetic, but most of it is through learned behaviour. The behaviour was either modelled to us or taught to us in another form, perhaps from the words we heard spoken around us. If I was raised by a tribe of Ugandans, I doubt that I would have an obsession for peanut butter sandwiches, which happened to be a staple in my elementary school lunches. I would also have completely different religious beliefs, fears, needs and desires. My habit formation would be like those of other Ugandans. According to the current society I live in, my behaviours (tendencies and habits) would be viewed as good, bad or neutral.

James Clear, the writer of Atomic Habits, also states similar propositions in his book. He suggests if we really want to study our habits, we should write out our routines and behaviours and then rate good, bad, or neutral. The point being that if we want to get rid of the bad, we need to dissect what reward we are getting by doing a behaviour which is considered bad. He provides all different suggestions as to how to minimize or undo the patterning that was established attached to the behaviour we once felt rewarding (but now somewhat despise). The easiest example that comes to mind is smoking. I haven’t met one smoker who loves the idea of identifying themselves as a smoker, but despite this, continue to smoke. Thus smoking is a great example of a behavior once viewed as desirable and a somewhat sexy behaviour, to now very undesirable due to societal influences. 

There are many many other more subtle examples of what society or your culture (friend culture, family culture, religious or work culture) is telling you what is right and what is wrong, and if we follow someone’s else’s beliefs  we often feel a lack of joy and deserving of punishment. Smoking is a clear example of how societal pressure plus scientific research shifted our way of viewing this behaviour. The use of seatbelts and bicycle helmets are other examples of how society shifted our beliefs towards a behaviour. 

However, there are other practices that we do daily which make us feel unhappy which are not based in science, but we do it largely from cultural and societal pressure. Deep down inside ourselves, we feel pulled to do it – or not do it, but the push against it is so strong. Yet we ignore it. We ignore the fact it will bring us more joy because our experiences have groomed us to believe otherwise. This is what I mean about challenging yourself and STOP doing the behaviours that you believe you SHOULD  be doing – while still being law-abiding citizens. 

I will give you a personal example  regarding my own thoughts – it was a thought that kept pulling me away from my authenticity. It is a thought I need to stop believing and seek forgiveness towards myself for thinking this crazy notion, that is highly culturally based. It came to me in a gobsmacking sort of way. This is the realization I made…

Yes, a cliff-hanger indeed. ☺ Meet you here next week.