The Universe is Always Working With You: Will You Work With It? | Part 1

The Universe is Always Working With You: Will You Work With It? | Part 1

It all begins with you.

And therefore, you can’t wait for anything else to change – not your external environment, your location, or another person in your life.

You are responsible for your feelings and your perception of your situation.

A feeling, which is energy, is sent through vibrations and is reflected back unto you. This can be used in your favor or to your detriment. It is your choice. 

“But it’s not easy to change, Luella.”

I know… but most things worth living for are not easy. However, the idea is simple. With reference to the  statement above ‘A feeling, which is energy, is sent through vibrations and are reflected back unto you’ describes four laws of the Universe or laws of Nature. There are 12 Universal Laws as described by writer and spiritual coach,  Jessica Estrada. The law of divine oneness states that we are all connected through creation; in other words, every atom inside you is connected to the universe as you move through it. The law of attraction (you attract what you focus on)  is the law of vibration (everything in the universe has a frequency and a vibration) in action. And the law of cause and effect states that whatever you send out, you get back (or what some describe as karma).

Everything in the universe is already created. You do not need to create anything. It is all right in front of you right now. You cannot use the term “I will be” because everything is already here and done. You simply just need to attract it to you. Step into a new version of yourself and the universe will respond to you – it must – it is part of all the laws just mentioned.  They cannot be out of sync with one another. That is why I AM needs to be stated instead of I will be. For example, if you wanted to attract more confidence into your life, you would say “I AM confident.”. However, you must FEEL as if you already have it – because it is the feeling, the emotion, that places the energy into the universe.

And yes, this is the most difficult part. How do you feel something good when you perceive everything around you to be bad?

You leave it up to the universe to show you the way.

Just keep elevating your feeling and you will see…

It only gets better. 

To get the energy in motion, we need to leverage the law of inspired action. This involves making the “I am” statements described above and then acting in some way to make them come to fruition. You cannot just simply think these thoughts, there needs to be some form of action – you need to show effort. This can be done through journaling, identity boards, mirror affirmations, gratitude, but eventually it needs to become more than this. The expression of gratitude has been a proven method of uplifting your energy state.

I will remind you that baby steps are key in the transformational process. Otherwise, it will seem in surmountable. You take action, you fail, you course correct, and continue to move forward and focused on the end goal. Most of us have been trained that that it must be difficult to achieve, or those kinds of things happen to other people but not me. But this is simply not true. 

If you take baby steps towards your goal, you will see how your vibrational energy shifts much more easily and you will start trusting the process more. It is a way to build your faith muscle to believe it can only get better and better. And it does.

Now the law of relativity is a beautiful law that helps us to move away from self-judgement and more towards acceptance. Self-judgement, poor self-worth, guilt, and shame flood most people’s subconscious minds without them even realizing it! We all have these types of thoughts at different levels. For example, many mothers feel guilt and shame over not being the perfect mothers their children deserve.   This type of self-judgment is something we all do, and it’s stopping ourselves before we start. We have guilt, shame, inadequacies flooding ourselves and they are all lies!

Most people came to me for therapy work because they needed to change their limiting beliefs or thought patterns about who they are or what their destiny may hold. They saw themselves as broken or damaged, and therefore won’t pursue what they really really want.  In their mind’s eye ‘ it is done, it cannot be changed’. What they are describing is the law of correspondence. Novalle Wilder states are lives are created by subconscious patterns and it is the repetition of these patterns that either propel us or hold us back. What most people do not understand however, is that the law works both ways; it can be used to your advantage or against. It is your choice. Do you want to create better patterns to override the bad?

If your answer is YES, then there is good news. You can change your limiting beliefs by changing how you feel.

More on this in next week’s post!

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

If you’re like me, when you hear or read these words, you probably think of the song by The Clash. But that’s not what this post is about, I promise. For the last few days I have been busy creating a Master Class called Question your Connection, which centers around the topic of whether or not to leave your current marital or common-law relationship.

I hope many of you who are reading this have not questioned whether they should stay or go, but from my own experience as a therapist and coach, I know that many people entertain this thought – even just briefly.

Unfortunately, for many people it is not a fleeting thought. In fact, as I was creating my Master Class, I realized that one of the signs that your relationship is struggling is spending a lot of time dwelling on the relationship – whether you need to exit, seek counselling, where you might live (even temporarily), finances, custody, the reactions of your friends and family, and of course, the children.

That’s why, I chose the title of the post that I did. It is not a question that anyone wants to find themselves asking and yet many couples are faced with this push-pull emotion. You love your children so much and do not want any harm or hardship to come their way because of ‘your problem’. But the fact is, it is not ‘your problem’ – it is a family systems problem. There are all sorts of reasons for a relationship to break down, so of course I cannot assume any party’s level of responsibility or provide specific marital advice, but I feel it is safe to say that if you’re having these thoughts, it is now a family issue.

