Healing from Affairs

Healing from Affairs

I love John Gottman’s work on betrayals in general, but especially in relation to non-sexual betrayal, or what many of you might call emotional betrayal. He makes it super simple to distinguish between what is platonic and what is not.

There is no such thing as a conditional commitment when it comes to a romantic relationship. This is why it is beneficial to have a healthy dose of curiosity when it comes to female phone contacts on your husband’s or male contacts on your wife’s phone.

But as always, the dose makes the poison.

You cannot constantly be going through your partner’s phone as this is a sign of mistrust.

Remember this: Trust and commitment are the two supporting walls the Sound Relationship House.

We have all heard of the term ‘work wife’ or ‘work-husband’. However, similar relationships can be carved with gym mates, hired hands, baristas, and so on. They all have a common theme in terms of starting off innocently, but when the conversations start to move into shared personal stories or intimate conversations, this is when the red flags go up.

I love to teach by example, so let’s set the stage. Steven and Michelle are attending Steve’s work Christmas party. Michelle and Steve are having a conversation when suddenly, his attention goes towards the entrance. In walked an attractive woman who you later learn is Jocelyn, a colleague working alongside Steve on a current project. Not soon after, Steve introduces you to Jocelyn. In the conversations that ensued, you become surprised that Jocelyn seems to know a lot about your family. She knows about your son’s graduation gift, the babysitter’s name, your dog’s illness, and the name of the nursing home where your mom is newly residing. Then, without first asking, when Steve grabs drinks for both of you, he brings Jocelyn gin and tonic and apologizes that they were out of white wine. What? More awkwardness occurs throughout the night that makes it impossible for you to overlook their deep sense of connection. Call it women’s intuition or just plain ‘weirdness’.

On the way home, you straight-out confront Steve about the depth and level of personal information that has been exchanged. Steve minimalizes it and tells you that you are grossly overanalyzing things and you need to calm down. That, ‘this is exactly why I don’t talk to you about female colleagues because you go completely nuts’ and ‘get your head on straight’. He wants to change the subject, rather than discuss how this level of intimacy could have transpired. Rather than making Michelle feel safe and loved, he makes her feel like she ‘wants to cause a fight’.

This little vignette gives you a sense of a level of emotional exchanges that are too deep and bid for your attention.

So, what were the ‘red flags’ from this scene? When and if you sense dishonesty or betrayal from your partner, this is what to look for:

  1. Quick dismissive attitude towards you.
  2. You have never previously heard him mention her name once in his work conversations.
  3. Lack of curiosity as to why you might be feeling or thinking this way.
  4. Compassion towards you because he senses the hurt feelings and distance from him.
  5. Turning the conversation on YOU rather than on HIM.

 

Emotional Affair

Emotional Affair

Many of us would love to call ourselves trustworthy, but are we? And do we trust our partners? Do we even trust ourselves?

What if we find ourselves one day discovering that we have stepped into the chasm of betrayal by our partner. Now what? Would it be a deal breaker for you? Was it a deal breaker for you?

In my experience as a coach, I have seen couples’ relationships dissipate quickly – because betrayal was a deal breaker for them. However, 90% of my couples remained together.

There is no proven coaching formula to follow because, to be honest, it really depends on the individual/couple. For some, it gave them permission to end an already terrible relationship, but for many others, it is devastating because it shattered their reality.

The big question asked is always “Why? How could you do this?”. And the common answer is “ I don’t know”. I hear this answer constantly, which just injects more frustration into the situation.

Being trained in the Gottman Method of Couple Counselling has definitely helped me in my coaching practice, as the couple is taken through a series of steps to repair and regain trust. However, to me, it simply reiterates the need for each person in any given relationship to own their worth and identify as an individual, not solely as a couple.

Your happiness does not rely on your partner. You must always remember this no matter what stage of your relationship.

Because of this, I feel the more mature the relationship, the stronger the staying power to work on the relationship. In the newer relationships (~8 years or less) the quicker the relationship ends. I understand the newer couples have ‘less skin in the game’, meaning they may or may not have children at this point, or the time to prove their love for one another.

I have coached many couples through these hard times and the ability to trust once again is extremely difficult, despite truly wanting the relationship to work and deeply loving their partner. As mentioned above, for some it is a deal breaker. They know themselves well enough to realize they will never be able to trust this person again. This is where the real work lies; reconnecting with yourself and engaging on a personal journey of emotional growth and evolution.

