This post may take longer than usual to read, but the message is hugely important. If you don’t have time to read through it all, Episode 43 of the Luella Jonk Show (previously Mixing Business With Pleasure—yes, I renamed it AGAIN…hello ADHD) will be available to stream starting April 1. Once it’s live, you can catch it on your favourite podcast platform or watch the shorter version on YouTube right here.
For those of you who are parents, realise that you are modeling how your children approach conflict, and their children will grow up to be wives, husbands, store managers, friends, clerks, leaders, entrepreneurs, and perhaps, politicians. How you speak to one another will influence how they appear in life.
The discourse that takes place at the kitchen island eventually takes place nationally. Perhaps this is a sober thought, but sometimes, we need these reminders.
I am sure I am not alone in feeling more tied to political agendas now than ever before. I’ve been struck by how the state of our world, particularly the tensions between the U.S. and Canada, mirrors the struggles I see in marriages. The common thread? An obsession with being right.
Instead of recognizing that different perspectives can coexist, both sides fixate on proving the other wrong. It’s no longer about seeking understanding or compromise but winning. But here’s the thing: no one truly wins when the other side loses in both relationships and national discourse.
At our core, we all want the same things. Whether it’s a stronger, more stable country or a more connected marriage, the end goal isn’t all that different. The real challenge is getting past our egos long enough to see that.
Selective Inattention: The Root of Disconnection
One of the most damaging dynamics—whether in politics or marriage—is the conscious decision to ignore inconvenient truths.
In relationships, this might look like refusing to acknowledge your partner’s good qualities because doing so would soften your anger. In national discourse, it means disregarding any valid points made by the opposing side because admitting they’re not entirely wrong would disrupt your worldview.
This is what I call selective inattention—the deliberate choice to ignore anything that doesn’t fit our preferred narrative.
And what does that lead to?
- A cycle of anger and resentment
- A refusal to offer forgiveness or grace
- A total lack of compassion
The result? More distance. More hostility. More division.
It’s fascinating—and deeply concerning—how what begins in our personal lives spills out into the larger world. We see this breakdown happening not just in households but on a global scale. Political leaders and citizens alike have stopped engaging in respectful discourse. Everyone is talking, but no one is listening.
Frankly, children would probably handle these conversations with more curiosity and openness than many of the so-called leaders in power today.
Breaking the Cycle: The Power of Perspective and Kindness
So, what’s the way forward? How can we shift how we engage with one another—both in relationships and society?
The answer is simple: kindness and perspective.
This doesn’t mean superficial niceties. It means:
- Approaching conversations with curiosity rather than assumptions
- Letting go of past grievances and focusing on the future
- Ensuring that both parties feel seen and valued
Too often, people feel unheard—not because their partner (or political counterpart) disagrees with them, but because they don’t feel their perspective is acknowledged at all. And when someone feels unseen, resentment builds.
Every individual brings something unique to the table—whether it’s life experience, emotional insights, or a different set of skills. If we can recognize and appreciate that instead of tearing each other down, we actually create space for collaboration and growth.
Validation vs. Agreement: Understanding the Difference
One of the biggest misconceptions I see is the idea that validating someone’s feelings means agreeing with them. It doesn’t.
Validation simply means acknowledging that their emotions are real. When someone says, I feel unheard or I feel unimportant, that feeling exists for them—regardless of whether you think it’s justified.
Dismissing someone’s feelings because they don’t align with your reality only fuels disconnection.
In relationships—and in political debates—this tendency to say, You’re wrong, and I’m right creates a winner-loser dynamic. And when one person in a relationship wins, the relationship loses.
The same applies to society. If a country is so divided that one half is fighting to “win” at all costs, the nation as a whole suffers.
The Little Things That Make a Big Difference
We often assume that progress—whether in marriage or in politics—requires grand, sweeping gestures. But the truth is, real change happens in the small, everyday moments.
In relationships, this might mean:
- Asking your partner how their day was—and truly listening
- Offering small gestures of care, like picking up something they need without being asked
- Choosing patience and grace over-reactivity
It’s the tiny, consistent acts of kindness—not the grand, once-a-year gestures—that sustain relationships over time.
And isn’t the same true on a societal level? Imagine what would happen if, instead of shouting each other down, we approached conversations with curiosity. If we prioritized understanding over winning. If we sought to build bridges rather than burn them.
Confronting the Inconvenient Truths
The hardest truths to face are often the most necessary. Here are a few that, if acknowledged, could transform both relationships and society:
- We assume we already know what the other person is going to say.
- We focus on the past rather than looking forward.
- We listen to respond, not to understand.
- We resist apologizing because it threatens our ego.
- We fear vulnerability, so we become defensive.
- We crave control because uncertainty scares us.
That last one is crucial. When we operate from a place of fear—whether in our relationships or our politics—we tighten our grip on control. We try to shape the future in a way that guarantees certainty.
But real peace doesn’t come from control. It comes from trust.
As a person of faith, I believe that trust is rooted in something greater than ourselves. God doesn’t promise a life free of uncertainty, but He does promise that we will never be abandoned. He is always present. And when we remember that, we can let go of the desperate need to prove, to control, to win.
The Bigger Picture
If we want to see change—whether in our marriages, our communities, or our countries—it starts with us.
- It starts in our homes.
- It starts in our daily interactions.
- It starts with the way we treat the people closest to us.
Kindness is not a weakness.
Validation is not surrender.
Humility is not losing—it’s the key to real connection.
Whether we’re talking about marriages or global relations, the principle remains the same:
We move forward not by proving each other wrong, but by choosing to see each other with clarity.