What Losing Yourself as a Woman Means to Me

What Losing Yourself as a Woman Means to Me

I believe most women can relate to a time when they lost the essence of who they are or what they stand for due to their external situation.

We begin to struggle and doubt ourselves and allow for the separation to continue; the division within ourselves.

We move away from the feminine part of ourselves (feeling into the emotion) and step into ‘doing’ something about it. That may show up as working harder at your career, getting more ‘steps’ in the day and spending more time in the gym for the body transformation, or taking over more chores in the house and being more of a mom.

What we don’t realize in all our ‘doing’ is that we distract ourselves from our feelings. For women, feeling is the secret sauce that we can claim as our power. It is what makes us magical and the likeness of a sorceress. Do not shy away from your feelings. Embrace them, and allow your feelings to walk beside you momentarily until you are ready to leave them behind. They bubble up for a reason, do not suppress them by your ‘doing’.

Yes, it does mean that we tend to hurt on a deeper level but this also means we are allowed to claim the highs with such exhilarant joy.

So, honour the times when you are deeply hurt and realize that your body senses that for a reason. It was nudging you to get in touch with yourself. Who am I? What do I stand for? What are my values? Do not coalesce and accept what is happening right before your eyes. This might mean having hard conversations with your partner and tapping into your values. You are not only doing it for yourself, but for everyone around you, including your friends, family and your children.

If you feel it, it is for a reason. Trust in it. Have faith in it.

Thinking Less and Feeling More

Thinking Less and Feeling More

Have you ever heard of the term ‘ what resists persists’?

If someone tells you that you cannot have something, that is all you want. If you are trying to think of a word, it will not enter your mind.

You cannot ‘will’ it away.

When one focuses too much on thought, and not enough on feelings, an imbalance of energy occurs. This is true for so many situations, but let’s focus on anxiety.

To live life from intellect only is something that men especially struggle with.

I had a call with a man today. He was a bit confused because he thought it was good to call his wife when he gets anxious so that she could listen and talk it through with him. I asked him why he felt the need to call her and speak about his anxiety with her. He said it was because he felt better after talking to her and he thought he was supposed to talk about his feelings. However, he also mentioned that she was beginning to resent this… and therefore called me.

There are a few problems with this.

  1. He is acting too much from feminine energy and
  2. This then causes her to ‘mother’ him which is masculine energy,
  3. He is relying on her to rid his anxiety.

My client has forgotten that he has a choice. He can choose what to focus his energy on and what he wants to feel in the moment. If his energy is anxious/low energy, it doesn’t help to distract from the feeling/energy and call his wife in order for her to ‘fix’ it. It is much better to not ‘resist’ the feeling. He needs to embody the feeling and perhaps breathe through the feeling. Pay attention to the feeling – do not ‘think’ it away. If the feeling is there, it is for a reason.

By processing the feeling, he will notice it move through him easier. Once processed, he will feel more empowered and able to focus his energy elsewhere. In other words, feel disappointment and sadness, and realize he has the option to feel and think different thoughts that will allow him to feel differently.

He is now empowered to take control of his life; to move energy through his body with focused attention to thought, processing feelings (feeling the energy move through him), which allows different thoughts to infiltrate and regain his focus and awareness towards what he wants the rest of his day to look like. This in turn balances each other’s masculine and feminine energy and subsequently, supports their relationship.

Most couples think it is about communication

Most couples think it is about communication

Most couples think it is about communication. ‘ I need you to talk to me’ or ‘ I need you to tell me you love me’. ‘I need you to text me to ask me how I am feeling or how my day is going.’

Do you understand what is wrong with those statements? The words ” I need” are what is wrong with those statements. You don’t need them to do anything. Instead, tell them how you feel.

Your relationship will improve when you start acting and communicating from a place of feeling, rather than a place of thinking.