I particularly remember one couple I worked with; the woman had ‘trust issues’ prior to stepping into her current marriage. Because she hadn’t done the deep emotional work on herself to trust another person again, she found herself in a second marriage with a husband who had an emotional affair. Rather than me ‘fixing her husband”, I worked with her. I helped her build herself up to choose to make the right choice, mainly by ridding the old paradigms of what she once believed of herself, which is always done in pillar 1. I helped her to reconnect with herself on many different levels in a way that she eventually started to honour herself once again and discover her own values. When her husband began to see her strength, he was more connected and committed to her.

I hope that none of you ever had their hearts broken because of betrayal. However, if you have please let me know if I can help.

How to Repair After an Affair

How to Repair After an Affair

Hopefully none of you will need to use this information, but for those couples who do, please keep reading.

As a Gottman Level 3 trained therapist, I know a lot about what makes marriages work and what does not. I understand how couples distance themselves and how they are able to come together again. I know who, in my therapy room, are the masters of healthy relationships and who are the disasters. For a nice introduction into Gottman method of couple therapy, please have a listen to Episode #8 of my podcast I Think, I Can.

After infidelity, there is a certain protocol a couple needs to follow when attempting to repair the relationship. And I advise not to try to do it alone. Repair after infidelity is a tricky, circuitous path to navigate, one best done under the guidance of a trained therapist. For anyone who has gone through such a deep betrayal as infidelity, they know what I am talking about. It is not something to be taken lightly. It is a gut wrenching, mind-blowing type of hurt that is difficult to describe. It goes into the depth of your soul. How do I know this? Because I have seen it on my clients’ faces, even long after the betrayal has occurred.

And then when you turn towards your partner and ask them how they could do something like this, the classic answer is “I don’t know”.

“Infidelity is a symptom of a relationship that required daily tending, much like a garden would, yet was ignored.. When too many weeds take over, the garden cannot thrive.”

via @luellajonk

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Hmmm – that doesn’t fly over well, now does it?

If I see that the betrayer authentically does not know, then we need to do more individual work. I have that person come in alone and provide them with a questionnaire which helps them to find that answer. During the couples’ session however, I might also ask the betrayer “Now ask your partner what it feels like to hear you say, ‘I don’t know’.” If the betrayer remains emotionless, as a therapist I know we have a problem.

There are three phases of re-establishing the relationship after infidelity.

  • Attunement
  • Atonement
  • Attachment

During the first phase, atonement, any questions the betrayed needs to ask the betrayer is done in the safety of the therapy room. I may encourage the betrayed to write down a list of questions prior to coming in as sometimes these thoughts race around in one’s head all day – but under the pressure of a couples’ session, they can get lost. The purpose of this session is so that ‘no stone gets unturned’ so to speak. The betrayed should have every single question answered. After all, they deserve answers. The truth needs to come out. If it doesn’t, the relationship will never be repaired. The goal is to re-establish trust; without trust, no relationship will stand. Trust and commitment are the two supporting walls in any sound relationship house.

The attunement phase is when we go into the health of the relationship prior to the betrayal. How did the couple communicate? Was there communication at all? However, there are strong rules that I insist on with this discussion. There is no blame, attack, or criticism. In other words – this is my chance to see what the couple’s communication style is – and from there I teach them what communication should look like. I teach them that the four horsemen of the apocalypse (what John Gottman dubbed as the four communication breakdown behaviours he saw in his research with couples) are Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling, and Defensiveness, and they are NOT allowed in my room. If I see these behaviours, I have no problem abruptly interrupting the discussion. I point it out in the moment so that they become better at noticing it themselves. Attunement is a place for couples to process their feelings. To feel the hurt of the other and to communicate their pain to their partner. The whole process is to bring each other closer, to help them understand each other’s own subjective reality. There are usually many betrayals that have happened in the couples’ history together and we may need to go back to these times and process the feelings that perhaps never got processed.

Attachment is the place where all couples want to get to. It is a place of peace, safety, and contentment, a place of serenity and calm. Trust is solidified during this phase. It is also a time where we establish very clear boundaries going forward. In this phase, we create a plan going forward so you feel safe in continuing this relationship, much in the same way I help couples draw up a parenting or separation agreement when I act as a relationship coach. I encourage the partners to use verbiage such as “I feel ______when you do _____, and this is what I need (from you)”.

