Thinking Less and Feeling More

Thinking Less and Feeling More

Have you ever heard of the term ‘ what resists persists’?

If someone tells you that you cannot have something, that is all you want. If you are trying to think of a word, it will not enter your mind.

You cannot ‘will’ it away.

When one focuses too much on thought, and not enough on feelings, an imbalance of energy occurs. This is true for so many situations, but let’s focus on anxiety.

To live life from intellect only is something that men especially struggle with.

I had a call with a man today. He was a bit confused because he thought it was good to call his wife when he gets anxious so that she could listen and talk it through with him. I asked him why he felt the need to call her and speak about his anxiety with her. He said it was because he felt better after talking to her and he thought he was supposed to talk about his feelings. However, he also mentioned that she was beginning to resent this… and therefore called me.

There are a few problems with this.

  1. He is acting too much from feminine energy and
  2. This then causes her to ‘mother’ him which is masculine energy,
  3. He is relying on her to rid his anxiety.

My client has forgotten that he has a choice. He can choose what to focus his energy on and what he wants to feel in the moment. If his energy is anxious/low energy, it doesn’t help to distract from the feeling/energy and call his wife in order for her to ‘fix’ it. It is much better to not ‘resist’ the feeling. He needs to embody the feeling and perhaps breathe through the feeling. Pay attention to the feeling – do not ‘think’ it away. If the feeling is there, it is for a reason.

By processing the feeling, he will notice it move through him easier. Once processed, he will feel more empowered and able to focus his energy elsewhere. In other words, feel disappointment and sadness, and realize he has the option to feel and think different thoughts that will allow him to feel differently.

He is now empowered to take control of his life; to move energy through his body with focused attention to thought, processing feelings (feeling the energy move through him), which allows different thoughts to infiltrate and regain his focus and awareness towards what he wants the rest of his day to look like. This in turn balances each other’s masculine and feminine energy and subsequently, supports their relationship.

I Start to Spiral

I Start to Spiral

I hear the following often: ‘ and then I start to spiral’.

In summary, women are telling me that they find themselves in a helpless and uncontrollable position. They tell me their mind takes over and thus so do their behaviours. The behaviours that follow are not favoured. Examples may be texting a person you do not want to text, yelling at your children, or emotional eating – just to name a few.

The cause of this ‘lack of control’ is simple. They have created a thought loop that stems from the subconscious.

I am not going to go deep into the psychology of the minds (conscious, subconscious, and superconscious) but just know that there are many stored memories in the subconscious, likely from childhood.

In step 1 of my transformational program, we look at these stored thoughts that continually cycle through the mind, which then become beliefs. We must realize that the more awareness we place on the thought, the more we believe it is true and the more it manifests into our reality.

In step 2 of the program, we train our mind to focus our awareness on other areas of the mind that contain a higher frequency of happiness, peace, and joy. By focusing on these energies more often, we begin to rewire the mind and our behaviour changes.

I can think of a few women in my program who, while in a new relationship, spoke of how they ‘spiralled down’ quickly because of their partner’s behaviour and their patterned thoughts related to low self-worth. We used the power of awareness (being conscious of the thoughts and beliefs about themselves in the moment of hurt) and thus quickly shifted their awareness to the higher energies in their minds. After weeks and months of practising this, they realized that it is indeed possible to re-engineer their thought patterns. Soon they did not allow their energy to drop suddenly based on a simple comment or behaviour from someone near to them. They realize they can preserve and covet their happiness at any given moment IF they became aware in the moment.

Step 3 of the program is focused on repetition. When we notice that our awareness is shifting to old patterns of thoughts and emotions that carry low energies (frustration, guilt, shame, jealousy, or self-judgement) we shift our awareness to thoughts of higher frequency energy (joy, love, harmony, peace, divinity) and our energy and behaviours consequently shift. We essentially are rebirthed and transformed. This transformational process becomes life-changing for these women.

The next time you find yourself ‘spiralling’ please refer to this post. If I can help you to free yourself from unwanted behaviours or break free from an unhappy relationship into a relationship that celebrates you and your authenticity, feel free to contact me.

 

You Can’t Talk Your Spouse out of an Addiction

You Can’t Talk Your Spouse out of an Addiction

If your partner is struggling with drug abuse, normally just talking to him or her isn’t enough. I see it over and over that partners seem to live on ‘hope’ for so long before finally being able to draw a line in the sand. Normally separation unfolds. Whether or not divorce follows afterwards is your partner’s ability to ‘do the work’.

I had a man who came to me with incredible anxiety and a history of 45 years of alcoholism. He was divorced for many years but still had a good relationship with his ex.

