Having Difficult Conversations are Necessary in a Relationship

Having Difficult Conversations are Necessary in a Relationship

Many of us feel the need to play it safe. We don’t want to ‘rock the boat’. The problem with this is that your relationship stays stagnant.

I would say that 80% of couples come to me stating they have difficulty communicating to one another.

Stepping into safety by not talking about how you feel about something they did or say is the most common way of playing it safe. Most people think these discussions will end in about conflict and think ” it is not worth the argument’.

But that is my point, it doesn’t have to be an argument!

Some common examples might be not expressing your disinterest in cooking, how your partner dresses, or their hygienic practices, the fact that they can never place their cup in the dishwasher, etc. This doesn’t need to be a big, sit down discussions, but simply a mention. You can say something like ” hey, it is not a big deal, but it would be great if you could….” and if your partner answers ” well, it is a big deal”. Then you could reply – okay, just thought I would like you know how I feel… I still love you anyway. There is a VERY high chance that after hearing your response, they may gradually start behaving differently.

This is how to navigate a relationship properly: 1) Access what are the deal breakers and practice having difficult conversations in order to reestablish your self-worth, 2) For the smaller disappointments – the non-deal breakers, just let them know that the little things you do for them are done not because you feel you need to do it, but because you want to do it, because…you love them.

When you practice honouring yourself in a relationship in a very kind and gentle manner, you grow and your relationship grows.

Saying nothing about how you feel about certain aspects or behaviours about your partner is likely a sign that there is a ” I should” behind your behaviours or thoughts. Those two words – I SHOULD – are always of sign of feeling misaligned in the sense that you are doing from a place of societal or parental views of what you SHOULD BE rather than what you simply ARE.

Knowing that you have the right to feel and express your feelings is the most important aspect of your self growth as well as in your relationships.

If your partner is not willing to grow with you – then this will need to be looked at more closely.

This is one of the topics I will cover in my upcoming Masterclass: Finding Peace and Hope in Your Current and Past Relationships. For more info on my Masterclass click here.

How to Attract a Partner Who Wants What You Want

How to Attract a Partner Who Wants What You Want

At some time in our lives, we have gone through the process of trying to figure out why this person broke up with us. We go through the last few interactions with this person (if it was a new relationship), and question if it was something you said, or didn’t say, did or didn’t do… there must be a reason, but what is it?

And, so the dialogue with yourself begins:

What is wrong with me? Why do I always attract the person that inevitably doesn’t want to be with me? All I want is a companion that I can laugh, play and do life with. Why NOT me?

 If this sounds like you, you are not alone. Searching for that perfect person may seem like an endless journey. However, I need to remind you that the length of the journey doesn’t matter in retrospect, it is the pot of gold at the end that will make you realize it was worth it since the journey is all about growth and learning. The fact that ‘the one’ has not yet appeared simply means you are still evolving to the point that your energy will best align with the partner that completes you as a person. The evolution will continue past the point of connection; however, you will now do it together. So, you can relax simply in the knowing that it will become your reality.

Many women lose patience in the journey. They give up because they are tired and fed up. Fed up searching online dating sites, fed up being matched, fed up with getting excited about a person they seem to really like and connect with, only to be rejected once again. They spiral down into self-doubt, self-judgement, and hopelessness. This is where the problems sit. The reinstatement of all the low-energy thoughts keeps them stuck. They have stepped out of the present and into themselves and their ego, along with the ‘should-ofs’ that cycle through their heads like a whirlwind.

 Recently, I had a woman in her 40s describing the exact scenario. She was extremely down and discouraged because of a one-month relationship ending. She realized it was too short to become extremely attached, but she said it had been one year since she felt any attraction to any man, so it was exciting for her. He ended it quite suddenly and his reason was that he wasn’t ready for marriage. She felt this was ridiculous because she never once said that was in her vision and told him that it would be fine to just be with each other as companions. He again said no.

I explained to her that she didn’t have to articulate the words ‘ I want to settle down’ because she emulated her energy spoke the words for her and he astutely picked up on it. She asked me how she could rid this low energy once and for all. We began with step 1 of my program. I helped her to choose the new words she would tell herself to replace the old words of self-deprecation. In step 2 we established the micro-goals or opportunities she would have on any given day to establish a new way of self-talk that aligned with the confident woman she longed to rebirth. In step 3, we continue to build this habit of thought until the habit built her (up).

In other words, when she relaxed and practised self-awareness, it was much easier to catch her thoughts and fill herself with self-love and self-honour. The happiness was felt consistently, despite being alone. It is only at this time that she was now ready to attract a man who wants to settle down with a lifelong companion.

If you resonate with the story that you are not worthy enough of a lifelong partner that adores and honours you, feel free to reach out to me. It turns out it is not that difficult to attain, once you understand the science of love.

