How often do you hear, “We don’t know how to communicate,” or “We’re having trouble communicating”? I hear it from clients constantly – and I’m tired of it.
There’s a big difference between just communicating and communicating effectively. Sure, you can shout at each other all day long. That’s communication, but is it helping?
Many people focus too much on avoiding conflict. As a Gottman-trained therapist, I’ve seen this firsthand. Conflict matters, but it’s just one leg of the stool. Their book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection, highlights how couples can handle disagreements – but conflict is only a part of the bigger picture.
So, how do you become an effective communicator? Let me break it down with an analogy: think of yourself as a cyclist in the Tour de France. Navigating relationships is like racing to win – it’s about training, resilience, and teamwork. Here’s how:
Step one: Recognize that you are 50% of the problem—and the solution.
Your thoughts, behaviours, and perspectives are half of the equation in any relationship. This is powerful because it means you control half of the solution. You don’t need to wait for someone else to change. You don’t need to blame or complain. You are in the driver’s seat. Just like a cyclist who follows a rigorous training regime – focusing on diet, consistency, and mental preparation – you need to put in the daily effort to improve your emotional responses and habits. This includes learning to trust and have faith in the process of self-improvement. And just like athletes hire coaches to elevate their game, investing in a coach or therapist can accelerate your personal growth.
Step two: Approach relationships with curiosity, not judgment.
We all want to be understood and get along with others, but that starts with staving off judgment. Instead, try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Ask questions. Seek understanding before jumping to conclusions.
Think back to the cyclist analogy: riders depend on each other to succeed in the Tour de France. If one rider loses control, it can bring the entire pack down. But when they collaborate, supporting one another, they gain momentum and move ahead as a unit. In relationships, taking time to understand the other person’s needs and triggers fosters trust and prevents unnecessary conflict. Understanding leads to acceptance, forgiveness, and, ultimately, better communication.
Step three: Understand that your transformation is bigger than you.
Working on yourself isn’t just about improving your marriage or sharpening your leadership skills. It’s about contributing to the greater good of all your relationships and interactions. When you transform, you impact everyone around you.
Imagine each cyclist heading toward different finish lines in a race – it would be chaos. Without a shared vision, the group would become fragmented, leading to distrust, confusion, and miscommunication. In relationships, aligning your purpose with the greater good ensures that your personal transformation benefits not just you but also the people you interact with daily. This creates harmony in your closest relationships and within your larger community.
It’s easy to think of self-improvement as a way to get what you want – better relationships, more success, etc. But the truth is, when you work on yourself with the intention of contributing to others, you create positive ripples that extend far beyond your personal circle.
It always starts with you.