There is a personality classification used in psychology to describe men, known as normative male alexithymia. The term means a male’s inability to feel their emotions. To further define, “Alexithymia, also called emotional blindness, is a neuropsychological phenomenon characterized by significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one’s emotions. It is associated with difficulties in attachment and interpersonal relations”. Source: Wikipedia.
But before you begin diagnosing all of your husbands – please read on – because it is fairly uncommon and a subtype of male narcissism. It is present in approximately 1 out of 10 individuals and is often associated with autism. Women experience it as well, but not as commonly.
Let’s start by reminding ourselves of what true narcissism is, which is a psychological classification in the DSM-5 that describes an individual’s inability to feel empathy or the hurt of another. It is psychopathic, leaving the person incapacitated to feel a deep human connection with another person.
In contrast, a man who is experiencing normative male alexithymia struggles with identifying his emotions, often presented by an inability to describe or discuss his emotions. People can also display this condition if they have difficulty connecting bodily sensations with emotions. For example, someone who feels their heart racing may not be able to connect this to the emotion of anger, fear, anxiety, or extreme excitement. The cause can vary from genetic to environmental to rigid parental upbringing. In my own experience as a therapist, I have seen it being displayed more in certain cultures as well as in families of all male children.
If you are reading this and someone you care for comes to mind, then also realize that this person may be experiencing a form of covert depression. It is not uncommon for a couple to enter my room for couples counselling, and for the first time ever, the husband feels validated – now realizing that his feelings or lack of the ability to feel his feelings, have disconnected him from the world. His willingness to experience ‘all the feelings’ is a true sign of this person wanting help.
How do you treat or get help?
Therapy or coaching is a great first step to learning to experience and connect to your emotions. I note coaching here because coaching is often associated with weekly sessions for a dedicated period, showing one’s dedication to getting better and improving. At times, people need to stay accountable to the process. Otherwise, one may find it easier to distract themselves from what one could perceive as ‘hard work.’ Any behaviour and emotion completely foreign to us are often very difficult to evolve and obtain.
I often use a simple ‘feelings wheel’ with my clients, having them practise describing their feelings. The person may initially experience awkwardness, but just like anything else, practising this exercise normalizes the experience.
One can say we start normalizing what the person considers ‘abnormal behaviour’ (feeling the emotion and then expressing the emotion – two very distinct behaviours), thereby dissolving and extinguishing what was once normalized (a disconnect with emotions).
In severe cases, when behaviour intervention is ineffective, it could be related to brain abnormalities, specifically in the frontal lobe, where feelings and emotions are experienced, as seen in MRI studies.