Earlier this week, I spoke to Grade 10 students at St. Mary’s Academy in Winnipeg about discernment. I described discernment as more than just making a decision; it involves an internal process that requires silence and listening to the heart. We discussed how decisions are often influenced by two main forces: love or fear, and learning to distinguish between them can significantly influence a person’s life path.
At the end of the talk, the students were invited to submit questions. I expected a few practical questions about relationships or friendships, but many of them went deeper. Several students asked thoughtful questions about love, fear, faith, and how to know whether a decision is leading them closer to God or further away.
Time was limited, so rather than answering only a few of them in the classroom, I decided to share some of their questions here. The questions themselves show that young people are capable of thinking seriously about faith and discernment when given the opportunity.
Below are 10 questions (that stood out to me) from this insightful group of 15-16-year-olds.
If you had anything to say to your younger self, what would you say?
Be authentic—embrace who you are. There’s nothing more appealing than being comfortable with your personality, appearance, and preferences. Avoid chasing an ‘ideal vision’ of your life based on what you think it should look like or what others suggest. For instance, if you love children and dream of becoming a mother, but everyone advises you to pursue a degree that could delay motherhood or choose a career that keeps you from being with your children, use discernment. Don’t follow the other girls; instead, follow what truly resonates with your heart.
When do you think it is an appropriate age to start romantic relationships?
You can’t really choose when you fall in love with someone; it just happens. What matters most is ensuring this person does not lead you to stray from your family values. Your parents will guide you on what is acceptable and what isn’t regarding dating, but again, if you use discernment as you were taught, let fear and love guide you to what is right and good, and what is not.
If love is a feeling and you lose that feeling, is it valid to break up?
Yes. You don’t stay with someone just because he’s kind and you’re worried about hurting his feelings. Nor do you remain with someone who’s not kind but too scared to leave the ‘popular’ guy, even though deep down, you prefer being with someone less popular who shares your values.
How do you tell the difference between fear and love when making an important decision?
Remember the difference between desolation and consolation? Desolation occurs when you feel lonely, abandoned, restless, anxious, and question the truth—usually driven by fear. Conversely, making decisions out of love may feel uncomfortable at first, especially when doing something challenging like telling the truth, obeying a parent, following God’s will to be kind and generous, or sacrificing something. However, with time, a remarkable transformation happens: you experience deep peace and joy. Essentially, when you act from love, that love is returned to you many times over, creating a cycle of positivity.
You mentioned fear versus love, but what about the fear of God?
It is healthy to fear God. God must act justly because he is the truth. But God is also love and light. Therefore, even though God can condemn you by taking away all that is good and beautiful in this world, he does so to purify you. Just as it is healthy for a child to fear punishment or consequences from a parent, the same applies to God. The parent is there to guide you, keep you safe, and help you stay virtuous – the same is true of God. Except God makes no mistakes, whereas your parents might. God is just and right all the time, but we, because of original sin, are not.
How do you know if you are experiencing consolation or desolation?
Being in consolation means feeling at peace, while desolation brings despair and confusion. During desolation, you frequently question yourself and second-guess your decisions, trust few people, and criticize yourself and others harshly. Anger and resentment often cloud your mind, leading to social withdrawal. Conversely, consolation involves letting go of the need to control others, accepting life’s offerings, and trusting that everything is in God’s hands, believing in His ways.
How can I apply discernment in my relationships?
Most of us might think that if we are happy and at peace all the time, it is the right relationship for us. However, this is not necessarily true. God desires that we be in relationships with others, not just because communion is beneficial, but also because God aims to purify us through these relationships. This means that if we become emotionally reactive and unstable around certain people, it’s not a ‘they’ issue, but a ‘you’ issue. God is calling you out and asking you to work on something. You cannot change their ‘irritating’ behaviour, but you can change your own to foster more peace. Conversely, if one person is filled with hatred, is ill-tempered, or not mentally sound, then, with proper discernment and acting out of love for yourself and that person, you should distance yourself from them in a respectful and dignified manner.
How do we know when our emotions are clouding discernment versus when our hearts are pointing us toward what is right?
Emotions are feelings in motion, meaning they constantly change in response to external circumstances. When you receive an A, you feel elated; when you get a C, you feel upset. Therefore, when you are in a state of discernment and emotion, proceed with caution. What you should aim for instead is to discern during a time of emotional stability. The decision shouldn’t make you overly ecstatic or overly sad. Instead, you are seeking inner peace. Often, this means doing what you ought to do rather than what you want to do.
You said fear and love are opposites, but what if you act out of fear of losing someone you love?
When driven by fear, a person often feels desperate, which can lead to the temptation to control the situation. However, we must remember that we cannot control another person’s thoughts or decisions, as God has blessed everyone with free will, intellect, and memory.
Instead of trying to control, our focus should be on acting with love: treating others with the kindness, respect, and dignity we desire for ourselves. By doing this, we trust that God will handle the rest. Ultimately, true love means allowing others to make their own choices — which may, at times, involve letting them go free.
What advice would you give to girls our age who want to make good decisions in life?
Listen to your parents. They may not always lead perfectly or set ideal examples, but their love for you is genuine, and their intentions are good. Show respect to their choices, and in return, they will respect you more. Be kind to your classmates, family, and neighbours. God notices your good actions and grants you eternal wisdom, helping you make wise decisions. Engage in daily spiritual practice to stay grounded when it’s time to distinguish right from wrong. Always seek counsel from elders you respect.
These questions from Grade 10 students remind us that young people are already thinking seriously about love, relationships, and the choices that shape their lives. Discernment is not reserved for major life decisions or for adults who have everything figured out. It begins with small daily questions. Am I acting from love or from fear? Is this choice bringing me closer to God or pulling me away from Him?
Learning to pause and ask these questions helps form a habit of reflection. Over time, that habit strengthens a person’s ability to recognize consolation and desolation and to make decisions grounded in truth rather than impulse. For young women especially, learning this skill early can provide a foundation for friendships, relationships, faith, and future vocation.
Practising discernment may seem restrictive at first, but as you grow older, you realize it has led you towards freedom and a sense of peace.