If I told you the best way to improve your golf game was to get on the course daily or to learn a new language was to speak it daily, you likely wouldn’t blink an eye at those suggestions and possibly respond to me with kindness as you answered: “No kidding, Captain Obvious. Now tell me something I don’t know”.
So why, then, do you feel therapy is any different?
Have you forgotten that training your mind to think differently is like teaching a muscle to perform differently? It needs constant practice. Think of a thought entering your mind the same way you walk out of your house to your car each morning. Chances are you open the front door the same way, you take similar strides, and you may hold a bag or cup the same way every single day.
What would happen if I told you to open, walk and hold your items differently and I would test you in 12 months? Which of you would do the best at achieving your goal? The one who practised weekly, or did it when ‘time allowed’ or when upon remembering to do it.
Let’s make it very clear. If there is one thing I know, that is this. Only when it becomes meaningful to you will you start to change your behaviour.
Remember, first comes the thought, then the feeling, then the behaviour. So, the thought produces a feeling, and you act according to the feeling. The thought is the driving force behind any behaviour. The only way you can control your thoughts is through awareness of your thoughts.
Our thoughts are generally produced from only two sources. Fear and Love.
When loving ourselves or bestowing love upon another, the thoughts are generated at a time when the autonomic nervous system is relaxed, or what we call the parasympathetic state. Those thoughts are ideal because they also bring a lot of self-awareness. When thoughts come from fear, we react rather than respond because our sympathetic nervous system kicks in, which provides less self-awareness.
When you are alone with your thoughts, it is difficult to understand how those thoughts are generated. If the thoughts bring you fear, you must ask yourself the root cause of those fears. Generally speaking, this is not easy to do on your own. A dialogue back and forth with another person (therapist, friend, or another trusting person) can be very helpful.
However, I don’t think anyone reading this can speak their true, raw thoughts in front of a partner, a friend, or a trusted acquaintance. I am talking raw.
However, a good therapist will always have your back, even if you hear something you don’t want to hear. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you or judge you. It simply means they want to bring something to your awareness that you may not be seeing on your own. And if what the therapist says triggers you somehow, it is for a reason. It is up to you to turn inwards and find out the reason is…that is not my job.
Consistency in discovering more about yourself and why you behave the way you do might mean a larger financial and time commitment, but that investment compounds in value, and you will reap the rewards in the decades to come.
I have two fairly intense programs right now. One is called the 25% Program, which focuses on achieving a goal, personal or career. Time management is a big component of this program. I find most individuals have no idea how important time management is. We all have equal amounts of time but manage it completely differently, which often gives us different results.
The second program is called Relations. This program’s goal is to ensure that you will either find the right one or are currently in the right relationship. Of course, we also target the important skills necessary for any relationship to thrive, including what it means to be a successful leader or manager of a team.
And yes, both programs require weekly Zoom or phone calls (in person at times), access to me via messaging during the week if necessary, and a journal prompt book that I created. The 25% Program also includes a planner – of course – to keep you on track.
Till next week, stay self-aware, safe, and in your own lane.