I appreciate John Gottman’s work on betrayal, especially his explanation of non-sexual betrayal, what many people would call emotional betrayal. He offers a simple way to distinguish what is truly platonic from what has become more personal.
This topic also connects to the first entry on betrayal, which is on conditional commitment. In that post, I mentioned that a small amount of curiosity about opposite-sex contacts on a spouse’s phone is not unreasonable.
But as with many things in marriage, the dose makes the poison.
Constantly checking a partner’s phone is a sign that trust has already eroded. A healthy marriage cannot survive under constant surveillance. Trust and commitment must remain present.
Trust and commitment are the two supporting walls of any relationship.
So, how do we make this simple?
Most of us have heard the expression “work wife” or “work husband.” However, similar dynamics can develop with gym partners, coworkers, hired staff, or even someone you see regularly, like a barista. These relationships often begin innocently. The difficulty arises when conversations gradually shift toward personal details and emotional sharing.
I like to teach by example, so let us imagine a common situation.
Steven and Michelle attend Steve’s work Christmas party. While they are standing together talking, Steve’s attention suddenly shifts toward the entrance. A woman has just arrived. Michelle later learns that her name is Jocelyn and that she works closely with Steve on a current project.
Not long after, Steve introduces the two of them.
As the conversation unfolds, Michelle is surprised by how much Jocelyn seems to know about their family. She knows about their son’s graduation gift, the babysitter’s name, their dog’s illness, and the name of the nursing home where Michelle’s mother recently moved.
Later in the evening, Steve goes to get drinks. When he returns, he brings Michelle her drink and hands Jocelyn a gin and tonic, apologizing that the bar had run out of the white wine she usually prefers.
At that point, the situation becomes uncomfortable.
Throughout the evening, small moments continue to occur that Michelle finds difficult to ignore. Something feels off.
On the drive home, Michelle raises the issue directly. She asks Steve how Jocelyn seems to know so many personal details about their family.
Steve immediately dismisses the concern. He tells Michelle she is overreacting and insists that nothing inappropriate has happened. Rather than discussing how this level of familiarity developed, he becomes irritated and tries to shut the conversation down.
Instead of reassuring Michelle, she is left feeling as though she has caused a problem simply by asking the question.
So what are the red flags in a situation like this?
When someone senses dishonesty or emotional distance in a relationship, there are often a few patterns worth paying attention to:
- A quick, dismissive attitude toward your concern
- You have never heard this person mentioned before in a normal conversation
- A lack of curiosity about why you might feel uncomfortable
- Turning the conversation back on you rather than addressing the issue itself
Emotional betrayals rarely begin dramatically. Most start with small conversations that slowly become more personal than they should be.
The deeper question is not simply about the outside relationship. It is whether trust and openness remain in the marriage.