In his book “What Makes Love Last?”, Dr. John Gottman outlines ten ways partners can betray each other. Some betrayals are clear, while others are subtle and unfold over time, often without either partner noticing. I previously discussed these themes years ago. Now, I want to revisit them with clearer insight, as betrayal in marriage doesn’t always play out dramatically; it often starts with small changes in loyalty and attention.
Let us begin with what Gottman calls conditional commitment.
Conditional commitment occurs when a person’s dedication to the relationship depends on circumstances. When life feels manageable, the connection is strong; however, as stress increases, the bond weakens. If I received a dollar each time a couple said, ‘When we are good, we are really good, and when we are bad, it is horrible,’ I’d be rich. The red flag rises in my therapy room, signaling ‘danger ahead’. Love isn’t just an emotion that shifts over time; it’s a choice. You love someone regardless of external circumstances. Your lifelong partner deserves this respect. If the pressures of work, parenting, finances, or extended family begin to sway your commitment, the relationship may not endure.
Stress itself is not the problem—every marriage experiences demanding seasons. The difficulty arises when those pressures become the explanation for emotional distance rather than a reason to strengthen the partnership. A solid commitment draws two people together when life becomes difficult. A weaker commitment allows stress to justify withdrawal.
When commitment is not deeply rooted, daily irritations turn into repeated arguments.
Instead of asking how we can support one another through stress, partners begin blaming the stress itself for the deterioration of the relationship. Cracks start to develop in the relationship’s house foundation.
Another sign of conditional commitment is the development of outside relationships that take on emotional significance. I am not referring to polite exchanges or occasional contact with old friends. I am referring to consistent and ongoing communication with someone of the opposite sex that becomes regular and personal.
Most couples today will say they do not have enough time to stay connected with close family members or long-standing friends. If that is true, then it is reasonable to question why there is time and emotional energy available for frequent communication with someone outside the marriage. Emotional attention is a hot commodity nowadays, and you shouldn’t be dishing it out to just anyone. When it is repeatedly directed elsewhere, the marriage receives less of it.
In my professional opinion, this is a risky pattern.
Not because men and women cannot communicate respectfully, but because sustained emotional investment builds connection. If that investment consistently bypasses one’s spouse, again, you are adding more cracks to the relationship’s foundation.
Conditional commitment can also appear when one partner feels pressured into marriage before being fully ready, or when career ambition becomes the primary focus for extended periods. There is nothing inherently wrong with working hard or pursuing meaningful goals. However, when professional identity consistently takes priority over relational responsibility, the balance of commitment shifts.
A marriage requires a stable foundation. If the underlying posture is “I am here as long as this works for me,” then every external pressure will test the bond. Enduring commitment is rooted in a deeper stance: I remain, especially when circumstances are demanding.
Conditional commitment rarely announces itself in dramatic ways. It develops through gradual shifts in attention, loyalty, and priority. Over time, those shifts can significantly affect the strength of the relationship.
In the next entry, I will address another form of betrayal that is increasingly common and often misunderstood: the nonsexual affair.
See you back here next Wednesday – same bat time, same bat channel. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist typing that out – sometimes you need to lighten up these heavy entries LOL).