Lately, I have become particularly interested in studying men and their emotions. Perhaps it is because I am not one – a man that is – and therefore they are somewhat mysterious to me. Like how a biologist might study unknown species in nature, studying their behaviours and expressions to understand them more.
I can only imagine men do the same when it comes to women.
I hear the complaints and adorations from women, speaking about their partners in my office. Therefore I gather a lot of extra anecdotal evidence of how men behave and express themselves in their environments. While also living with my husband and two sons, constantly being surprised and intrigued by their behaviours.
For example, as I write this blog, my nearly 22-year-old son’s alarm has been going off for almost 2 hours. How does he sleep through an alarm that is right beside his ear? It baffles and fascinates me.
Over the years of being a therapist, however, there is one thing I know for sure when it comes to working with and understanding men.
All men do have the capability to feel and provide empathy towards another. However, just like women, emotion is on a spectrum.
The men who seem to lack empathy seem to excel in other categories. Those men are usually great leaders of teams, being able to make moves without haste and can see the forest through the trees. They can look at very complicated situations and able to make sense of it all. They are analytical and fast movers, who often make good decisions in times of high emotional stress. It is not that they believe emotion is bad, but in certain situations, it is irrelevant. To get from A to C, B must happen. Period.
Do we want and need these men? Of course, we do!
I have mentioned it before and I will mention it again here. Women, be careful what you wish for. If you want a protector, a decision-maker, and a good provider, you DO want the above characteristics in a man. YOU can make up for the emotion he is lacking.
I think more women are in love with the ‘idea’ of an emotionally vulnerable man than they are seeking this kind of man. It has been romanticized too much in our culture, and I would further argue that this may be one of the reasons young men feel so unsure at times.
What is the role of a man? Is stoicism that bad? Am I a monster?
Think about it. Do you want your husband to act like you and mirror your emotions?? Do you want him gossiping about his golf friends and watching chick flicks on the couch? Do you want him whining about how you left makeup in the sink and how you still didn’t book your mammogram? Do you want him to ask you to service the car or switch out the seasonal tires?
Worst of all, do you want him breaking down and crying with you in all the instances where you feel highly emotional? Really?
Men are not women and women are not men. We are wired differently for a reason. Men don’t complain and whine as much as we do. And what is adorable is that even though they often complain about our theatrical behavior, they actually love it in a bizarre sort of way. They do like our matrix of emotions, even though they often cannot relate whatsoever.
Men are simple in many ways.
They want a family that loves and respects them. They often want to be left alone in the world. They don’t want drama when it is not necessary. They take most things at face value and move on.
I have heard this said by a man once, and I believe it is true.
A man is looking for solutions and and a woman is searching for problems.
I think that is a great way to end this post.