We live in a time when men’s and women’s roles have blurred. Young men are questioning their identities, and marriages are becoming increasingly transactional (What can you do for me?).
So it’s no surprise that more and more women are tired, men are confused, and the home no longer feels like a place of peace.
In this week’s podcast, I had the pleasure of speaking with Doug Wilson, a Protestant pastor and author who shares many of the same truths that I, as a Catholic coach and therapist, have come to see clearly through both Scripture and science: Men and women are equal in worth—but we are not the same. And we’re not meant to be.
I’ll admit, years ago, I would have closed the book when I read phrases like “the husband is the head of the wife.” In fact, I did precisely that when I read those words in Mere Christianity — a book I otherwise adored. But the Holy Spirit was persistent, and so was the evidence in my own life and the lives of my clients: when we reject divine order, we reject peace.
Doug explained it beautifully: Biblical headship isn’t about a man barking orders or “getting his way.” It’s about responsibility. When decisions can’t be made by consensus (and no marriage escapes that tension), someone has to carry the weight of the final call. In God’s design, that’s the husband. Not as a tyrant. But as a servant leader.
As Doug shared, when his wife Nancy says, “I trust you,” it doesn’t puff up his ego—it humbles him. It makes him want to get it right. Because when a woman offers trust and respect, a good man doesn’t run wild. He becomes more discerning, more protective, and yes, more loving.
And this isn’t theory for me. I’ve lived the alternative
For years, I made unilateral decisions in my marriage. I over-functioned. I believed my education and my “doing it all” would bring us stability and success. Instead, it brought resentment, burnout, and disconnection. Not because I wasn’t capable, but because I was trying to be everything, including the head. (And… I was completely unaware of it.)
The world told me that it was power. But now I see—it was pride.
Today, I coach women who feel the same burden I once did: the need to be everything to everyone. They’re exhausted. And they’re often angry at their husbands, their kids, and themselves. But underneath all of that is usually one aching question:
“What happened to the man I married?”
What happened is this: when a woman leads, a man often checks out. And when a man dominates, a woman usually breaks down. Neither extreme works. But when each spouse honours their God-given role—when the man provides, protects, and makes decisions with prayer and humility, and the woman nurtures, glorifies, and trusts—we achieve harmony. Not perfection, but peace.
That’s the beauty of sacred order. And don’t let anyone tell you it is old-fashioned. It’s timeless.
Doug described it with an image I loved: the man brings the seed, the woman glorifies it. He brings the paycheck, she turns it into a home. He offers his body, she brings forth new life. This isn’t inequality. This is a miraculous design. It was well planned out by a pretty important divine person…guess who that was?
And when we try to flatten these God-given roles, no one wins. We don’t become freer—we become confused. Men lose their sense of purpose. Women lose their sense of peace. The house becomes disordered, and the culture follows.
So what’s the alternative?
It’s not to swing into harsh patriarchy or pretend submission is easy. It’s to act, as Doug says, “like reasonable human beings.” To see our differences as beautiful, not burdensome. To recognize that sometimes love means yielding, not winning. That trust isn’t weakness—it’s worship. And that true strength is shown not in dominance, but in sacrifice.
If this stirs something in you…hope, conviction, resistance even…pause and pray. Ask God what He might be showing you through the tension. Don’t run from it. Sit with it. He may be inviting you into a new season of trust.
And maybe, just maybe, respect needs to return to the home, not just as a virtue, but as a structure.