Sorry, it’s a bit long, but it is worth it.
Men’s inability to express themselves could be one of the top complaints of women seeking counsel on their relationships.
My answer to them is always the same.
Be careful what you wish for.
If you have read my blog for some time, what I am about to explain will not be news to you.
Men, in general, will be less emotionally astute or able to be as vulnerable with their feelings and emotions as women. Yet, women desire this vulnerability strongly – they want to connect with their male partner emotionally, and they know the only way is to share deeply.
I am a woman, and I get it. I also consider myself an alpha woman who is slightly Type A and, one might say, somewhat less emotional and sensitive than some. I ‘blame’ this on my mother since she could be considered quite cold and to the point. I could tell you a few stories that would likely make you smile, but I will save that for another time. Let’s just say her method of delivery might be considered insensitive at times. Yet, I know she is madly in love with me and me with her. So does the delivery actually matter?
Yet, I also recognize that I have a much easier time opening up to my partner if he speaks to me with kindness and is non-critical and non-contemptive. So this acts as information to me; if I want my husband to open up and become more sensitive towards my feelings and more emotive about his feelings, then I must speak to him in a manner that allows for this.
To help you, consider employing the following:
1) Curiosity – ask many questions in a curious tone and have the questions relate to your feelings – not your observations of him. Do not ask questions while also dropping criticism. An example of this would be: “I was wondering why you feel the need to get shit-faced every Saturday night and sleep in every Sunday while I get up with the kids?”
You get the point.
2) Be kind. Think of his needs as much as your own. We all want to feel respected, loved, and appreciated. These are basic human needs. Your partner is no different than you in this respect.
3) Don’t get all emotional and start bawling or screaming with anger. I know you are likely passionate about what you are expressing, especially when sharing hurt rather than anger, but if you can’t deliver a message because you are crying, then you might come off as meek and wounded, rather than a woman who knows what she wants. Plus, if you become overly sad, he will even feel more useless because he feels farther away from being able to fix the problem.
You don’t want to use your emotions as a weapon. Be strong in your presentation. You wouldn’t start crying in the boardroom when presenting your questions or statements to the team or challenging your co-workers – would you? Grounded means neutral – no screaming, no extensive bawling, none of that – just state your observations, concerns, needs, and why you feel this way.
Sometimes, we just need to get back to the basics.
What I mean is this; whether you realise it or not, on a ‘rudimentary, foundational, primal level,’ you married this man to protect you in times of need (he has your back), provide financial support for your family, and a means to procreate.
That’s it. Whatever is built on top of that is icing on the cake. Your preferences, values and standards should be viewed as ‘a la carte’ or the dessert menu after the main course.
It is your responsibility to educate your potential partner on your preferences, standards, and boundaries prior to marriage. Not to say it can’t be done afterwards, but that is much more difficult, as you are likely already aware.
Relationships are a lot of work, and to be honest, so is life. It is full of suffering and hardships, just as it is full of happiness and extreme moments of joy.
It is up to you to create your most amazing relationship, but if you are determined to make your man as emotional, nurturing, caring and compassionate as your DNA will have it, then sorry – good luck.
Since birth, men were groomed to be the opposite. After all, big boys don’t cry. Don’t be a suck/woose – be a man. Emotions were beaten out of men since childhood, but somehow after marriage, they are supposed to make a 360-degree change. It doesn’t seem fair, does it?
Think about it.
You want a man to work hard and fight for your safety, possibly jump on the back of a home invader, while the next day climb your 65-degree-angled roof to fix a shingle, while also having the availability for a deeply emotional conversation with your daughter, whose boyfriend just broke up with her, braid your other daughter’s hair each morning, prepare a chickpea curry at supper, and then spend his evening helping his son with math before cuddling up with you on the couch with you to watch The Notebook? And then telling you he is too tired for sex tonight?
You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
So women, firstly, decide what you want, discuss your expectations with your partner, and when you are both clear on your expectations and you are still having trouble, call me 🙂 so I can tell you what is normal, and what is not.
Secondly, if after having the conversation your man actually wants to be more attuned towards your feelings, and genuinely more considerate, caring, and ultimately concerned about having a deeper connection with you – and loves vegetarian food – but doesn’t know where to begin to feel this way- then, send him my way – because I have a program for him 😀