What I am really saying is to get in touch with yourself first. Only when you speak about your feelings can your partner start understanding you. If you come from a place of need, you are

a) coming from a place of lack, so you will attract more lack

b) discrediting his needs because you are putting your needs in front of your partner

If you are not feeling good about your relationship, then communicate your feelings while honouring his/her needs. Become curious about why your partner is behaving in a manner that you are not in favour of. But before you do that, ask yourself why you are not okay with the behaviour.

I am sorry, but it is all about self-growth and getting curious about yourself before any repair in communication can happen. I say ‘sorry’ because most individuals rather hear that their partner needs to change, not them (also, I am CDN and therefore the word sorry is a part of my daily vernacular

If it was as simple as communication then two individuals could cohabitate as roommates or business partners and live happily ever after. This is why Hallmark can charge $10 for a card! We like to think it is all about communication, but communication comes second. Inner work comes first.

How you behave has everything to do with tapping into your feelings and holding space for the deep hurt while experiencing the incredible joys. How you feel and behave is a reflection of the 

balance between your masculine and feminine energy (yes, we all have both). You can choose to live from your wounds or choose to allow yourself to feel ALL of the emotions.

If you are curious to learn more about inner work in order to experience true connection, I am here to help.

Healing from Affairs

Healing from Affairs

I love John Gottman’s work on betrayals in general, but especially in relation to non-sexual betrayal, or what many of you might call emotional betrayal. He makes it super simple to distinguish between what is platonic and what is not.

There is no such thing as a conditional commitment when it comes to a romantic relationship. This is why it is beneficial to have a healthy dose of curiosity when it comes to female phone contacts on your husband’s or male contacts on your wife’s phone.

But as always, the dose makes the poison.

You cannot constantly be going through your partner’s phone as this is a sign of mistrust.

Remember this: Trust and commitment are the two supporting walls the Sound Relationship House.

We have all heard of the term ‘work wife’ or ‘work-husband’. However, similar relationships can be carved with gym mates, hired hands, baristas, and so on. They all have a common theme in terms of starting off innocently, but when the conversations start to move into shared personal stories or intimate conversations, this is when the red flags go up.

I love to teach by example, so let’s set the stage. Steven and Michelle are attending Steve’s work Christmas party. Michelle and Steve are having a conversation when suddenly, his attention goes towards the entrance. In walked an attractive woman who you later learn is Jocelyn, a colleague working alongside Steve on a current project. Not soon after, Steve introduces you to Jocelyn. In the conversations that ensued, you become surprised that Jocelyn seems to know a lot about your family. She knows about your son’s graduation gift, the babysitter’s name, your dog’s illness, and the name of the nursing home where your mom is newly residing. Then, without first asking, when Steve grabs drinks for both of you, he brings Jocelyn gin and tonic and apologizes that they were out of white wine. What? More awkwardness occurs throughout the night that makes it impossible for you to overlook their deep sense of connection. Call it women’s intuition or just plain ‘weirdness’.

On the way home, you straight-out confront Steve about the depth and level of personal information that has been exchanged. Steve minimalizes it and tells you that you are grossly overanalyzing things and you need to calm down. That, ‘this is exactly why I don’t talk to you about female colleagues because you go completely nuts’ and ‘get your head on straight’. He wants to change the subject, rather than discuss how this level of intimacy could have transpired. Rather than making Michelle feel safe and loved, he makes her feel like she ‘wants to cause a fight’.

This little vignette gives you a sense of a level of emotional exchanges that are too deep and bid for your attention.

So, what were the ‘red flags’ from this scene? When and if you sense dishonesty or betrayal from your partner, this is what to look for:

  1. Quick dismissive attitude towards you.
  2. You have never previously heard him mention her name once in his work conversations.
  3. Lack of curiosity as to why you might be feeling or thinking this way.
  4. Compassion towards you because he senses the hurt feelings and distance from him.
  5. Turning the conversation on YOU rather than on HIM.