Before Tying The Knot – Full Disclosure

Before Tying the Knot!

Full disclosure…

I sat down to write content for this course and felt overwhelmed! Why? Because how can I even describe the importance of this decision? It could be THE MOST important decision of your life.

And who am I to be part of your decision?

I am confident AF about being the person to provide you with value because I have counselled couples for decades in my private practice. I have helped them through their worries, doubts and fears, and at the time I wrote this copy, I have been in a committed relationship for nearly 26 years.

NOTE…

I would not consider my relationship one of great ease. We have had our full share of ups and downs where we both wanted to run away (and did) but came back. I have reflected A LOT on what makes a relationship work and have dedicated my life to studying relationships. I have seen the celebrations and the deep sadness in relationships. I have guided partners on when to separate and when to stay.

I want to give you as much clarity and confidence as possible in choosing a partner because we want this partnership for life.

Nothing is more devastating than breaking up a family and, more importantly, a dream. I know you have a dream you are following as part of this decision. You are dreaming about the wedding celebration, the romantic getaways you will share, the family, the career advancements, the home, the milestones, and the conversations on the porch when you are old and gray. Your partner is by your side in the last moments of life.

Feeling the pressure?

That is why I am creating this course because I want you to feel LESS pressure by making the choice to take this course. It is PENNIES compared to the cost of a divorce, and let’s not even think of the mental and emotional fatigue you would endure when ending a marriage.

Your investment | $333.00 USD

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Luella has been instrumental in resolving years of miscommunication between my partner and I. Without her guidance and support our relationship would not have endured one of the most traumatic incidents any marriage can suffer: infidelity. Luella was patient, and caring in our meetings. She taught us communication and coping techniques, which helped each of us understand what had long been missing in our relationship. We practice these lessons daily, and in doing so we have been able to re-establish a foundation of love and trust. I know we will continue to seek her support and guidance in the future.

Happy Couple

Topics Covered

Why are we together anyway?
I use a questionnaire I created to review your standards and values and how this measures up to your partners’ standards and values—a review of the non-negotiables in a relationship.
What types of conversations must you have daily (connection, curiosity, and conflict)?
What does balance in a partnership mean to you?
How okay are you with conflict?
What does independence mean to?
What does intimacy mean to you?
What does commitment mean to you?
Finance!! Oh boy, let us talk about money honies…
Drop the expectations, period. Be crystal clear that your partner is not changing for you.

What I like so much about this group program is that you will likely make friends! Other folks that have the same worries, questions and concerns! Win-win…

We will have a Q&A as a final wrap-up to the course. You can make notes and gather your questions as the course progresses. Then, you will submit your questions for me to answer on the final call.

Number of modules? No clue, sorry. I will only tell you that I will teach on each of the ten topics listed until I feel I am complete and then move on to the next, with an additional Q&A at the end.

Fake relationships with others (including yourself)

Many of us feel fake when it comes to our relationships. Relationship with ourselves and our relationship with partners. On the outside, everything looks great…but on the inside, it is often not the same.

I was extremely reluctant to begin posting on social media, particularly Facebook.

This stems from two main reasons, I have seen how some people’s mental health has plummeted due to comparisonitis. Why does my life suck when yours is so great? Second, I keep my personal life under lock and key. I have always been a private, low-key person.

Let’s be honest, we only post our best photos, our best memories with our partner or friends, etc. etc. So therefore of course it is all fake!

But since posting on Facebook, I am seeing a lovely group of folks who have taken the time to read my posts, comment, and ‘like’. I have had marketing experts tell me ‘likes’ are fake as well. Okay, I get that as well, but can’t people just be friendly?

But that fact is, we are all waking around with a degree of fakeness aren’t we?

If you wear any makeup, aren’t you fake? If you choose a ‘sliming’ line of clothing, if you proclaim you eat clean but eating too much sugar during the holidays…aren’t you fake? If you yelled at your kid or partner in the last couple of days and then make a post about kindness, aren’t you fake?

