In What Makes Love Last?, Dr. John Gottman describes ten ways partners betray one another. The fourth is forming a coalition against your partner.
This is more common than people expect. At some point in many relationships, one partner begins to feel as though they are competing with someone else for attention, loyalty, or emotional connection.
This “someone else” is often not another romantic partner. More often, it is a parent. And sometimes it can even be a child.
I will share two common patterns I see in my work.
Jason began to feel increasingly resentful of the relationship his wife, Jill, had with her mother. Jill spoke with her mother daily, often for long periods, either in person or on the phone. She referred to her as her best friend. She regularly bought her thoughtful gifts and maintained a high level of emotional closeness.
When Jason raised his concerns, Jill became defensive. She would respond by saying there was nothing wrong with being close to her mother. Over time, however, Jason was able to express something more precise. He did not object to the relationship itself. He felt that when it came to Jill’s emotional energy, he was left with very little at the end of the day.
Once Jill was able to hear this without becoming defensive, she began to understand why Jason found it hurtful. The issue was not her mother. The issue was where Jason stood in her priorities.
Another pattern I see often is when a parent, usually unintentionally, begins to form a coalition with a child.
This can look like consistently siding with the child during moments of tension, especially when the other parent is trying to set limits or provide structure. It can also look like sharing frustrations about your spouse with the child, or seeking comfort from the child instead of addressing the issue directly with your partner.
Over time, the child becomes emotionally aligned with one parent, and the other parent feels excluded or undermined. This places the child in a position they are not meant to hold and weakens the couple’s unity.
A child should not feel responsible for maintaining a parent’s emotional well-being, nor should they feel that they need to choose sides. When this dynamic develops, it often creates confusion for the child and distance within the marriage.
In these situations, the work is not about loving your child less. It is about restoring the proper order within the family. The strength of the marriage provides stability for the child. When that foundation is weakened, everyone feels it.
At the deepest level, that order is not only practical, it is also spiritual.
Marriage is meant to reflect a shared life between husband, wife, and God. When that orientation is clear, it helps guide decisions about where time, attention, and loyalty belong. When it is not, other relationships, even good and meaningful ones, can begin to take precedence over the marriage.
Forming a coalition against your partner does not always look obvious. It often appears as divided loyalty. When emotional energy, validation, or decision-making consistently flows toward someone outside the marriage, the partnership weakens.
This is why boundaries matter. It is not about rejecting family or withholding care from your children. It is about maintaining clarity around your primary relationship.
Involving others in the private details of your marriage, whether it is a parent or a child, rarely strengthens the bond between partners. It often complicates it.
A strong marriage requires a clear sense of loyalty. Your partner needs to know that they are your primary relationship. That does not diminish the importance of others in your life, but it does define where your first responsibility lies.
When that order is clear, trust is fostered. When it is not, resentment takes its place.