I want to specifically speak about how resentment in relationships is not only tortuous towards your marriage but to yourself.
It is very common to have couples coming to see me after years of built-up resentment. Can you mend a relationship after years of resentment?
The answer is YES, but it will be that much more effortful. The better way to approach your grievances is as they occur, or as the Gottmans suggest, to have a ‘state of the union address’ once a week to air out the dirty laundry.
But just as we tend to self-flagellate ourselves unconsciously, we often do the same with our partners. It becomes a daily pattern of looking at their faults, rather than their assets.
When one constantly looks at all the reasons why their life sucks, your life sucks.
What we focus our attention on becomes our reality.
The sad thing about resentment and lack of forgiveness, as the quote states so well below, is that we are only harming ourselves, no other person. We must realize that our thoughts, energy, feelings, and emotions are staying at this low frequency. You can’t just shut that off, it is how you show up in every situation you walk into. It is YOU.
This is how YOU walk into the kitchen and approach your children. This is YOU driving to your gym class and cursing at the other drivers on the road. This is YOU spilling coffee on yourself and cursing at the barista for making the coffee too hot, or placing the lid on poorly.
YOU are pure misery and therefore all of your life is misery.
YOU have the choice to live your life differently, to decide you are not going to allow these feelings to be a part of you anymore, and do life differently.
Resentment is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Resentment is doing, thinking, and being the same person every single day and expecting your world to change around you.
Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Hmmm…I think a very smart man noted that once upon a time. Perhaps it is time to pay attention to what Malachy and Albert had to say.