Is Your Partner Willing to Do The Work?

Is Your Partner Willing to Do The Work?

Recently a man reached out to me primarily to better his relationship with his son. He separated from his spouse a couple of years ago when his son was 13. He and his ex have a good ‘texting’ relationship and are co-parenting quite well.

When I asked him further about his interactions with his son, he described very little talking, despite the open-ended questions the father was asking his son. He received only one-word answers. He presumes his son is angry about leaving his mom and perhaps spending the time between the two houses.

I still wasn’t convinced that the father was seeing the whole picture. He was presuming his son was angry at him when maybe his son was just sad and still processing the hurt he felt.

We don’t know what we don’t know, but if we let judgment and shame take over us, our thoughts can send us into a tailspin. Suppression of his feelings could lead to defensiveness and stonewalling.

My work with this man is for him to process his feelings about the separation and his new life with partial custody of his kids. What if his inability to process and express his own emotions is what led to the communication shutdown between him and his son? If the dad modelled suppressing his feelings, the son is likely to do the same.

It is never too late to turn it around however only if you are willing to do the work. What does this look like?

It is not the ‘processing of trauma’ (and yes, we all have trauma), but instead – how we manage our behaviours that stem from the trauma.

The trauma doesn’t go away.

But with the right techniques interwoven into our everyday lives, we start communicating from our hearts instead of our heads. We get to be us, unapologetically.

And guess what? People love us more because of it.

We get to have both.

So this man reaching out to a therapist was his first act of self-care, self-love and a statement of how much his son means to him. How he is not willing to compromise that relationship by blaming it on ‘teenagers’. When he asked his ex about how he behaves at her house, she replied ‘the same’. Well, to him, ‘the same’ is not good enough! He made phone calls to arrange therapy for the boy as well.

Bottom line, if he chooses to work with me I will take him through the three pillars:

1) Self-Care;

2) An Individualized personal approach of how he could incorporate his idea of self-care and reflection might look like a.k.a what tools work best for him;

3) Continued practice and testing what it might feel and look like as he navigates life’s challenges coming from a place of love and being accountable towards himself with this new self-love and expression of feelings. And in this case man-to-man. How beautiful would that be?

Free to be Me: A Path to Self-Acceptance

Do you know that the feeling of unworthiness is the number one reason for people’s stress, anxiety, and turmoils? After practising psychotherapy for years, I know this to be 100% true. 

Everything from relationship break-ups to financial instability, to deep depression and adult ADHD relates in some way with this sense of unworthiness. 

When I trained as a clinical hypnotherapist and started to practise under Marisa Peer, I realized how true this actually is. When I went to the root cause of people’s hurt or problems, …

Unable to sleep, stop smoking, focus, chronic health concerns, etc., it always trickled down to self-worth. Let me give you some examples:

An estranged mother and daughter relationship. The mother is trying to reconnect to the daughter, who seemingly wants nothing to do with her. The mother is constantly reaching out or sending some form of financial support, and the daughter either takes advantage of her lack of boundaries or disassociates from her completely. The mother becomes depressed and miserable. 

What is happening here is that the mom feels an incredible amount of guilt and shame in the sense that she feels unworthy because of her daughter’s resistance to building the relationship. Why? We don’t know. However, she doesn’t need to know. 

But as humans, we don’t like uncertainty, so we need to know. This is the absolute truth. This is ‘fortunately’ or, unfortunately, the brain’s machinery. Our brain loves logic and certainty. It is our emotions that ‘f-ups’ the circuitry. 


Because with so many situations in our life, we want…but we ‘can’t. We desire…but we can’t. 

But what we don’t know is that…

We can’t because we are programmed to believe we can’t. Why? Mainly because our parents wanted to keep us safe. 

It all comes down to belief. You become what you believe. Your beliefs act as the neurocircuitry. Your beliefs is how the machine is manufactured. 

You know this is true. 


Why do some people seem to have ‘all the luck’? Why, for some people, wealth comes easy. Communication comes easy. Life just seems ‘easy’!!!

Life seems easy because they are choosing to believe it is easy. However, most people think this way because they were programmed to think this way. 

Only the brave are the ones that were NOT programmed to think this way but instead CHOSE to think this way. 

You need a lot of courage to change your beliefs. However, it is the key to happiness. 

Your investment | $666.00 USD

Thanks to Luella it has become abundantly clear how negative thought patterns can be so detrimental to ones health. With her gentle and empowering guidance I finally feel better, feel mentally and emotionally stronger and more in-tune with my body and my sense of self. I can finally begin to see the authentic me rising from the ashes of constant self-destruction, that no longer defines me. All aspects and dimensions of my health have improved thanks to her wonderful techniques to help me begin my journey to healing. She’s so personable and approachable, very professional and great follow up, I would highly recommend her to anyone in need of someone to talk to or just listen. Thank you for everything.

Female, 29 yrs

What’s included

Module 1: Listening in silence – what do you hear?
Do you always feel out of place? Like you should act differently than how you normally act?

Module 2: Replacing Thinking with Contemplation.
Thinking is what ‘busy’ minds do. We are going to go from thinking to reflection, awareness, and intentional thoughts.

Module 3: Who am I now?
Good question. Can’t wait to find out.

Module 4: Calling in Spirit, you Source energy.
If you are not spiritual in the traditional sense, don’t worry. This is where we tap into your soul, and I know you have one!

Module 5: Incorporating the silence between the trigger and the response.
Just because you are more aware doesn’t mean it is easy to not react when triggered, I will teach you how to practice this skill.

Module 6: Embodying the heart-led way of living and what this looks like unique to you.
Simple practices/changes you can make today that will gradually bring your towards a more fullfilled life.