 

No one wants to find themselves or expects to ever be betrayed. Sexual or emotional betrayal can be catastrophic in a relationship, and frankly can end the relationship quite abruptly. There are some individuals that have very firm boundaries that are tied in with moral values. However, the decision to end the relationship is rarely that simple. Each couple I deal with have very different personal histories. Factors that I feel most predict whether a relationship will last through the betrayal or not would be length of time together as a couple, whether there are children, whether trust has been breached prior to this incident, and cultural background.

Personally, as a therapist, it is very difficult for me to see the hurt on an individual’s face who has experienced betrayal in their relationships. I think the most difficult part of this is that it changes the individual (betrayed) on a very personal level. Someone who was once very trusting of their partner, is no longer someone who trusts. Regaining trust in a relationship can be a massive undertaking for any person. It is hard work and it takes time. However, I have a massive respect for couples that make it through this and come out stronger because of it, which is quite often the case. Infidelity is a symptom of a relationship that required daily tending, much like a garden would, yet was ignored.. When too many weeds take over, the garden cannot thrive.

To read more about betrayals, check out my blog series, 10 ways a partner can betray you, (2021).

Let me get that for you dear, you’ve had a hard day. Unfairness and Broken Promises.

Let me get that for you dear, you’ve had a hard day. Unfairness and Broken Promises.

I think it happens in the best of marriages. At some point along the timeline, you take a look at the present state of affairs and think, ‘Really? How did this even happen?’ It seems like at one time, tasks were divided and consideration for one another’s time was honoured. For a woman who wanted to embrace motherhood and maternity leave, she now somehow also signed up for ‘house maid’ at Hotel Chez Maison; not only is she taking care of junior 8-10 hours of the day, but she is also picking up wet towels off the bathroom floor and gathering crusty plates and half-drunk cans off the coffee table. How is this fair? Heaven forbid you express concerns about this to your spouse. It seems as though women are brainwashed from an early age with images of June Cleaver stamped on their hippocampus; the perfectly clean house, a joyful child playing happily while you place a hot meal on the table as your loving spouse walks in the door after his 7.5-hour day at the office. Then you sit down together and talk about each other’s day. Wake up! Yes – it was a dream.

Of course, this can go both ways. I like to think I am not gender-biased, but even in 2021, the majority of parental leaves land on women. Even in homosexual marriages, one tends to get the short-end of the stick. Why is it so hard to be fair? It’s usually because one of the partners becomes tired of complaining and it is just easier to do it yourself (the Obliger), or one partner becomes dismissive and dominating in the marriage and brainwashes the other to presume this is ‘normal’ behaviour. Communication is the problem. Neither partner is communicating well.

One partner tends to not express their true needs, or another may be the conflict avoider

“ It seems as though women are brainwashed from an early age with images of June Cleaver stamped on their hippocampus.“

via @luellajonk

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When it comes to broken promises, it seems like life is full of them, doesn’t it? But when it comes to a marriage, where vows were exchanged to one another, the hurt runs deep. Many couples feel their partner has not honoured their promises at the time of marriage. It takes a lot of work on both partners to ensure the promises made are kept and honoured. I don’t think any human intentionally dishonours their partner.

Sometimes it is very abrupt, such as one partner feels religion is no longer important to them and decides the children do not need to attend their weekly church service. Or it may be that the joint bank account for all the household finances has selfishly become your spouse’s problem and my money is for my own needs and expenditures.

Unfortunately, addictions have become prevalent in the web of broken promises throughout many relationships that come to my office. The partner who is not suffering with the addiction has tried to regain the trust but cannot withstand the repeated disappointment and lies. At times the partner is the enabler by perpetuating the addiction; they trust, ‘this time, she or he means it’ and stays with their partner because of the promise they made to one another at the time of marriage. The sufferer of the addiction may have even guilted their partner into feeling guilt and shame for talking about ‘leaving the relationship’. This is a serious situation and needs immediate attention. Months of this behaviour quickly turn into years. It is unfair for both, not to mention for the children, if present.

This concludes the series on betrayals and to be honest, I am glad! I rather not talk about ‘downer’ topics like this. Unfortunately, it is common and deserves the attention.

In the following weeks, you are going to see varying topics. Everything from food addictions, to dealing with the inner critic, trauma, SIBO, loss of libido, how to lower inflammation, and yes, more on relationships.