Having Difficult Conversations are Necessary in a Relationship

Having Difficult Conversations are Necessary in a Relationship

Many of us feel the need to play it safe. We don’t want to ‘rock the boat’. The problem with this is that your relationship stays stagnant.

I would say that 80% of couples come to me stating they have difficulty communicating to one another.

Stepping into safety by not talking about how you feel about something they did or say is the most common way of playing it safe. Most people think these discussions will end in about conflict and think ” it is not worth the argument’.

But that is my point, it doesn’t have to be an argument!

Some common examples might be not expressing your disinterest in cooking, how your partner dresses, or their hygienic practices, the fact that they can never place their cup in the dishwasher, etc. This doesn’t need to be a big, sit down discussions, but simply a mention. You can say something like ” hey, it is not a big deal, but it would be great if you could….” and if your partner answers ” well, it is a big deal”. Then you could reply – okay, just thought I would like you know how I feel… I still love you anyway. There is a VERY high chance that after hearing your response, they may gradually start behaving differently.

This is how to navigate a relationship properly: 1) Access what are the deal breakers and practice having difficult conversations in order to reestablish your self-worth, 2) For the smaller disappointments – the non-deal breakers, just let them know that the little things you do for them are done not because you feel you need to do it, but because you want to do it, because…you love them.

When you practice honouring yourself in a relationship in a very kind and gentle manner, you grow and your relationship grows.

Saying nothing about how you feel about certain aspects or behaviours about your partner is likely a sign that there is a ” I should” behind your behaviours or thoughts. Those two words – I SHOULD – are always of sign of feeling misaligned in the sense that you are doing from a place of societal or parental views of what you SHOULD BE rather than what you simply ARE.

Knowing that you have the right to feel and express your feelings is the most important aspect of your self growth as well as in your relationships.

If your partner is not willing to grow with you – then this will need to be looked at more closely.

This is one of the topics I will cover in my upcoming Masterclass: Finding Peace and Hope in Your Current and Past Relationships. For more info on my Masterclass click here.

The Universe is Always Working With You: Will You Work With It? | Part 1

The Universe is Always Working With You: Will You Work With It? | Part 1

It all begins with you.

And therefore, you can’t wait for anything else to change – not your external environment, your location, or another person in your life.

You are responsible for your feelings and your perception of your situation.

A feeling, which is energy, is sent through vibrations and is reflected back unto you. This can be used in your favor or to your detriment. It is your choice. 

“But it’s not easy to change, Luella.”

I know… but most things worth living for are not easy. However, the idea is simple. With reference to the  statement above ‘A feeling, which is energy, is sent through vibrations and are reflected back unto you’ describes four laws of the Universe or laws of Nature. There are 12 Universal Laws as described by writer and spiritual coach,  Jessica Estrada. The law of divine oneness states that we are all connected through creation; in other words, every atom inside you is connected to the universe as you move through it. The law of attraction (you attract what you focus on)  is the law of vibration (everything in the universe has a frequency and a vibration) in action. And the law of cause and effect states that whatever you send out, you get back (or what some describe as karma).

Everything in the universe is already created. You do not need to create anything. It is all right in front of you right now. You cannot use the term “I will be” because everything is already here and done. You simply just need to attract it to you. Step into a new version of yourself and the universe will respond to you – it must – it is part of all the laws just mentioned.  They cannot be out of sync with one another. That is why I AM needs to be stated instead of I will be. For example, if you wanted to attract more confidence into your life, you would say “I AM confident.”. However, you must FEEL as if you already have it – because it is the feeling, the emotion, that places the energy into the universe.

And yes, this is the most difficult part. How do you feel something good when you perceive everything around you to be bad?

You leave it up to the universe to show you the way.

Just keep elevating your feeling and you will see…

It only gets better. 

To get the energy in motion, we need to leverage the law of inspired action. This involves making the “I am” statements described above and then acting in some way to make them come to fruition. You cannot just simply think these thoughts, there needs to be some form of action – you need to show effort. This can be done through journaling, identity boards, mirror affirmations, gratitude, but eventually it needs to become more than this. The expression of gratitude has been a proven method of uplifting your energy state.

I will remind you that baby steps are key in the transformational process. Otherwise, it will seem in surmountable. You take action, you fail, you course correct, and continue to move forward and focused on the end goal. Most of us have been trained that that it must be difficult to achieve, or those kinds of things happen to other people but not me. But this is simply not true. 

If you take baby steps towards your goal, you will see how your vibrational energy shifts much more easily and you will start trusting the process more. It is a way to build your faith muscle to believe it can only get better and better. And it does.

Now the law of relativity is a beautiful law that helps us to move away from self-judgement and more towards acceptance. Self-judgement, poor self-worth, guilt, and shame flood most people’s subconscious minds without them even realizing it! We all have these types of thoughts at different levels. For example, many mothers feel guilt and shame over not being the perfect mothers their children deserve.   This type of self-judgment is something we all do, and it’s stopping ourselves before we start. We have guilt, shame, inadequacies flooding ourselves and they are all lies!

Most people came to me for therapy work because they needed to change their limiting beliefs or thought patterns about who they are or what their destiny may hold. They saw themselves as broken or damaged, and therefore won’t pursue what they really really want.  In their mind’s eye ‘ it is done, it cannot be changed’. What they are describing is the law of correspondence. Novalle Wilder states are lives are created by subconscious patterns and it is the repetition of these patterns that either propel us or hold us back. What most people do not understand however, is that the law works both ways; it can be used to your advantage or against. It is your choice. Do you want to create better patterns to override the bad?

