When we invest, financial institutions ask about our risk profile – they want to understand our comfort level with taking financial risks. In relationships, we can apply this concept to gauge our emotional risk profile, assessing how open and vulnerable we are with our partners. Are you comfortable being emotionally open? Do you trust your partner to listen, attune, and connect with your emotions? Think back on times when you were truly vulnerable with your partner. If you were to graph these moments of connection, would the trend show growth, with ups and downs but generally upward?
Or would it flatline, signalling stagnation or even a downward trend?
While we diligently manage our financial well-being, we often overlook the health of our intimate relationships. Through my work with many couples, I can attest that genuine emotional safety is rare – and it often requires a dedicated space, like therapy, where judgment is set aside.
I can relate to this myself. As much as I would love to feel a deep sense of emotional attunement from my husband, it’s not always there. Like many men, his life experiences didn’t encourage this type of connection, and in truth, the John Gottmans and John Grays of the world – men who have deeply studied emotional intimacy – are exceptions.
For most men, and women too, nurturing this connection takes intentional effort.
So, should we simply accept the limits in our partner’s ability to attune? To some extent, yes. Expecting someone to change without their commitment to growth is unrealistic. But the good news is that fulfillment doesn’t have to come from them. True empowerment happens within us, not in waiting for someone else to meet our needs.
I’ve helped many people learn to stop letting their emotions run their lives and to become less dependent on others for their happiness. You can choose the thoughts that spark positive emotions, creating the fulfilling connections you seek. You have the power to shape your experience in this relationship.
You’ve got this.