Ever wonder how a simple roll of the eyes can lead a friendly conversation to full out fighting? Or how you feel when your partner constantly points out your poor grammar and then follows with, ‘I am only trying to prevent you from embarrassing yourself in front of others’.

“Hmmm – thanks dear.”

Let’s first talk about Betrayal Number 7 – Disrespect. What does lack of respect look like in a couple? Let’s face it. You didn’t marry your partner to help you with your speaking style, fashion insight, or how you mow the grass. There comes a time and place in your years of living together that you will realize, your way is not ‘his or her’ way – and gosh darn it – you are just going to have to accept it. By continuously pointing out their ‘faults’, you not only harm the partnership, but it will help to end it. As John Gottman noted, A loving relationship is not about having the upper hand, it is about holding hands. Spearing out contemptuous name-calling or comments that make anyone feel ‘lesser than’ is just plain childish, emotionally abusive, and needs to stop. Contempt is one of the four behaviours that will end a marriage. For those of you that need a refresh on the other three, they are criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (a.k.a. avoiding conflict).

Okay, onward to the Betrayal Number 8 – Selfishness. Alright, I have to admit, I have been called selfish by my husband. I am the first one to admit I can be selfish with my time. I struggle with the fact we only have 24 hours in a day, and I am on a mission to squeeze out an extra 15 min here and there. That is me.

How are you selfish? Where can you contribute more towards your relationship? To be completely honest, I normally see the opposite in my office. Clients who come to see me are not selfish enough and they are breaking down internally. They are not caring for themselves enough. So, that tells me the ‘selfish’ ones are not the ones that tend to need therapy! Funny how that works. Well, bottom line is, it is a balancing act. At one stage of the relationship, one partner might need to give more than another, then visa versa. We just need to be aware and pay attention to this balancing act. When you know your partner is doing more, showing fondness and admiration can do wonders to confirm long term commitment to one another. You become a ‘we’ rather than a ‘me’ in the relationship.

Next week we are talking about Unfairness and Breaking Promises, which will wrap up this series on Betrayals.

Till then, see you ‘on the couch’.

Guess what? Just because this is more common than not, it doesn’t mean it is something to ignore. Similar reasoning may occur when visiting your primary care provider with a complaint about X and you are told, ‘Well, you aren’t getting any younger; that symptom is common.’ I think we all feel similarly, if two individual sex drives are not matched, negative consequences are unescapable unless addressed.

Why does sexual interest dwindle in marriages? The most common reasons are inevitable physical changes due to aging (women struggling through menopause, physical illnesses affecting sex hormones, weight gain making one feel unattractive, etc.) Another common reason is what John Gottman, author of many excellent books on marriage, terms negative COMPs (or negative comparisons). Whether imaginary or not, the less invested partner begins to turn away with thoughts of, ‘Charlotte (my receptionist) would never treat me like this, or Sean (my colleague) always asks me how I am doing’ and thus, their love deposits into the ‘marriage account’ begin to dwindle and the couple soon find themselves in the ‘negatives’. Negative sentiment override ensues on the relationship. Partners begin to lose respect for one another.

However, despite the fact that about 15 percent of heterosexual couples over the age of 45 stop having sex, many couples state that this lack of interest in sex doesn’t take away from their strength as a couple. However, if one or both partners do not take heed of the warning signs, then rejection will overtake the marriage, and the road back to intimacy will be a long one.

To feel rejected in any aspect of life, whether that be sexual, emotional, or collegial is extremely wounding and will impact you in the form of trauma. Many small traumas over the course of lifetime are just as impactful as one large trauma. The ‘trust metric’ plummets quickly and one begins to view life in a non-secure manner.

The good news is this can be entirely sidestepped and repaired with open, truthful conversations to which emotions are shared in a respectful loving manner. Curiosity and compassion weaved within these conversations will make for a beautifully patterned security blanket.

Sexual unhappiness is real and should not go unaddressed. Just like every other betrayal listed in this series, if left to work out on its own it may become unrepairable.

If you are unable to book an appointment, but need help, remember the Ask Me Anything option on my website. No question is ever a dumb question. If you find yourself struggling in the game of love, chances are others are fumbling the ball as well.

Bottom line, rejection is traumatizing. To feel rejected emotionally is deeply painful and lives within our tissues.  If you feel this way even once, it is once too many. Open conversation is the best antidote for such a communication pathology. Having more uncomfortable conversations in your marriage will allow more green flags to appear, and before you know it, you will be in the fast lane towards a loving and healthy relationship.