I think the deeper problem is one of self-judgment and therefore I don’t have a problem with choosing to post about xyz while fully knowing that I am both a work of art and a work in progress. I am human. Thus, when I post, I am not going to apologize for choosing a filter so that I look prettier, or for a happy memory with a loved one, be it my partner, friend, or mom – even though we had a huge disagreement the night before.

To me, it all funnels down to You Be You. Genuine authentic you. No apologies you. If it makes you feel good to get all dulled up and then post at your happiest moment of the day, week or month, then do it. If you spend 20 min a day on social media because it makes you feel supported, it makes you laugh, or whatever, you are not a bad person for it.

What makes a difference is WHY you use social media not whether you use social media. Is it to celebrate yourself, and your family, maybe eating a nutritious meal? Or is it to distract yourself from your thoughts? Let’s hope not it is not the latter.

The bottom line, there is always a fine balance in life. If it distracts you from your other responsibilities as a partner, parent, or employee, then it is taking away from the purpose of being on social media. If you are celebrating any part of yourself, which includes feeding your mind with good content that provides a catalyst for self-reflection .. pat yourself on the back.

By the way, no one called me fake, that is not why I decided to post this. I posted it for myself, to honour my needs, and to process my thoughts about Facebook and social media in general.

My goal at the end is for you to see yourself as a woman who has personal power and knows how to use it. Check out my lastest Coaching Offers, Masterclasses and Communions here.

People Pleasers

Most women who come to see me for therapy and coaching have some level of people-pleasing tendency in them. Not a surprise for most of you to hear this, right?

Overdoing it overdoes it.

In other words, when you give too much, you become depleted. When you become depleted, you are not yourselves. Your mind, body, and soul become distant from the essence of who you are as a woman and what you were truly meant to be on this 3-D plane we call Earth.

At some point in your life, you tipped the scale into a more masculine energy – the energy of DOING. All women need to balance the energy of doing with the energy of RECEIVING. When all your time is used DOING things, there is no way your body can be replenished. Thus now you are constantly existing from a place of lack.

There is never enough energy and time for yourselves. Your idea of ‘me’ time is a 10 min shower, a HITT session at the gym, 30 min of scrolling through social media plopped down on the couch after a long day, or stuffing your face with Doritos and gulping a glass of wine.

Women, listen to me when I say – this is NOT “ME TIME”.

Me time is the energy of receiving which may mean allowing contemplative thought, prayer, silence, connection with a loved one, reading a book, sitting down and being present while eating a meal or drinking coffee, spending time in nature, or spending a lot more time in the water. Something that clears your mind, rests your body and replenishes your soul.

Why is it so hard to practice this? Probably because you have been conditioned to believe that you must DO in order to be worthy. That your loved ones only love you if you are doing something for them. You are run with guilt unless you are pleasing someone other than yourself.

And should we speak about how Christianity and religion are tied into this? Maybe in another post, as I don’t think you have the next two hours to continue reading this. Because you have SH**#^T to do!! Right? Someone needs you right now.

This Communion Group Experience is for the woman who:

Operates constantly from the frequency of guilt
Operates constantly from the frequency of lack
Operates constantly from the frequency of shame
Suffers from low self-worth
Feels disempowered
Unable to self-identity who she really is…
Honestly, just needs to have a good cry and feel heard

There is something very magical about a small group experience. It feels both safe and secure. A place to be seen. A place to be held. A place to be understood. A place to transform.

Pull up a chair and feel like you belong here. My goal at the end is for you to see yourself as a woman who has personal power and knows how to use it. Check out my lastest Coaching Offers, Masterclasses and Communions here.

Why Shifting to a Positive Mindset Often Isn’t Enough When In a Difficult Marriage

Positive thinking: something we are told we should be doing more. Don’t like the weather? You should be thinking positively, it could be much worse! Don’t like your husband right now? At least you have a husband! Let’s be honest, for the most part – these helpful tips do not work.

They don’t because you tend to the thought: yes, it could be worse, but only for a short moment, and then you default to your normal patterned ways of thinking which are: it is shitty weather and my husband is incapable of having a meaningful conversation.

