I am passionate about this topic and always will be because trust lays the foundation for any good relationship. John and Julie Gottman use the image of a house to describe relationships. The house’s foundation represents how well the partners know and love each other. The supporting walls are commitment and trust. Without these supporting walls, you have nothing – in other words, “You don’t have a leg to stand on.”
However, most people don’t realize that trust needs to be established within oneself before it can be effectively extended to others.
To understand this better, remember that trust is both a verb and a noun. Here’s an example of a sentence where both forms of the word are used: “It is difficult to trust someone who has betrayed you; therefore, our relationship lacks trust.”
As humans, we need to practise the skill of trust because we crave it.
Living the human experience without trust leads to a life full of suffering and anxiety. I would even call it a form of self-torture.
I refer to it as self-torture because no one can teach you to trust. Trust is learned through experience. Once we witness trust, we learn to recognize it. You can learn by observing and listening. Through observation and listening, you determine who to trust and who not to trust. The ability to trust is a God-given survival skill—it is innate.
The sequence goes like this: We trust in God (the Creator, your higher power), establish trust in ourselves, and then extend that trust to others. We place our trust in others only when they prove themselves trustworthy through their actions.
This is where we need to learn as children do. We must learn to trust by taking action. We approach the hot flame innocently, and if we get burned, we don’t touch it again. If the flame insists it’s not hot and safe to touch, our God-given instinct is not to be gullible and believe naively but to approach with caution. Essentially, the flame must prove that it’s safe. The flame can only establish its worth by consistently being “cool.”
Our job is to realize that not all flames are worth approaching or reapproaching. This is where we need to follow our inner trust compass. What’s most important to note is that once you decide, you decide. Wavering back and forth causes mental anguish. Trust your instincts, make your decision, and move on with your life. This becomes easier with practise.
The worst thing you can do is avoid practising the skill of trust, becoming stagnant, and living a life of second-guessing and anxiety.
If you feel uncertain about various aspects of your life and mistrust has become your default state of being, I invite you to book a call with me. Living this way is not only extremely taxing but also unnecessary.