Most couples in a long-term relationship will be able to list at least one perpetual problem to which they seem to never find a solution. There is usually an ‘underlying current’ streaming below the relationship that is the basis for the conflicts.
For example, one partner feels that there is an inherent personality trait in their partner that is beyond repair. Each partner has a very narrow view of both themselves and their partner. Each one is focused on ‘how they made me feel’ when they did ‘this’ and how they are so wrong – usually because of this ‘personality trait’, whether that be some kind of personal failing or a poor communication pattern or something else.
Rather than immediately pointing the finger at your partner, it would be more productive if you stepped in front of a mirror and started looking at your own quirky ‘personality trait’, your poor communication patterns and perspectives.
Perhaps your view of the perpetual problem has narrowed over the course of your relationship. After so many years spent with this other person, all that you do now is focus your energy and thoughts on how wrong you think your partner is.
The advantage of hiring a professional to assist in your relationship is that the professional can take the 30,000-foot view from above. In my experience as a relationship coach, focusing on the individual rather than the couple brings one another a sense of peace and calmness. with an individual approach, I get to see how they think, and thus how they behave with these patterned thoughts. I see what they can’t see. I had a call with a woman today who kept forecasting what she was sure her partner was going to do: how he will think and how he will behave. I needed to remind her that if you continue to perceive your partner as this mean, defensive, unreasonable person, then he will be exactly that person. I tell my clients that they must look deeper inside their partners to see that there is a more loving aspect to that person. I remind them that this is the person they saw the first time they met their partner. He or she is still there.
When you find yourself entrenched in these patterns of conflict, try looking at your partner through the lens of who you fell in love with, and then check in with your belief system. Stay in your lane. By perseverating on negativity, your life will reflect negativity. In the case that I mentioned above, I was able to use guidance and course correction to help her do the self-check into her negative thought loops. I also reminded her that none of what those thought loops contained was true. This expanded her view of the entire situation.
Creating a romantic and deeply connecting relationship helps shine the light on one’s individual patterns of thought so that each can take the focus off their partner’s flaws. By growing inwardly, your relationship will grow outwardly.
You are welcome to contact me if this type of transformation is what you are looking for within your relationship.