Positive thinking plays on the mind, not the heart, so this is really the reason it is not as effective as we might like it to be.

Positive thinking is just that – thoughts. Thoughts can only make you feel better if the feeling behind the thought is better.

Wouldn’t my life as a therapist and coach be swell if it was just that easy? If someone comes in noting that they are incredibly sad, bored, lonely, and borderline depressed in their current relationship, and I respond, “But you have a nice house, and by the way, it is sunny today”. They pay me $$$ and leave feeling wonderful!!

Let’s be honest. It doesn’t work. What does work however is focusing on a better feeling thought. What do I mean by that? Well, it would be different for everyone, but it usually means focusing on what brings you joy. Thus, despite what is happening around us, we can focus on what has always brought us joy in the past. Maybe you were once an avid reader and life distracted you from it, or maybe you stopped playing music when kids came along because the house needed to be quiet, and you forgot how much music moved your energy.

Life changed when we got married and if you had children, it really changed. We forget who we are as a person. What lit us up when we were younger? Remember when you use to have those deep belly laughs? What made you laugh? Do you laugh with your partner? Why not? Has life taken these moments away from you? Guess what, you get to have them back.

When I focus on a better feeling thought (for me, this might be upcoming events that I look forward to, a special dish I want to prepare, a nature walk, or the simple fact that I have my health, full mobility, my morning coffee, or my bed…) it quickly brings me to gratitude. Gratitude radiates from the heart (not the mind) and that is why it works. But it would help if you went to the feeling first…not the thought. Look inside your heart, take a deep breath, and transport yourself to the sense of peacefulness that you get from doing the things that bring you joy.

Practice this and watch how your outlook on life and your relationship changes. You will see that you will naturally prefer these feelings/thoughts over all the reasons why your partner is not the right person for you. Has this helped you? Let me know.

Reflecting Back on Your Relationship

You will note stages, but I am not talking about 1. we got married, 2. bought a house, 3. had kids…that is all sequential and doesn’t require memory, recall, or feelings.

I mean something much more meaningful:
1. The first time you felt hurt deeply by your partner and felt extremely alone.
2. In your hurt, you had the courage to start speaking to your partner, friends, or family about it.
3. The ‘questioning’ of your relationship has become a frequent thought in your mind.
4. The energy in this thought has become bigger and stronger in you, while the energy you feel for your relationship drops extremely low. 5. Despite constant discussions, the problems become perpetual and you stop investing in the relationship.
6. You begin to live your own life but your energy for life drops to an all-time low.
7. You realize you cannot live like this anymore (mediocre/routine/sad/disappointed/alone) and seek couple counselling.
8. It helps short-term and then dissipates.
9. Now feeling even more helpless and disempowered you invest in private coaching for yourself.
10. Through self-actualization, you are now able to feel your feelings again and feel more empowered to change, and you realize it starts with you…

What happens after that? The story does not yet have an ending, and that is okay.

You will continue to write your story until the ending becomes extremely clear and your decision of ‘should I stay or should I go’ is determined and you are at peace with your question.

I help women at all stages of their relationships, even if this story tale does not have a happy ending, and it is determined that space apart is what is necessary, then THAT ends happily ever after. Happiness is indeed possible. If the separation turns into permanency and you find yourself going through a divorce, you need not be afraid.

Fear of disappointment and sadness is what keeps so many of us stuck in our relationships. Fear of disappointing their partners, their children, and their parents. But how about you? Don’t you mean anything? Are you not worthy of happiness? Do you think that God, the Universe, or Nature skipped you when It was dishing out self-worth at the time of your making?

Until you realize that YOU are the one that matters, the ONE that requires ‘big’ energy in order to attract all things good into your world, nothing will change.

You will get to the end of life, look back, and have little memories of anything; because you were not present for it. You were hiding in a mediocre life, staying safe, and telling yourself you are happy when you are not, telling yourself you are doing the right thing when really you are just scared of making a decision that you are worthy of more.

Make today the day to decide I am showing up. Let me know your thoughts here.