You Can’t Talk Your Spouse out of an Addiction

You Can’t Talk Your Spouse out of an Addiction

If your partner is struggling with drug abuse, normally just talking to him or her isn’t enough. I see it over and over that partners seem to live on ‘hope’ for so long before finally being able to draw a line in the sand. Normally separation unfolds. Whether or not divorce follows afterwards is your partner’s ability to ‘do the work’.

I had a man who came to me with incredible anxiety and a history of 45 years of alcoholism. He was divorced for many years but still had a good relationship with his ex.

Over the first couple of sessions, he weaned himself off of medication including cannabis. After about 6 sessions and building a deeper rapport with him, I told him that there was very little I could do regarding his anxiety, shame or guilt UNTIL he stopped drinking for good. I asked him to please go to rehab as most cannot do it on their own…he said he could not… and replied ‘I got to do it on my own if I am going to do this’ to which I replied ‘ okay you have a week to get sober and if you can’t say no to alcohol, then there is no point continuing on with me’.

It felt cold for me to say it…but necessary.

He did it. He came back one week later and told me he quit that day.

We have had a few sessions since but yesterday was so incredibly moving for both him and I. He was 35 days sober and I just had to ask him: ‘What was the exact catalyst for you to move past that fear of what was on the other side of your addiction?’

His answer: “When you told me I couldn’t come back.”

{Mic drop}

Well, we were both bawling.

Let me be clear. This is not about me (as a therapist/coach). This is all about the drive for connection. And the connection starts with you. Am I worthy of having that connection with another person?

If you are struggling with an addiction and you still have some sense or desire of what it feels like to connect deeply with another human, then you have hope. For those whose addictions do not allow their minds to have enough moments of clarity and contemplative thought within that cycle of addiction, then there may not be hope. And – there is no one to blame in this cycle – it just is.

I spoke to him at the exact right time when his desire, his hunger, and his need for connection for himself as well as for me, was enough to overcome his addiction. His inner work now continues.

He is not loving by what he sees in deep reflection as he struggles with guilt and shame in the process, but his yearning for connection now manifests from his new frame of reference – when his mind is clear.

As author MaryAnn DiMarco described it beautifully, “We learn to separate genuine humility, a divine value, from the search for approval, and ego-based addiction.”

Join me in my upcoming Masterclass: Finding Peace and Hope in Your Current and Past Relationships. For more info on my Masterclass click here.

Having Difficult Conversations are Necessary in a Relationship

Having Difficult Conversations are Necessary in a Relationship

Many of us feel the need to play it safe. We don’t want to ‘rock the boat’. The problem with this is that your relationship stays stagnant.

I would say that 80% of couples come to me stating they have difficulty communicating to one another.

Stepping into safety by not talking about how you feel about something they did or say is the most common way of playing it safe. Most people think these discussions will end in about conflict and think ” it is not worth the argument’.

But that is my point, it doesn’t have to be an argument!

Some common examples might be not expressing your disinterest in cooking, how your partner dresses, or their hygienic practices, the fact that they can never place their cup in the dishwasher, etc. This doesn’t need to be a big, sit down discussions, but simply a mention. You can say something like ” hey, it is not a big deal, but it would be great if you could….” and if your partner answers ” well, it is a big deal”. Then you could reply – okay, just thought I would like you know how I feel… I still love you anyway. There is a VERY high chance that after hearing your response, they may gradually start behaving differently.

This is how to navigate a relationship properly: 1) Access what are the deal breakers and practice having difficult conversations in order to reestablish your self-worth, 2) For the smaller disappointments – the non-deal breakers, just let them know that the little things you do for them are done not because you feel you need to do it, but because you want to do it, because…you love them.

When you practice honouring yourself in a relationship in a very kind and gentle manner, you grow and your relationship grows.

Saying nothing about how you feel about certain aspects or behaviours about your partner is likely a sign that there is a ” I should” behind your behaviours or thoughts. Those two words – I SHOULD – are always of sign of feeling misaligned in the sense that you are doing from a place of societal or parental views of what you SHOULD BE rather than what you simply ARE.

Knowing that you have the right to feel and express your feelings is the most important aspect of your self growth as well as in your relationships.

If your partner is not willing to grow with you – then this will need to be looked at more closely.

This is one of the topics I will cover in my upcoming Masterclass: Finding Peace and Hope in Your Current and Past Relationships. For more info on my Masterclass click here.

How to Attract a Partner Who Wants What You Want

How to Attract a Partner Who Wants What You Want

At some time in our lives, we have gone through the process of trying to figure out why this person broke up with us. We go through the last few interactions with this person (if it was a new relationship), and question if it was something you said, or didn’t say, did or didn’t do… there must be a reason, but what is it?

And, so the dialogue with yourself begins:

What is wrong with me? Why do I always attract the person that inevitably doesn’t want to be with me? All I want is a companion that I can laugh, play and do life with. Why NOT me?

