We often consider therapy the first step to finding happiness and fulfillment, or we turn to self-help books when we want to become better people. None of this is wrong. Heck, I have a library of self-help books, which did help—to some extent.
I may be talking myself out of a job while writing this post, but what if therapy and self-help is not really what you need? What if, instead, you need to look outside of yourself? Instead of focusing on yourself and becoming more self-aware, you focus on others.
I know I have written a lot about self-awareness and the importance of it when it comes to behaviour change, but let’s be honest. You don’t know what you don’t know, so it is only when a partner points out an unwanted behaviour that you might consider changing it. Most often, however, though, you deny it and tell them they are delusional. It then gets to be pointing of fingers until you both become exhausted and give up. Time passes, and we forget until the ugly behaviour creeps up again.
When it comes to perpetual problems in the 21st Century (especially in the last 5-10 years, when emotional intelligence and emotional awareness have become popular), we have taught ourselves and our children to over-examine our feelings.
This is not a great strategy for many reasons.
We should teach our children and ourselves to manage unwanted emotions and feelings rather than obsess over them. If we channel these negative emotions away from ourselves, they can be fleeting. Failing to do this can lead to a sort of inward collapse, which manifests in our body language. Slumped shoulders, a curved spine, and downcast eyes project an image of incompetence and insecurity, far from the confident and capable person we should strive to be.
You might be thinking, ‘Luella, I know you have often told me to journal out my feelings.’ Yes, I take full responsibility for instructing you to do this. Do it for a brief time so you understand yourself better. But then get on with it—get on with your life.
Let’s sum it up in the most straightforward and perhaps sharp terms: Grow up and get out of yourself. Do something functional. Do something for someone else or with someone else. Your insistence on autonomy and independence feeds the ego-drama concoction you have conjured up in your thoughts about yourself.
And that is why spirituality or getting closer to God will surpass any psychotherapy session you may book. Stop thinking about yourself and pray for others. Smile to a stranger. Give to a charity. Donate a ton of clothes to a shelter or money to your favourite charity. Spend some time with your kid or an elderly person. You won’t miss your normal self-obsessing behaviours. What you give away from yourself will return to you in multiple ways. Trust in this.
I hope this makes sense. If I hear crickets 🦗for the next several months or years, or perhaps you see me serving up your next latte at the Starbucks’ drive-through window, wave at me and tell me it worked 🙃.