Referring to the title of the post, maybe a better question to ask is: What is More Important? My Own Mental Health or My Children’s? The answer is …your own mental health is more important.

How can you be the guide, mentor, educator, and provider for your children if you’re suffering and consumed with negative thoughts? I am not saying that separation will immediately relieve anyone of unhealthy thoughts, but if the root cause of your happiness is not being aligned to your partner, then how are you showing up for your children? If you do not respect your partner, if you cannot love your partner without evidence of his or her love for you, then how are you showing up in the world? You shouldn’t need to have evidence of your partner’s love; it is instead a type of knowing. You should just know. Regarding your children’s well-being, there are a few things we need to realize. The first is that we don’t know how the children will move through this and, in fact, if both parents have the children’s best interest at heart, it might not be as emotionally disruptive as some couples think. Of course, the extent of the impact on the children is extremely variable and largely dependent on their age at the time of separation, whether both partners agree with the need to separate, the parents’ own mental health at the time of the separation, and so on. However, for the sake of simplicity of this post, a parent’s mental health is far more important than the child’s emotions upon separation. Why? For the same reason that you’re instructed to place the oxygen mask on your mouth before your child’s if the plane goes down. How can you raise, nurture, and guide your children in a loving and respectful way if you can’t authentically present those qualities as a parent?

“You shouldn’t need to have evidence of your partner’s love; it is instead a type of knowing.”

via @luellajonk

We also need to realize that children are much more resilient than we might imagine. In other words, they are quite adaptive to new circumstances if they’re handled in the right way. This is why I am a huge advocate for collaborative practice family law. As mentioned in an interview that I conducted on my podcast I Think, I Can, it centres on what is best for the children, and it incorporates the use of professionals in the separation process, such as financial advisors, relationship coaches, and child specialists. You wouldn’t expect your plumber to know how to install a light fixture, so why are you depending on your lawyer to advise you what is best for your children? 

 Once the children understand that mom and dad seem happier and calmer when they are apart and that they themselves are still well cared for, attended to, loved, and supported, they will adapt. The length of time for adaptation is, again, very much related to how mom and dad are conducting the separation process. Some examples of unhealthy practices include parental alienation, using their children as messengers rather than speaking to one another, and just plain kindness. My advice always is to treat your ex as you would a business partner; be cordial and respectful.

My Master Class will touch on other nuances to consider when deciding if separation seems to be the right course of action, or, alternatively, measures that you can start incorporating immediately to see if YOU can change the trajectory of the marriage. I will list some suggestions of ways you can empower yourself and change rather than rely on your spouse to change. The advantage of this, of course, is that you become a better person overall, a better friend, parent, employee, and so on. This way, no matter how the relationship manifests, YOU as a person will come out on top. It is for this reason that I prefer relationship coaching rather than the traditional couple therapy work. It brings a sense of you knowing that your partner’s happiness is their own responsibility, and that your job is to focus on your own. When you start focusing on your own happiness, you take responsibility for your feelings. This then comes from a place of empowerment, rather than surrendering to the situation.

There is so much more I could write on this topic, especially due to all the variables involved, only some of which I have listed above. If you are one of those that asked yourself this question, I strongly recommend taking action and finding the answer – whether that be through speaking with a professional, taking a course such as the one I am creating, journaling, and so forth. The most important thing you can do is to attend to it! Do not suppress it, as suppression will ultimately lead to resentment, and further escalate the problem.

If you are questioning the state of your relationship, I am happy to share that I am hosting a Masterclass on this topic.

It is a paid Masterclass that will be held June 8-10 at 12 pm. If you cannot join the live class, then you can catch the replay and listen at your convenience. The cost is $77 US for three hours of content. June 10 will be a Q&A which I feel will be extremely helpful for you to get some answers.

As you can see this is an extremely affordable way of helping you navigate through troubling times.

I trust that you found this information helpful. Do not hesitate to reach out if you require further insight into a troubling relationship.

When to Say or Not Say How You Really Feel

When to Say or Not Say How You Really Feel

This question comes up A LOT in my office. Especially, when it comes to communicating with the ones you care for the most or spend the most time with.

Personally, I have to admit I love hanging around people who say it like it is. This is the person who isn’t afraid of how their words may be interpreted by others. I feel you are being genuine when you express how you really feel.