Before Tying The Knot – Full Disclosure

Before Tying the Knot!

Full disclosure…

I sat down to write content for this course and felt overwhelmed! Why? Because how can I even describe the importance of this decision? It could be THE MOST important decision of your life. 

And who am I to be part of your decision?

I am confident AF about being the person to provide you with value because I have counselled couples for decades in my private practice. I have helped them through their worries, doubts and fears, and at the time I wrote this copy, I have been in a committed relationship for nearly 26 years. 


I would not consider my relationship one of great ease. We have had our full share of ups and downs where we both wanted to run away (and did) but came back. I have reflected A LOT on what makes a relationship work and have dedicated my life to studying relationships. I have seen the celebrations and the deep sadness in relationships. I have guided partners on when to separate and when to stay. 

I want to give you as much clarity and confidence as possible in choosing a partner because we want this partnership for life. 

Nothing is more devastating than breaking up a family and, more importantly, a dream. I know you have a dream you are following as part of this decision. You are dreaming about the wedding celebration, the romantic getaways you will share, the family, the career advancements, the home, the milestones, and the conversations on the porch when you are old and gray. Your partner is by your side in the last moments of life. 

Feeling the pressure?

That is why I am creating this course because I want you to feel LESS pressure by making the choice to take this course. It is PENNIES compared to the cost of a divorce, and let’s not even think of the mental and emotional fatigue you would endure when ending a marriage.

Your investment | $555 USD

Topics Covered

  1. Why are we together anyway?
  2. I use a questionnaire I created to review your standards and values and how this measures up to your partners’ standards and values—a review of the non-negotiables in a relationship.
  3. What types of conversations must you have daily (connection, curiosity, and conflict)?
  4. What does balance in a partnership mean to you?
  5. How okay are you with conflict?
  6. What does independence mean to?
  7. What does intimacy mean to you?
  8. What does commitment mean to you?
  9. Finance!! Oh boy, let us talk about money honies…
  10. Drop the expectations, period. Be crystal clear that your partner is not changing for you.

What I like so much about this group program is that you will likely make friends! Other folks that have the same worries, questions and concerns! Win-win…

We will have a Q&A as a final wrap-up to the course. You can make notes and gather your questions as the course progresses. Then, you will submit your questions for me to answer on the final call.

Number of modules? No clue, sorry. I will only tell you that I will teach on each of the ten topics listed until I feel I am complete and then move on to the next, with an additional Q&A at the end.

Luella has been instrumental in resolving years of miscommunication between my partner and I. Without her guidance and support our relationship would not have endured one of the most traumatic incidents any marriage can suffer: infidelity. Luella was patient, and caring in our meetings. She taught us communication and coping techniques, which helped each of us understand what had long been missing in our relationship. We practice these lessons daily, and in doing so we have been able to re-establish a foundation of love and trust. I know we will continue to seek her support and guidance in the future.

Happy Couple

Trauma is in Your Tissues

Trauma is in Your Tissues

This post is for those who feel they need to go to therapy forever because of the trauma they have experienced.

The good news is that you no longer need your therapist on redial. The bad news is that your trauma lives within your tissues.

I had a client call this week that made this an indisputable point. Here is the shortened version of her story.

She separated from an emotionally abused marriage many years ago. She was thriving. Incredibly independent and dedicated to both her son and her career. She also was excellent at balancing the two main demands of her life.

She was not a health ‘freak’ by any means but still remained in good health. Good genes (we joked). But a few months ago, she came down with a viral infection in her lungs and took her out for a few days. However, with rest, it didn’t take long to get back on track.

Here is the plot twist. Close to the same time that she was ill, she was also playing around a bit with online dating – it took her some time to get the courage. Well, the guy she thought was quite awesome was a jerk and ghosted her. Sad state of affairs that such cowards continue to exist these days…

Now this is when it gets interesting. From out of nowhere (or so it seemed) she started getting panic attacks, to the point where she felt she would faint on the way to work and turned around and headed to urgent care. Docs checked her out extensively, and she is 100% healthy. One of the docs did say this to her; however, he sees this quite commonly in women between the ages of 30-40 post-infection (viral/bacterial).

What my message is to you – just like your DNA, your environment will ignite your trauma. You will continue to be triggered by your trauma.

In functional medicine, we always say, ‘Your genes hold the gun, and the environment pulls the trigger’.

My guidance was teaching her how to regain control of her mind. I suggested ways to reprogram her mind to work for her, not against her. I sent her home with multiple exercises that focused on mind work and belief systems, creating a DAILY PRACTICE to change her belief systems, which ultimately resulted in being able to NOTICE the THOUGHTS stemming from the subconscious/trauma/tissues (SELF-AWARENESS), then consciously DECIDING that these fears are NOT AN OPTION because the truth is…

She is safe.

In summary, her weakened immune system and an environmental trigger (being ghosted by a coward) were enough to ‘pull the trigger’ and awaken the trauma stored in her tissues. However, with proper daily self-care and facing her fears of unsafety, she is changing her belief system one day at a time and therefore changing her life.

To learn more about how to Believe, Decide, Visualize, and Create/Manifest your reality, I have a great program starting soon called I Decide: Feeling the Freedom after the Decision. Dm me for details!

Self-Led and Sexy

Self-Led and Sexy

  • 6-week Program
  • Hot-seat coaching

Say YES to this!

This group focuses on leading yourself through difficult conversations and checking in with your altered sense of reality.

Avoiding difficult conversations is the principal reason why most relationships fail. 

These types of conversations allow you to respect yourself and respect the other person. I incorporate the 20 years of being a Gottman therapist and the newest self-awareness practices to make this the best relationship advice you will ever experience. 

All gender types are welcome. 

Your investment | $777.00 USD