Not every conversation advocates for problem-solving or open displays of vulnerability. The only conversations that advocate for these behaviours are those in which change needs to happen.
At the business level, management requests a specific performance output. Perhaps the quality of the project or the time spent completing it. Management then has a conversation with you so the problem doesn’t happen again. Management requires instrumental change to occur. Management notices a problem, and to prevent the problem from recurring, they provide you with feedback. A grounded, emotionally mature employee would reflect on the feedback, possibly thank the management, and then change their behaviour to avoid further poor performance.
Now, let’s take this same situation but bring it to a conflict at home between you and your partner. So, it is no longer management and employees but perhaps husband and wife. The woman notes a problem in the relationship. She notices that her husband seems to be spending a lot of money on booze. She checks the family bank accounts and realizes that an average of $300-$400 is being taken out of their accounts monthly. She has also noticed that most of the alcohol use is not in social settings but when he is alone.
She approaches her husband and mentions 1) spending money they do not necessarily have, 2) the risk this places on the family, and 3) how this habit may lead to even further spending, him contributing less and less as a husband and a father, and a real addiction to alcohol.
A husband who displays a high level of interpersonal intelligence would be instrumental in change and respond by:
- Asking himself whether there is any truth in this, and if there is, noticing that this person is trying to make him better.
- Feeling sad and disappointed in himself.
- Realizing the truth, implications, and risks of the family,
- Thanking his wife for bringing up the difficult conversation, making the necessary changes, or asking for assistance.
A husband who displays a low level of interpersonal intelligence would have an identity crisis and respond by:
- Denying the evidence.
- Sulking and feeling attacked.
- Defending his need for alcohol (stress, worry, unhappiness, etc.)
- He would listen with his head rather than his heart.
- Making it personal rather than his family in mind.
- Putting himself before the mission or goal of the mission (the family legacy)
- Asking himself why he married a nag.
Asking himself why she can’t respect my need to relax and spend my hard-earned money the way I please.
Let’s close this conversation by discussing how this ‘me’ or identity trait can negatively impact good relationships, both personal and business.
Focusing on ME instead of WE can distract a couple or a team from the long-term vision of the couple-ship or the business.
What is our shared vision or meaning as a couple? How can we make our dreams come true? For a business, this might be your service to climate change, the vulnerable, or those in need. The point is removing your needs from the picture—your aspirations, drives, or the challenges you want to overcome. How about the family’s needs, the community’s needs, or what the world needs?
On an individual level, that might mean smiling at a stranger or donating to a church or charity.
Get out your dusty old gratitude journal that someone gave you as a gift and write out the simplest forms of daily gratitude. This exercise gets us out of me, my needs, my desires, etc.