Why? Think of what the implications might be if you were to do the opposite. Would you prefer to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Are you conforming to act or express yourself in a certain way that is really not authentic to you and how YOU feel? There is a huge risk in doing this. I don’t mean you lost a chance to express yourself in the moment, what I mean is…

The risk is that you are not aligning toward your true core values.

Think about it. For every interaction or communication attempt you make in life with another individual, you are negotiating with yourself first. It may be a split-second decision in terms of what comes out of your mouth, but it is a decision that is based on how this response feels to you. What sort of energy is flowing through your body?

You may have heard me in the room note that the most important relationship you have in life is with yourself. Therefore, you check in with yourself first, and if it feels right, express this to your communicative partner. The person may not like what you are saying, or agree with what you are saying, but if it aligns with your values, then it is the best response you can give to them. If this person has similar values as you – then they will eventually understand you.

What are my values you ask?

Many people do not know what their values are. Have you ever tried to list your top 5 values? Think of what is the most important to you at this time in your life. Some examples include, but are not limited to:

  1. Family
  2. Purpose in Life
  3. Spirituality/Religion
  4. Children
  5. Partner
  6. Honesty
  7. Non-judgement
  8. Maintaining Close Friendships
  9. Service to your Community
  10. Trust
  11. Commitment
  12. Respect
  13. Physical Health
  14. Education

Now, let’s put this in action by giving you an analogy in which you need to first negotiate with yourself, check in to your core values, and then decide what comes out of your mouth. I will provide the analogy of two romantic partners in a communication attempt with one another. The couple is Todd and Rhianna. I will assist Rhianna to check in with her core values in order to play this out. Her top values happen to be; Career, Children, Honesty, Physical Health, and Emotional Health. Todd and Rhianna have 3 children under 8 years old.

The family has just had supper. It is a beautiful summer evening. The kids have been wanting to get school supplies for some time and the parents also want to get this done, so they decide to head out to Staples. Then, Rhianna receives a text from one of her close friends who wants to take advantage of this summer evening, and requests she join her for a walk to catch up. They haven’t had a chance to see each other in a long time and Rhianna would love to connect with her. However, Rhianna knows her family has plans, so she begins to negotiate with herself.

 “I want to help the kids and Todd pick out supplies. I have always helped them with the school lists. Todd is not the most organized and I know he prefers me to help him. I haven’t made time to go for a walk in so long. How many more nights will we have like this? Summer is coming to an end. It would be nice to see her.”

Let’s stop and check her core values? What is pulling her toward walking? Physical health, emotional health, and honesty. What is pulling her towards jumping in the car with Todd? Her children and partner.

There you have it. Negotiation is done. Rhianna is going for walk with her girlfriend. Are the kids and Todd happy about it? Probably not, but that is okay. Why? Because by aligning to her core values, Rhianna is a happier and more fulfilled person.

Could Todd call her selfish? Perhaps (if he is a jerk – sorry, but it is true), but I like to call this selfless. Rhianna is aligning to her own self-worth. Her ‘self-check’, which occurred in milliseconds, would have told her whether to fulfill her needs today or not. Maybe if Rhianna was at the cabin days prior to this and went on lots of nature hikes with her family or by herself, she might have passed on this opportunity. However, something is pulling her to take care of herself, her emotional and physical health. Most importantly, Rhianna is being HONEST, which to me is one of my most important values. I don’t think I could write this post without you being able to see what values are important to me. This is how I write. I check in with myself so I can be authentic and real in the way I write. My posts, ideas, and thoughts are not always going to sit well with all that read them, and that is okay.

This is why the title of this post is what it is. When to say or not say how you really feel. What you do not understand is that if you continue to be disingenuous to yourself, you are living a shallow life. And the vignette written above shows a simple example of what practising this in daily life might look like. If you don’t practise the self-check-in on a daily basis, you are not going to be able to do it when it comes to major life decisions. Should I have children or not? Do I want to live just outside the city or not? Do I enrol my kids in public or private school? Do I pick the kids up from daycare or does my partner? Do I have a meeting with my administration asking for a promotion/raise or do I sit quiet? Do I contact my professor to question this exam mark or not? Do I end this relationship or continue to spend time with this person?

Hmmm – Suddenly, this post is not so light anymore.

Are you living up to your core values? Or are you simply taking the path of least resistance in order to just scrape by? These days of scraping by are adding up to years of your life.

The best time to start living according to your values is today.”

via @luellajonk

The best time to start living according to your values is today. Are you putting too much effort, money, or time into living according to a value that is not even on your list? If so, this might be why you are feeling like you are today.

I hope this helps you make some better choices in the days to come. I want you to become an excellent negotiator not only with yourself, but with the people around you. If that inner dialogue is not going well, then ask yourself one simple question.

What are my concerns? What am I fearing?

The answers will come.