I have given a lot of thought to this subject. I have read countless books and articles on what makes relationships last. I was trained by the Gottmans and delved into the works of John Gray (interviewing him three times on the Mixing Business With Pleasure Podcast), all in the pursuit of creating a user manual for couples that equates to the Holy Bible in terms of morality.
Although you can research the topic as much as you like to try to prepare for a committed relationship, it is only once you are in the middle of one that you realize your partner doesn’t seem to be following the playbook. Perhaps their manual for a successful marriage is different from yours. Do they not have the revised version? What the fudge?
Young couples seem to do whatever it takes not to make the dreaded call to a couples therapist.
They slip into a form of denial, thinking, “This can’t be happening to us!” As they take a moment to reflect, they frequently reminisce about the good old days—a time before children and commitments.
Then, the denial moves into anger, and all hell breaks loose. Or the denial turns into silent resentment, the evil twin of outward anger. Both are lethal. Depending on how stubborn the couple is, they might continue to deny, or, more typically, they call for help.
Then they come maybe once, feel a bit better, try a few suggestions – and it is okay until it’s not again. Old habits die hard. Both partners must ‘do the work’ and make the necessary changes. This is not often easy. And because it is more the work of the individual than the manner of conflict (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, or defensiveness), I prefer to work with individuals rather than couples.
There is a time and place for couples therapy, but it is not as frequent as one might think.
I wish for you that your trajectory goes from great – to not-so-great – then back to great. Inevitably, every couple will go through a ‘not so great’ phase since we are mere mortals. Life throws us many curve balls (hello suffering), and most often, during those times, we become a weak version of a human being. We need to get our heads out of our —, and look both at the big picture (the couple’s vision of their future lives together) and, most importantly, the ‘me narrative’ playing continually in their heads.
It is easy to think only of our suffering without looking at the big picture. We often need to remind ourselves that our partner is behaving the way s/he is because it makes perfect sense for them to act that way—just like it makes perfect sense for you to respond and behave your way.
And so the cycle continues until you get some help.
Next week, I will write on the four main characteristics to look for in a partner. If you are already committed to a relationship, don’t worry; it’s still worth reading because you can try to reshape yourself, a.k.a. “do the work” to embody the four characteristics.
P.S. Have you listened to Mixing Business With Pleasure Podcast lately?
Past episodes:
Episode #33 I interviewed Dr. Leonard Sax (Parents, you need to listen to this one!)
Episode #34 I spoke about commitment as a (lost) value in relationships.
Upcoming episodes will include:
Episode #35 A discussion with a Gottman Certified Clinician about resolving perpetual conflicts.
Episode #36 Interview with Debbie Travis, a Canadian icon, on how she mixed work and life.