What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word abstinence?
Maybe it’s avoiding certain foods or drinks—things you crave but feel guilty about indulging in. But given that this article is about marriage, you might have thought of the phrase: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” If so, you’re on the right track.
As a Christian, I was reminded of this recently when Lent began on March 5, 2025. Lent often prompts us to give something up—a sacrifice to refocus on what truly matters. While I can abstain from food or drink if necessary (not that I enjoy it), what I find far more challenging is abstaining from behaviors that don’t serve me or my marriage.
We all have habits we know aren’t helpful—ways we react, things we say, and patterns we fall into again and again. Yet, despite knowing better, we continue. Why? Because we justify it. We make excuses. We tell ourselves that our reaction was warranted. That our frustration was valid. And so, the cycle continues.
But what if this Lent, we tried abstaining from something different?
The Most Destructive Habit in Marriage: Assumption
One of the most common yet harmful behaviors I see in struggling couples is the habit of assuming—assuming what the other is thinking, feeling, or intending.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman refer to criticism as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in marriage. And assumption is often the fuel for criticism.
Think about it—how often do we judge someone instantly based on appearance? We see a person dressed a certain way and assume they’re wealthy, struggling, irresponsible, or successful. We do it automatically without knowing their story.
Now, take that tendency and apply it to marriage.
When you’ve known someone for years—even decades—it’s easy to believe you know them better than they know themselves. You predict their responses, anticipate their moods, and, without realizing it, stop asking questions. Instead, you react based on past experiences rather than current reality.
This is how distance begins.
A Simple Shift: Choose Curiosity Over Judgment
I often encourage couples to practice what I call the art of curiosity. And the best way to develop this skill? Start with strangers.
Let’s say you’re at the grocery store. You see someone who appears overweight placing chips, soda, and frozen pizza on the checkout belt. Your first instinct may be to assume that they have unhealthy eating habits. But what if, instead, you paused and considered alternative explanations? Maybe they’re shopping for a child’s birthday party. Maybe they’re dealing with a medical condition that affects weight. Maybe they have a story you don’t know.
Now, apply that same mindset to your spouse.
Instead of asking, “What did you even do all day?”—a question loaded with criticism—try asking, “How was your day?” with genuine curiosity.
One of my favorite questions to ask clients is: “What is your idea of a great day?”
The answer reveals so much about a person’s soul. What makes them feel alive? What makes them feel fulfilled? When was the last time you asked your partner something like that?
The Power of Being Truly Heard
Why is therapy so powerful?
Because, for once, someone is actually listening—without judgment, without interruption, without assuming they already know what you’re going to say.
And that is precisely what we need in marriage.
Let’s try this together. Let’s make a collective commitment to abstain from judgment in our marriages. Instead, let’s replace it with curiosity, patience, and genuine listening.
Are you in?