Do you sometimes catch yourself saying words like ‘ I don’t get why he is so ….’ Or ‘ if he could only be …’. If you do, stop yourself right there and ask yourself these questions instead:
- What could I have said instead to not have made our discussion go south?
- What was it about my body language that might have made him so angry?
- Did I really need to comment on that past event, or could I have focused on our plan for the future?
- What triggered me about his comments, and could I have managed my emotions better once triggered?
- Should I have left the conversation earlier rather than win the conversation?
- Yield to win, rather than need to win.
- Why did I need to point out that flaw of his that I know bothers him?
I could go on and on, but I think you get the point; I have control of my thoughts, my emotions, and my feelings always. I am the regulator of my emotions, not some other external cause. It is okay for you to be sad, angry, or upset at the moment, but we don’t need to carry that emotion on our backs throughout the day. Feel it but don’t be it. Let that energy move through you and release.
When we judge ourselves, we tend to judge others. The journey towards perfectionism is a long and lonely one and takes you away from becoming the best version of yourself and also the best partner in your relationship. Being able to see your own flaws just as much as you see the flaws in your partner is one of the key aspects of building a solid relationship.
I think we can all remember a time that we stepped away from an argument with our partner feeling hopeless and helpless because we desired so desperately for him to tell us “Yes, you are right and thank you for showing me the light towards becoming more like you”. As I write this I am almost laughing – but it is so true! I can honestly say that 90% of the couples that come to me have this idea that I will ‘fix’ their partner. I likely will be able to make them more aware of how best to communicate, but until they fix themselves through self-reflection and self-regulation of their own emotions, the chances of me curing their relationship of all woes are very unlikely.
So, the next time you become upset and have an argument with your partner, think of this post and start asking yourself the questions above. You will not only elevate yourself in terms of empowerment by realizing that your joy does not rely on your partner to make you happy, but most of all, you have a greater sense of awareness and thus, a more extraordinary ability to achieve happiness in the moment. We do this in pillar 1 of my method where we begin to question our patterns of thoughts, feelings and emotions in real-time. You might even be excited to begin a future discussion since you have learned from your past mistakes, and will now implement changes in the future.
As always, I welcome any comments, thoughts, or desires to connect with me. Feel free to get in touch with me if you desire to control your own happiness.