Thinking Less and Feeling More

Thinking Less and Feeling More

Have you ever heard of the term ‘ what resists persists’?

If someone tells you that you cannot have something, that is all you want. If you are trying to think of a word, it will not enter your mind.

You cannot ‘will’ it away.

When one focuses too much on thought, and not enough on feelings, an imbalance of energy occurs. This is true for so many situations, but let’s focus on anxiety.

To live life from intellect only is something that men especially struggle with.

I had a call with a man today. He was a bit confused because he thought it was good to call his wife when he gets anxious so that she could listen and talk it through with him. I asked him why he felt the need to call her and speak about his anxiety with her. He said it was because he felt better after talking to her and he thought he was supposed to talk about his feelings. However, he also mentioned that she was beginning to resent this… and therefore called me.

There are a few problems with this.

  1. He is acting too much from feminine energy and
  2. This then causes her to ‘mother’ him which is masculine energy,
  3. He is relying on her to rid his anxiety.

My client has forgotten that he has a choice. He can choose what to focus his energy on and what he wants to feel in the moment. If his energy is anxious/low energy, it doesn’t help to distract from the feeling/energy and call his wife in order for her to ‘fix’ it. It is much better to not ‘resist’ the feeling. He needs to embody the feeling and perhaps breathe through the feeling. Pay attention to the feeling – do not ‘think’ it away. If the feeling is there, it is for a reason.

By processing the feeling, he will notice it move through him easier. Once processed, he will feel more empowered and able to focus his energy elsewhere. In other words, feel disappointment and sadness, and realize he has the option to feel and think different thoughts that will allow him to feel differently.

He is now empowered to take control of his life; to move energy through his body with focused attention to thought, processing feelings (feeling the energy move through him), which allows different thoughts to infiltrate and regain his focus and awareness towards what he wants the rest of his day to look like. This in turn balances each other’s masculine and feminine energy and subsequently, supports their relationship.

Most couples think it is about communication

Most couples think it is about communication

Most couples think it is about communication. ‘ I need you to talk to me’ or ‘ I need you to tell me you love me’. ‘I need you to text me to ask me how I am feeling or how my day is going.’

Do you understand what is wrong with those statements? The words ” I need” are what is wrong with those statements. You don’t need them to do anything. Instead, tell them how you feel.

Your relationship will improve when you start acting and communicating from a place of feeling, rather than a place of thinking.

What I am really saying is to get in touch with yourself first. Only when you speak about your feelings can your partner start understanding you. If you come from a place of need, you are

a) coming from a place of lack, so you will attract more lack

b) discrediting his needs because you are putting your needs in front of your partner

If you are not feeling good about your relationship, then communicate your feelings while honouring his/her needs. Become curious about why your partner is behaving in a manner that you are not in favour of. But before you do that, ask yourself why you are not okay with the behaviour.

I am sorry, but it is all about self-growth and getting curious about yourself before any repair in communication can happen. I say ‘sorry’ because most individuals rather hear that their partner needs to change, not them (also, I am CDN and therefore the word sorry is a part of my daily vernacular

If it was as simple as communication then two individuals could cohabitate as roommates or business partners and live happily ever after. This is why Hallmark can charge $10 for a card! We like to think it is all about communication, but communication comes second. Inner work comes first.

How you behave has everything to do with tapping into your feelings and holding space for the deep hurt while experiencing the incredible joys. How you feel and behave is a reflection of the 

balance between your masculine and feminine energy (yes, we all have both). You can choose to live from your wounds or choose to allow yourself to feel ALL of the emotions.

If you are curious to learn more about inner work in order to experience true connection, I am here to help.

Healing from Affairs

Healing from Affairs

I love John Gottman’s work on betrayals in general, but especially in relation to non-sexual betrayal, or what many of you might call emotional betrayal. He makes it super simple to distinguish between what is platonic and what is not.

There is no such thing as a conditional commitment when it comes to a romantic relationship. This is why it is beneficial to have a healthy dose of curiosity when it comes to female phone contacts on your husband’s or male contacts on your wife’s phone.

But as always, the dose makes the poison.

You cannot constantly be going through your partner’s phone as this is a sign of mistrust.

Remember this: Trust and commitment are the two supporting walls the Sound Relationship House.

We have all heard of the term ‘work wife’ or ‘work-husband’. However, similar relationships can be carved with gym mates, hired hands, baristas, and so on. They all have a common theme in terms of starting off innocently, but when the conversations start to move into shared personal stories or intimate conversations, this is when the red flags go up.

I love to teach by example, so let’s set the stage. Steven and Michelle are attending Steve’s work Christmas party. Michelle and Steve are having a conversation when suddenly, his attention goes towards the entrance. In walked an attractive woman who you later learn is Jocelyn, a colleague working alongside Steve on a current project. Not soon after, Steve introduces you to Jocelyn. In the conversations that ensued, you become surprised that Jocelyn seems to know a lot about your family. She knows about your son’s graduation gift, the babysitter’s name, your dog’s illness, and the name of the nursing home where your mom is newly residing. Then, without first asking, when Steve grabs drinks for both of you, he brings Jocelyn gin and tonic and apologizes that they were out of white wine. What? More awkwardness occurs throughout the night that makes it impossible for you to overlook their deep sense of connection. Call it women’s intuition or just plain ‘weirdness’.