 If this sounds like you, you are not alone. Searching for that perfect person may seem like an endless journey. However, I need to remind you that the length of the journey doesn’t matter in retrospect, it is the pot of gold at the end that will make you realize it was worth it since the journey is all about growth and learning. The fact that ‘the one’ has not yet appeared simply means you are still evolving to the point that your energy will best align with the partner that completes you as a person. The evolution will continue past the point of connection; however, you will now do it together. So, you can relax simply in the knowing that it will become your reality.

Many women lose patience in the journey. They give up because they are tired and fed up. Fed up searching online dating sites, fed up being matched, fed up with getting excited about a person they seem to really like and connect with, only to be rejected once again. They spiral down into self-doubt, self-judgement, and hopelessness. This is where the problems sit. The reinstatement of all the low-energy thoughts keeps them stuck. They have stepped out of the present and into themselves and their ego, along with the ‘should-ofs’ that cycle through their heads like a whirlwind.

 Recently, I had a woman in her 40s describing the exact scenario. She was extremely down and discouraged because of a one-month relationship ending. She realized it was too short to become extremely attached, but she said it had been one year since she felt any attraction to any man, so it was exciting for her. He ended it quite suddenly and his reason was that he wasn’t ready for marriage. She felt this was ridiculous because she never once said that was in her vision and told him that it would be fine to just be with each other as companions. He again said no.

I explained to her that she didn’t have to articulate the words ‘ I want to settle down’ because she emulated her energy spoke the words for her and he astutely picked up on it. She asked me how she could rid this low energy once and for all. We began with step 1 of my program. I helped her to choose the new words she would tell herself to replace the old words of self-deprecation. In step 2 we established the micro-goals or opportunities she would have on any given day to establish a new way of self-talk that aligned with the confident woman she longed to rebirth. In step 3, we continue to build this habit of thought until the habit built her (up).

In other words, when she relaxed and practised self-awareness, it was much easier to catch her thoughts and fill herself with self-love and self-honour. The happiness was felt consistently, despite being alone. It is only at this time that she was now ready to attract a man who wants to settle down with a lifelong companion.

If you resonate with the story that you are not worthy enough of a lifelong partner that adores and honours you, feel free to reach out to me. It turns out it is not that difficult to attain, once you understand the science of love.

Being Judgemental of Yourself and Others

Being Judgemental of Yourself and Others

Do you sometimes catch yourself saying words like ‘ I don’t get why he is so ….’ Or ‘ if he could only be …’. If you do, stop yourself right there and ask yourself these questions instead:

  • What could I have said instead to not have made our discussion go south?
  • What was it about my body language that might have made him so angry?
  • Did I really need to comment on that past event, or could I have focused on our plan for the future?
  • What triggered me about his comments, and could I have managed my emotions better once triggered?
  • Should I have left the conversation earlier rather than win the conversation?
  • Yield to win, rather than need to win.
  • Why did I need to point out that flaw of his that I know bothers him?

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point; I have control of my thoughts, my emotions, and my feelings always. I am the regulator of my emotions, not some other external cause. It is okay for you to be sad, angry, or upset at the moment, but we don’t need to carry that emotion on our backs throughout the day. Feel it but don’t be it. Let that energy move through you and release.
When we judge ourselves, we tend to judge others. The journey towards perfectionism is a long and lonely one and takes you away from becoming the best version of yourself and also the best partner in your relationship. Being able to see your own flaws just as much as you see the flaws in your partner is one of the key aspects of building a solid relationship.

I think we can all remember a time that we stepped away from an argument with our partner feeling hopeless and helpless because we desired so desperately for him to tell us “Yes, you are right and thank you for showing me the light towards becoming more like you”. As I write this I am almost laughing – but it is so true! I can honestly say that 90% of the couples that come to me have this idea that I will ‘fix’ their partner. I likely will be able to make them more aware of how best to communicate, but until they fix themselves through self-reflection and self-regulation of their own emotions, the chances of me curing their relationship of all woes are very unlikely.

So, the next time you become upset and have an argument with your partner, think of this post and start asking yourself the questions above. You will not only elevate yourself in terms of empowerment by realizing that your joy does not rely on your partner to make you happy, but most of all, you have a greater sense of awareness and thus, a more extraordinary ability to achieve happiness in the moment. We do this in pillar 1 of my method where we begin to question our patterns of thoughts, feelings and emotions in real-time. You might even be excited to begin a future discussion since you have learned from your past mistakes, and will now implement changes in the future.

As always, I welcome any comments, thoughts, or desires to connect with me. Feel free to get in touch with me if you desire to control your own happiness.

Discovering the root cause of a physical or mental dis-ease is always the first step.

Discovering the root cause of a physical or mental dis-ease is always the first step.

From there on we look forward, we don’t stay fixed on the past.  For example, in the applied science of engineering, we use knowledge to design, analyze, and construct for practical purposes. When the titanic sank to the bottom of the sea, the engineers didn’t sit around and discuss for years why it went down, but instead they engineered a new ship that would minimize this occurring again in history.

In regards to emotional health, it’s very important to be aware of the root cause, but not to stay stuck in a belief system that is limiting you from attaining your goals.

Engineer your mind to construct the future you desire. It is a worthwhile task.