One day, while cycling and reflecting on some of my clients’ struggles, I had a realization: how we feel at any given moment is closely tied to how we identify ourselves.
Think about it: if you’re feeling happy while throwing a fabulous party for your spouse or child, the joy stems not only from their happiness but also from how you see yourself – perhaps as a ‘good’ parent or partner.
Now, suppose you’re feeling sad or unfulfilled in your long-term relationship. In that case, the sadness likely comes not just from the relationship’s lack of joy but from not identifying yourself as someone who has mastered the art of relationships—whether that’s finding the right person or sustaining a connection over time.
Or, if you’re struggling with an eating disorder and find yourself binge eating, the shame and sadness aren’t just about the act itself. It’s also tied to the belief that you haven’t met the standard of having an “acceptable” body shape or weight, leading to a disconnect from identifying as a physically attractive individual.
Consider the last time you experienced intense emotions. Could those feelings have been connected to how you view your identity?
From my experiences, many identity crises revolve around being
1) a provider,
2) a parent, or
3) a partner.
If you’re in your twenties and haven’t yet navigated major life changes like starting a career, getting married, or becoming a parent, your strongest feelings of joy or pain may instead come from how you identify as physically attractive or as a friend.
The solution to many of our emotional struggles is to shift our identity – but that’s easier said than done. Our identity is shaped from childhood and deeply influenced by external voices. If your parents told you, “You’re only good enough when…” and you haven’t reached that ‘when,’ you’ll likely carry that craving for approval throughout life.
The path to fulfillment and happiness, then, lies in self-acceptance. And here’s where age can be an ally. As we grow older, we tend to care less about external opinions 🙂, and self-acceptance often comes more naturally.
If you’re struggling with self-acceptance, it’s essential to cultivate faith, hope, and trust – both in yourself and in something greater, whatever that may be for you.