On the way home, you straight-out confront Steve about the depth and level of personal information that has been exchanged. Steve minimalizes it and tells you that you are grossly overanalyzing things and you need to calm down. That, ‘this is exactly why I don’t talk to you about female colleagues because you go completely nuts’ and ‘get your head on straight’. He wants to change the subject, rather than discuss how this level of intimacy could have transpired. Rather than making Michelle feel safe and loved, he makes her feel like she ‘wants to cause a fight’.

This little vignette gives you a sense of a level of emotional exchanges that are too deep and bid for your attention.

So, what were the ‘red flags’ from this scene? When and if you sense dishonesty or betrayal from your partner, this is what to look for:

  1. Quick dismissive attitude towards you.
  2. You have never previously heard him mention her name once in his work conversations.
  3. Lack of curiosity as to why you might be feeling or thinking this way.
  4. Compassion towards you because he senses the hurt feelings and distance from him.
  5. Turning the conversation on YOU rather than on HIM.

 

Resentment

Resentment

I want to specifically speak about how resentment in relationships is not only tortuous towards your marriage but to yourself.

It is very common to have couples coming to see me after years of built-up resentment. Can you mend a relationship after years of resentment?

The answer is YES, but it will be that much more effortful. The better way to approach your grievances is as they occur, or as the Gottmans suggest, to have a ‘state of the union address’ once a week to air out the dirty laundry.

But just as we tend to self-flagellate ourselves unconsciously, we often do the same with our partners. It becomes a daily pattern of looking at their faults, rather than their assets.

When one constantly looks at all the reasons why their life sucks, your life sucks.

What we focus our attention on becomes our reality.

The sad thing about resentment and lack of forgiveness, as the quote states so well below, is that we are only harming ourselves, no other person. We must realize that our thoughts, energy, feelings, and emotions are staying at this low frequency. You can’t just shut that off, it is how you show up in every situation you walk into. It is YOU.

This is how YOU walk into the kitchen and approach your children. This is YOU driving to your gym class and cursing at the other drivers on the road. This is YOU spilling coffee on yourself and cursing at the barista for making the coffee too hot, or placing the lid on poorly.

YOU are pure misery and therefore all of your life is misery.

YOU have the choice to live your life differently, to decide you are not going to allow these feelings to be a part of you anymore, and do life differently.

Resentment is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Resentment is doing, thinking, and being the same person every single day and expecting your world to change around you.

Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Hmmm…I think a very smart man noted that once upon a time. Perhaps it is time to pay attention to what Malachy and Albert had to say.

Having Difficult Conversations are Necessary in a Relationship

Having Difficult Conversations are Necessary in a Relationship

Many of us feel the need to play it safe. We don’t want to ‘rock the boat’. The problem with this is that your relationship stays stagnant.

I would say that 80% of couples come to me stating they have difficulty communicating to one another.

Stepping into safety by not talking about how you feel about something they did or say is the most common way of playing it safe. Most people think these discussions will end in about conflict and think ” it is not worth the argument’.

But that is my point, it doesn’t have to be an argument!

Some common examples might be not expressing your disinterest in cooking, how your partner dresses, or their hygienic practices, the fact that they can never place their cup in the dishwasher, etc. This doesn’t need to be a big, sit down discussions, but simply a mention. You can say something like ” hey, it is not a big deal, but it would be great if you could….” and if your partner answers ” well, it is a big deal”. Then you could reply – okay, just thought I would like you know how I feel… I still love you anyway. There is a VERY high chance that after hearing your response, they may gradually start behaving differently.

This is how to navigate a relationship properly: 1) Access what are the deal breakers and practice having difficult conversations in order to reestablish your self-worth, 2) For the smaller disappointments – the non-deal breakers, just let them know that the little things you do for them are done not because you feel you need to do it, but because you want to do it, because…you love them.

When you practice honouring yourself in a relationship in a very kind and gentle manner, you grow and your relationship grows.

Saying nothing about how you feel about certain aspects or behaviours about your partner is likely a sign that there is a ” I should” behind your behaviours or thoughts. Those two words – I SHOULD – are always of sign of feeling misaligned in the sense that you are doing from a place of societal or parental views of what you SHOULD BE rather than what you simply ARE.

Knowing that you have the right to feel and express your feelings is the most important aspect of your self growth as well as in your relationships.

If your partner is not willing to grow with you – then this will need to be looked at more closely.

This is one of the topics I will cover in my upcoming Masterclass: Finding Peace and Hope in Your Current and Past Relationships. For more info on my Masterclass click here.