If your answer is YES, then there is good news. You can change your limiting beliefs by changing how you feel.

More on this in next week’s post!

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

If you’re like me, when you hear or read these words, you probably think of the song by The Clash. But that’s not what this post is about, I promise. For the last few days I have been busy creating a Master Class called Question your Connection, which centers around the topic of whether or not to leave your current marital or common-law relationship.

I hope many of you who are reading this have not questioned whether they should stay or go, but from my own experience as a therapist and coach, I know that many people entertain this thought – even just briefly.

Unfortunately, for many people it is not a fleeting thought. In fact, as I was creating my Master Class, I realized that one of the signs that your relationship is struggling is spending a lot of time dwelling on the relationship – whether you need to exit, seek counselling, where you might live (even temporarily), finances, custody, the reactions of your friends and family, and of course, the children.

That’s why, I chose the title of the post that I did. It is not a question that anyone wants to find themselves asking and yet many couples are faced with this push-pull emotion. You love your children so much and do not want any harm or hardship to come their way because of ‘your problem’. But the fact is, it is not ‘your problem’ – it is a family systems problem. There are all sorts of reasons for a relationship to break down, so of course I cannot assume any party’s level of responsibility or provide specific marital advice, but I feel it is safe to say that if you’re having these thoughts, it is now a family issue.

Referring to the title of the post, maybe a better question to ask is: What is More Important? My Own Mental Health or My Children’s? The answer is …your own mental health is more important.

How can you be the guide, mentor, educator, and provider for your children if you’re suffering and consumed with negative thoughts? I am not saying that separation will immediately relieve anyone of unhealthy thoughts, but if the root cause of your happiness is not being aligned to your partner, then how are you showing up for your children? If you do not respect your partner, if you cannot love your partner without evidence of his or her love for you, then how are you showing up in the world? You shouldn’t need to have evidence of your partner’s love; it is instead a type of knowing. You should just know. Regarding your children’s well-being, there are a few things we need to realize. The first is that we don’t know how the children will move through this and, in fact, if both parents have the children’s best interest at heart, it might not be as emotionally disruptive as some couples think. Of course, the extent of the impact on the children is extremely variable and largely dependent on their age at the time of separation, whether both partners agree with the need to separate, the parents’ own mental health at the time of the separation, and so on. However, for the sake of simplicity of this post, a parent’s mental health is far more important than the child’s emotions upon separation. Why? For the same reason that you’re instructed to place the oxygen mask on your mouth before your child’s if the plane goes down. How can you raise, nurture, and guide your children in a loving and respectful way if you can’t authentically present those qualities as a parent?

“You shouldn’t need to have evidence of your partner’s love; it is instead a type of knowing.”

via @luellajonk

We also need to realize that children are much more resilient than we might imagine. In other words, they are quite adaptive to new circumstances if they’re handled in the right way. This is why I am a huge advocate for collaborative practice family law. As mentioned in an interview that I conducted on my podcast I Think, I Can, it centres on what is best for the children, and it incorporates the use of professionals in the separation process, such as financial advisors, relationship coaches, and child specialists. You wouldn’t expect your plumber to know how to install a light fixture, so why are you depending on your lawyer to advise you what is best for your children? 

 Once the children understand that mom and dad seem happier and calmer when they are apart and that they themselves are still well cared for, attended to, loved, and supported, they will adapt. The length of time for adaptation is, again, very much related to how mom and dad are conducting the separation process. Some examples of unhealthy practices include parental alienation, using their children as messengers rather than speaking to one another, and just plain kindness. My advice always is to treat your ex as you would a business partner; be cordial and respectful.

My Master Class will touch on other nuances to consider when deciding if separation seems to be the right course of action, or, alternatively, measures that you can start incorporating immediately to see if YOU can change the trajectory of the marriage. I will list some suggestions of ways you can empower yourself and change rather than rely on your spouse to change. The advantage of this, of course, is that you become a better person overall, a better friend, parent, employee, and so on. This way, no matter how the relationship manifests, YOU as a person will come out on top. It is for this reason that I prefer relationship coaching rather than the traditional couple therapy work. It brings a sense of you knowing that your partner’s happiness is their own responsibility, and that your job is to focus on your own. When you start focusing on your own happiness, you take responsibility for your feelings. This then comes from a place of empowerment, rather than surrendering to the situation.

There is so much more I could write on this topic, especially due to all the variables involved, only some of which I have listed above. If you are one of those that asked yourself this question, I strongly recommend taking action and finding the answer – whether that be through speaking with a professional, taking a course such as the one I am creating, journaling, and so forth. The most important thing you can do is to attend to it! Do not suppress it, as suppression will ultimately lead to resentment, and further escalate the problem.

If you are questioning the state of your relationship, I am happy to share that I am hosting a Masterclass on this topic.

It is a paid Masterclass that will be held June 8-10 at 12 pm. If you cannot join the live class, then you can catch the replay and listen at your convenience. The cost is $77 US for three hours of content. June 10 will be a Q&A which I feel will be extremely helpful for you to get some answers.

As you can see this is an extremely affordable way of helping you navigate through troubling times.

I trust that you found this information helpful. Do not hesitate to reach out if you require further insight into a troubling relationship.