Communication breakdowns in marriage are often imagined as loud arguments or harsh words. In reality, many of the most unsettling moments are quiet ones. Nothing obvious is said, yet something in the room shifts. The conversation thins out. One person grows silent, and the other is left sensing that something is wrong, without quite knowing what.
A common example of this happens while travelling. Couples rent a place, stock the kitchen, settle into a rhythm. A small decision comes up, whether to eat in or go out, whether to stick with the plan or change it. One person moves forward, assuming agreement. The other hesitates. Not strongly enough to object, but not entirely on board either.
That hesitation is often missed.
When neutrality is read as consent, the moment passes quickly. Food is prepared. Plans are set. And yet, as the evening unfolds, the atmosphere changes. The conversation quiets. The connection feels thinner. Nothing has technically gone wrong, and yet the evening feels off.
When this happens, the issue is rarely the decision itself. It is not about the meal, the money, or the plan. It is about meaning.
Two people can be responding to the same situation while holding very different interpretations of what it represents. For one person, staying in might mean practicality, responsibility, or avoiding waste. For the other, going out might symbolize celebration, intention, or marking a meaningful moment. Both perspectives make sense. The trouble begins when one moves ahead before the other feels seen.
These differences usually have deep roots. Many of us carry quiet lessons from childhood about food, money, time, order, and waste. What felt necessary in one household may feel excessive in another. Early in a relationship, these differences often appear harmless, even endearing. Over time, if they are not handled with care, they can begin to rub against each other in ways that feel surprisingly charged.
This is where marriage either stabilizes or begins to unravel.
Every marriage needs a foundation it can rely on when minor differences arise. That foundation is built on trust and commitment. You assume goodwill. You avoid jumping to negative assumptions about your spouse’s motives. You stay on the same side, even when preferences vary. Most importantly, you understand when to pause rather than push ahead.
In many long-lasting marriages, it’s common for one partner to feel like their influence has gradually faded. Instead of arguing or insisting, they may choose to withdraw. Silence becomes their way of stepping back once the chance to communicate has passed. Unfortunately, this eventually translates into resentment.
This pattern can be easily misunderstood, especially for women. Many women move quickly, managing well and deciding swiftly because decisions are needed. These are strengths, but when not cared for, they can crowd out the other person’s voice. Waiting can be uncomfortable, and letting others decide can seem passive, submissive, or risky. Peace in marriage often comes from restraint, not action.
In earlier generations, this kind of restraint was more common. Women often waited. They allowed their husbands to decide, even if the decision felt inefficient or impractical. That posture has largely disappeared from modern culture, and many marriages feel more tense as a result.
The second part of this conversation is what happens once a shutdown has already occurred. I spoke a bit about this in the previous blog post, but it is worth mentioning again.
Many people make the mistake of trying to resolve issues too quickly. They explain themselves. They justify their actions. They push for clarity while emotions are still unsettled. This often backfires. Some individuals need time to regulate themselves before reconnecting. Silence, in these moments, is not punishment. It is a way of restoring peace.
The wiser response is always patience.
Remaining present without turning cold is important. Engage in small talk and maintain a normal tone of voice. Resist the temptation to respond to withdrawal with withdrawal. When both individuals disconnect, distance becomes evident. However, if one person remains warm, even silently, it allows tension to ease gradually.
Once time has passed and emotions have settled, a brief and straightforward acknowledgment is usually enough. Something sincere, without turning it into a debate or a lesson. Mention what was overlooked. Own the pace. Allow it to rest there.
As a family and marriage therapist, it has become apparent to me that most communication breakdowns don’t start with words. They typically begin in the subtle moments when one person advances while the other becomes silent. By learning to recognize these moments and pausing just enough, many shutdowns can be prevented.
Marriage is not built on perfect communication. It is built on humility, patience, and the willingness to yield small things before they grow into larger ones.