This process is called reverse engineering or inversion thinking. What it essentially means is taking a broad overview of unsuccessful past businesses/events/situations and then specifically advises what NOT to do in order to prevent this from ever occurring again. A similar analogy can be made regarding health. A dietician or nutritionist would advise you to not eat processed food and not remain sitting all day.
John and Julie Gottman, the founders of the Gottman Institute for Marriage Counselling studied couples for over 40 years and they were able to discover why relationships falter and collapse under the weight of daily life. What they discovered was that there are more similarities than differences in terms of what couples typically complain about, blame, defend, and avoid during conflict. Bottom line, conflict is not only common, it is unavoidable. Therefore, let’s see if we can do better at it by not falling into the same traps that most couples find themselves in.
We can’t just trust that it will go well. We want to ensure that it will go well.
So let’s discuss all the things that will erode away your marriage:
- When having difficult conversations with your partner, respond with “Yes, but… “
- Do not compromise or negotiate or come to an agreement that you are mutually satisfied with.
- Never apologize or change the behavior that you are apologizing for. In other words, say sorry often, but continue the behavior.
- Multitask while your partner is speaking with you. Do not give your partner your full attention ever.
- Focus on all of your partner’s faults while simultaneously convincing yourself that this is why the relationship will not work.
- When picking a partner, convince yourself that all the negative traits you see in their parents will not be passed on to your partner.
- Diminutize the importance of drawing up terms and conditions for how to load the dishwasher, replace the toilet paper and paper towel roll when empty, frequency of sex, and division of financial responsibilities.
- Compete on career status and whose career is more important.
- Do not consider marriage as playing the long game, do not focus on the future, and do not have mutually similar perspectives.
- Women: Read a lot of Harlequin romance novels; Men: Watch a lot of porn – and both of you continue to live in La-La Land.
- Continually make your partner feel guilty for working.
- Continually make your partner feel guilty for not spending enough time with the family.
- Continually criticize your partner, especially in front of the children.
- Spend more time with your children than your partner, especially when it comes to co-sleeping.
- Spend more time with your parents than your partner.
- Constantly finish your partner’s sentence for them.
- Advise your partner how to cook when they are in the process of making a meal for you.
- Have multiple chat groups and ensure that you contribute to the group daily instead of daily connection with your partner.
- Spend more time and money on Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Uber Eats per month than self-development.
- Have multiple opposite-sex contacts on your phone and send them random ‘check-ins’ to see how they are doing.
- Choose a partner who provides you with a weekly or monthly allowance.
- Do not have an agreed maximum purchase amount for any one spend.
- Choose a partner who reassures you “Let me take care of the finances”.
- Choose a partner who refuses to masturbate and instead insists on intercourse only.
- Choose a partner who watches porn more than s/he has sex with you.
- Choose a partner who cries every time you have a difficult conversation.
- Choose a partner who is allergic to conflict.
- Choose a partner who believes therapy is for losers.
- Choose a partner who insists on partaking in a mind-altering drug to have a good time, relax, or be with friends.
- Choose a partner who starts every difficult conversation with “You make me feel…”.
- Choose a partner that needs you to make them happy.
- Choose a partner that needs you to make them money.
- Choose a partner who is extremely easy on your eyes but hard on your ears.
- Choose a partner who has never traveled, immersed themselves in another culture, or exposed themselves to alternative religious views.
- Tolerate silence, criticism, and disrespect, especially if done in front of the children.
Message me if you are confused or concerned about anything stated in here. Always happy to help.