You’re not broken. Neither is your spouse.
But if your conversations feel more like potholes than connection points, you’re not alone. What looks like emotional distance—coldness, defensiveness, frustration—is often something far less dramatic but far more dangerous: a missing skill.
This isn’t about “better communication.” We’ve heard that phrase so many times it’s lost its meaning. What we’re missing—especially in Christian marriages—is translation. The ability to lovingly interpret the heart behind the words, even when those words come out clumsy, confusing, or completely the wrong way.
A pastor once told me that most couples aren’t fighting—they’re simply speaking two different languages while assuming the other one is fluent.
For example, imagine a woman walks into a room and starts “visiting”—weaving through stories, emotions, and side comments the way birds flock and swirl in unison. To her, it makes perfect sense to speak in this manner. Her husband, trying to follow, feels like he just got dropped into the middle of a novel without the first ten chapters.
Meanwhile, he comes home, sees his wife is struggling, and asks, “Is everything okay?” She says, “I’m fine.” He believes her. Until two hours later, everything unravels. She says he never asked. He’s confused because he did. But she didn’t mean anything was wrong—she meant she didn’t have the energy to explain it!
Here is another typical example of how women and men speak different languages.
A woman reads a self-help book and leaves it around for her husband to find. She hopes he’ll read it and change. But he sees it as an ambush. She was speaking to a man, but expecting a woman’s response.
Men want clarity. Women want connection. Until both learn the other’s language, they’ll keep missing each other.
When a man talks about a problem, he wants a solution. When a woman talks, she wants a companion. Her relief often comes just from being heard. His gift is in offering help. But only after he’s listened.
James 1:19 reminds us: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” Most of us reverse it. But wisdom means speaking like a jeweller—each word placed with care, not tossed like gravel.
You don’t need to be perfect. You need to shift your posture. Instead of assuming you’re understanding clearly, ask: “What are they trying to say?”
You were never meant to be fluent in each other’s language on day one. You learn it—with grace, fumbles, and love.
And that’s what keeps a marriage sacred. It is truly a lifelong lesson, but one worth learning.