As a woman, relationship therapist, and someone married for over 26 years to a man with little emotional attunement, I have an important point to make.
Stop trying to change your partner. Just stop it.
Check out one of my favourite therapy clips for a ‘laughable’ version of this very important suggestion.
Wasting hours overanalyzing their psyche isn’t productive. You aren’t them and don’t have their experiences. It’s unrealistic to expect them to think like you. So, please, stop 😊
Instead, here’s what you should do.
Begin with acceptance. Accept your reality. Once you accept reality, you can take action and gain clarity on which of the following scenarios you find yourself in.
a. If he is an angry, moody, and harsh individual with far more unfavorable traits than positive ones, start planning to exit the marriage. All marriages conclude either by death or divorce and if you end it thoughtfully, the outcome will be more favorable.
b. If he has an equal number of positive and negative traits, focus on his strengths and minimize attention to the negatives.
c. If he has more positive qualities than negative, count your blessings and consider yourself fortunate.
Look in the mirror and ask, “What can I do to feel better without relying on others?” How can I cultivate happiness internally?
a. Practice curiosity. Why did my partner behave in a way that seemed unkind? Might they have been feeling fear, shame, guilt, or anger? Could these lower emotions have hindered them from doing what I desired?
b. If so, can I offer them compassion and shift the focus away from myself and onto them? Can I spend less time in self-pity and more time empathizing with what it might be like to carry such low energies?
Reach out for help from a professional or divine intelligence.
We aren’t meant to tackle these complex issues alone. However, it’s crucial to remember that relying solely on help from others isn’t enough. At some point, God expects YOU to take inspired action. You can’t just hand over all your worries, fears, and sadness to God, a friend, a partner, or a therapist and wait for change.
You must often be the catalyst and heed that special inner voice guiding you.
This is why solitude is often essential.
Note: I didn’t include physical abuse among the unfavourable traits because physical abuse can only be addressed in one way – leave the relationship.
If the person is emotionally abusive, then 4) Seek help from a professional so they can become aware of their behaviour, and 5) if they remain abusive despite awareness, return to 1 (a).