Being Judgemental of Yourself and Others

Being Judgemental of Yourself and Others

Do you sometimes catch yourself saying words like ‘ I don’t get why he is so ….’ Or ‘ if he could only be …’. If you do, stop yourself right there and ask yourself these questions instead:

  • What could I have said instead to not have made our discussion go south?
  • What was it about my body language that might have made him so angry?
  • Did I really need to comment on that past event, or could I have focused on our plan for the future?
  • What triggered me about his comments, and could I have managed my emotions better once triggered?
  • Should I have left the conversation earlier rather than win the conversation?
  • Yield to win, rather than need to win.
  • Why did I need to point out that flaw of his that I know bothers him?

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point; I have control of my thoughts, my emotions, and my feelings always. I am the regulator of my emotions, not some other external cause. It is okay for you to be sad, angry, or upset at the moment, but we don’t need to carry that emotion on our backs throughout the day. Feel it but don’t be it. Let that energy move through you and release.
When we judge ourselves, we tend to judge others. The journey towards perfectionism is a long and lonely one and takes you away from becoming the best version of yourself and also the best partner in your relationship. Being able to see your own flaws just as much as you see the flaws in your partner is one of the key aspects of building a solid relationship.

I think we can all remember a time that we stepped away from an argument with our partner feeling hopeless and helpless because we desired so desperately for him to tell us “Yes, you are right and thank you for showing me the light towards becoming more like you”. As I write this I am almost laughing – but it is so true! I can honestly say that 90% of the couples that come to me have this idea that I will ‘fix’ their partner. I likely will be able to make them more aware of how best to communicate, but until they fix themselves through self-reflection and self-regulation of their own emotions, the chances of me curing their relationship of all woes are very unlikely.

So, the next time you become upset and have an argument with your partner, think of this post and start asking yourself the questions above. You will not only elevate yourself in terms of empowerment by realizing that your joy does not rely on your partner to make you happy, but most of all, you have a greater sense of awareness and thus, a more extraordinary ability to achieve happiness in the moment. We do this in pillar 1 of my method where we begin to question our patterns of thoughts, feelings and emotions in real-time. You might even be excited to begin a future discussion since you have learned from your past mistakes, and will now implement changes in the future.

As always, I welcome any comments, thoughts, or desires to connect with me. Feel free to get in touch with me if you desire to control your own happiness.

Discovering the root cause of a physical or mental dis-ease is always the first step.

Discovering the root cause of a physical or mental dis-ease is always the first step.

From there on we look forward, we don’t stay fixed on the past.  For example, in the applied science of engineering, we use knowledge to design, analyze, and construct for practical purposes. When the titanic sank to the bottom of the sea, the engineers didn’t sit around and discuss for years why it went down, but instead they engineered a new ship that would minimize this occurring again in history.

In regards to emotional health, it’s very important to be aware of the root cause, but not to stay stuck in a belief system that is limiting you from attaining your goals.

Engineer your mind to construct the future you desire. It is a worthwhile task.

How Competitiveness Sucks Joy From Relationships

How Competitiveness Sucks Joy From Relationships

When we think about the word competitive or describe someone as competitive in nature, I doubt that the first thing you think of is how this can be a red flag in regards to relationships. However, it is quite common for me to have couples coming to see me with complaints about their partner ruining what they hoped would be a relaxed and joyous time together because of their competitive nature.

I see competitiveness simply as a branch of a bigger issue of perfectionism. The competitive person has a strong underlying fear of being wrong or making a mistake.

Not all competitive individuals are perfectionists. I am speaking of the extreme cases in which they devalue themselves as a person based on their score, placement, rank, likes, etc.

These individuals fall under Type 1 on the Enneagram. Often they thrive in their careers but fail in their relationships. As with most of my couples, the problem lies within the individual themselves. In other words, it doesn’t need to be a couples’ session. When someone is a perfectionist they are improvement-oriented, critical, and self-judging of themselves but unfortunately, of others as well.

The most recent example I can think of was that of a man complaining that his wife is not spending enough time with him. He spoke of how he wanted to have more shared experiences with her. When we began discussing what this might look like to him, he described golfing with his wife. However, upon further explanation, it was not golfing for the purpose of walking, talking, and connecting while practising their game, it was about improving their score. When she didn’t accept his seriousness and critical comments about her effort, skill, etc. he criticized her for ruining his time on the course. Another example was when they were playing a board game with friends. His serious competitive nature took over the game and took away any lightheartedness of the moment. His incessant need to win made the evening uncomfortable for everyone.

I asked him to practise the art of active listening. I insisted that he get curious with his wife in terms of what connection looks like to her. I also suggested that when planning time together, they choose experiences where there is nothing to compete with, it is simply just being with one another. I worked with him to understand where the fear of failure first came about, but most importantly, why is he holding on to this fear? How is fear serving him in his relationships? How does his level of competitiveness and perfectionism affect his children, colleagues, and neighbours? As his wife and I worked closely together, we practised the art of staying aligned to her core values and not acting submissively to his demands. She realized that she needed to challenge her own unhealthy thought patterns to not be distraught when her partner becomes insensitive and critical toward her needs and desires.

If you can relate to the above scenarios in any way, understand this is a real problem, and it shouldn’t be approached lightly. Without the correct course of action, the situation will not resolve on its own.