I had clients call their spouses or parents ‘emotionally retarded’. They feel the person is incapable of showing empathy. As humans we are all wired to love. Therefore, change is possible for everyone. Becoming aware is the first step to change. The person who shows this type of ‘coldness’ has to do the work to make change happen. This is usually when a stick needs to be shoved in the spoke of the ‘the emotionally retarded wheel’. Otherwise, the wheels on the bus go round and round.

I will give you an example where one partner who needed empathy is met with coldness instead. Hopefully, you cannot relate. Let’s say Tina and Paul finally have a chance to do their trip of a lifetime. They always wanted to wander the streets of Prague and take in all its architectural wonder. The first day into the trip Tina twisted her ankle walking down a flight of steps at the hotel. It swelled up like a golf ball. She stayed off it that night and rested. The next day was the day they had booked a tour of the city. The tickets were non-refundable.

Tina woke up that morning and confessed to Paul she felt she could not risk it. It was much better, but an entire day of walking would not be, what the doctor ordered. Paul responded with, ‘Ahh … that’s too bad’ and continued getting ready to go on the tour. He didn’t once ask her how she felt about him going without her, or if she felt she would be fine on her own for an entire day. When she addressed his lack of engagement, his response was, ‘Well we paid for it, might as well use it’.

Paul has always been extremely practical. Yes, he was born in Winnipeg 😀. However, this is not what Tina expected. The lack of emotional connection pained her far beyond the pain that comes with a twisted ankle. It seemed so cold not to even have a conversation with her about how she would feel alone in a foreign city all day long. When she brought this difficult conversation up to him his response was, ‘I just assumed you would want me to go and have a good time. No sense in both of us sitting in the hotel room. Do you not want me to enjoy my time here?’. It just seemed so cold. And it was.

Sometimes when two people enter a relationship, one just presumes their partner will eventually ‘warm up’. This is quite often false. What is more common instead is the coldness turns to sub-below temperatures if ignored. Any behaviour, when left to repetition, will become automated.  When first dating, never should one presume a ‘red flag’ will eventually work itself out to a ‘solid green flag’. If your therapist has ever mentioned the importance of boundaries, this is exactly why.

Bottom line, rejection is traumatizing. To feel rejected emotionally is deeply painful and lives within our tissues.  If you feel this way even once, it is once too many. Open conversation is the best antidote for such a communication pathology. Having more uncomfortable conversations in your marriage will allow more green flags to appear, and before you know it, you will be in the fast lane towards a loving and healthy relationship.

 Today I wanted to share something about my services that I have not yet formally announced.

You may have heard me mention the term functional medicine to you from time to time. Let me briefly tell you what it is and why I decided to become certified as a functional medicine practitioner. If you go to the Institute of Functional Medicine website and look under Find a Practitioner and enter Manitoba Canada… you will find yours truly there, just me, all by myself 😢

It is a little lonely now, but I expect that might change over the years. I sure hope it does – because that would mean that more practitioners are getting interested in finding the root cause of their patients’ pain. Whether that pain is endometriosis, racing thoughts, depression, low libido, joint pain, chronic fatigue, or hypoglycemia. It doesn’t matter. What you describe to me in the room is your story and your symptoms. The diagnosis you come in with will not mean all that much to me. It is just a name your physician, psychiatrist, or WebMD gave to you. It describes your cluster of symptoms. That is all.

To make it extremely straight forward, let me offer you this analogy. If your indicator light goes off on the dashboard of your vehicle, would you be okay with being told by the mechanic ‘Oh, that is normal with this make of car’, or ‘it is normal when you reach this mileage’, or better yet, ‘if it flickers once or twice, it is still within normal range, so not to worry’, or ‘we ran all the tests, and it came back normal, it must be in your head’. Would you be satisfied with any of those answers? You would insist that they look under the ‘hood’.

In my new way of practicing, I look under the hood. I will ask you about past traumas, big and small. I will ask you for your recent lab work, I will ask you about your sleep, your menstrual cycle (if you have one 😃) and how you feel after you eat certain foods. That is just what I do. Finally, there is no ‘standard protocol to follow’ when I do treat you. Do you know why? Because, once again, you are that special little snowflake.

I may not be the right therapist for you – and that is fine. Different strokes for different folks, right? I am way too curious of a person to ignore all the other symptoms you have along with your anxiety, depression, addictions, and lack of focus. You were born inherently healthy and you deserve to live your life this way. And thus, I will be offering varying sessions on the booking site over the course of the next several weeks in order to serve you better. Changes will include type, length and fees for service.

Have a great weekend – and maybe we will see you ‘on the couch’.