Over the first couple of sessions, he weaned himself off of medication including cannabis. After about 6 sessions and building a deeper rapport with him, I told him that there was very little I could do regarding his anxiety, shame or guilt UNTIL he stopped drinking for good. I asked him to please go to rehab as most cannot do it on their own…he said he could not… and replied ‘I got to do it on my own if I am going to do this’ to which I replied ‘ okay you have a week to get sober and if you can’t say no to alcohol, then there is no point continuing on with me’.

It felt cold for me to say it…but necessary.

He did it. He came back one week later and told me he quit that day.

We have had a few sessions since but yesterday was so incredibly moving for both him and I. He was 35 days sober and I just had to ask him: ‘What was the exact catalyst for you to move past that fear of what was on the other side of your addiction?’

His answer: “When you told me I couldn’t come back.”

{Mic drop}

Well, we were both bawling.

Let me be clear. This is not about me (as a therapist/coach). This is all about the drive for connection. And the connection starts with you. Am I worthy of having that connection with another person?

If you are struggling with an addiction and you still have some sense or desire of what it feels like to connect deeply with another human, then you have hope. For those whose addictions do not allow their minds to have enough moments of clarity and contemplative thought within that cycle of addiction, then there may not be hope. And – there is no one to blame in this cycle – it just is.

I spoke to him at the exact right time when his desire, his hunger, and his need for connection for himself as well as for me, was enough to overcome his addiction. His inner work now continues.

He is not loving by what he sees in deep reflection as he struggles with guilt and shame in the process, but his yearning for connection now manifests from his new frame of reference – when his mind is clear.

As author MaryAnn DiMarco described it beautifully, “We learn to separate genuine humility, a divine value, from the search for approval, and ego-based addiction.”

Join me in my upcoming Masterclass: Finding Peace and Hope in Your Current and Past Relationships. For more info on my Masterclass click here.

Facing That Inner Critic: It Is All About Stepping Out From Behind The Bushes

Facing That Inner Critic: It Is All About Stepping Out From Behind The Bushes

This post is a continuation of last week’s post on What Type of Self Critic Are You? Thus, it may be helpful for you to read that post first (however, not entirely necessary).

Let’s face it, we ALL HAVE FEARS about being judged by others. Even the most highly confident person’s energy will plummet when they read or hear a negative comment about themselves. It is not surprising therefore that public speaking is ranked as one of the most feared experiences. We all want to get to a place where our resilience and boundaries are strong when it comes to the negativity  and our low mood is brief. We should feel the hurt, but it should be acute, not chronic.

I believe that overt critics, a type of self-critic I described in my previous newsletter, easily sink into this hurt like quicksand. They fall hard and it typically lasts too long. They are in low energy for hours, days, and in the worst case, most of their lives. This low energy is all too familiar to them, and thus, it can feel comforting, or at least familiar, for them to be in this space. Overt critics are generally the ones who constantly ‘wait for the other shoe to drop’ in every situation …they are pessimistic and noticeably lack joy in their lives.

On the other hand, the covert critic is terrified of accepting any criticism into their psyche. They resist it the same way they would resist jumping into an ice bath, even within the dialogue with their selves. They can foresee the pain it would cause them and thus avoid it; yet, at the same time, they secretly know it would take away a lot of the noise that courses through their mind – the noise in their head that constantly screams at them ‘you must be perfect’. These people pride themselves on being tough, resilient to pain, optimistic, independent, strong, and forward thinkers. For more explanation of this type, again, please jump to last week’s post.

So how do self-critics of any type go to a place to where they can love themselves, become authentic and experience more joy in their lives? They do it by facing their fears. The more you step into fear and less away from it, you will love yourself and experience true joy.

I know, to read this seems incredibly ridiculous. Think of all those aspects of yourself that you are afraid other people might see. What would people say if you displayed your whole self: who you want to be, the things you want to do, the things you actually want to say? What would it feel like to have that whole self out in the open rather than hiding behind the bushes like you have done your entire lifetime.

Here’s a thought experiment: what if, after working at a job for 20 years, you realize that you want a different career and you were worried about how your spouse might react? ? But what if you didn’t care what your spouse said and INSTEAD followed what your heart told you to do?

I can think of many other examples of ways that people hide their true selves. What if you felt confusion surrounding your sexuality but were terrified to admit it? What if you purged some older friendships that you knew weren’t serving you any longer and instead sought out friendships that aligned to your authentic self? What if you started to dress in a way that was more to your liking, rather than to follow a certain trend or preference by a partner? What if you decided that a long-term intimate relationship wasn’t serving you anymore (and never did support your authentic self) and it was time to leave? What if you decided to travel to (or even live in) the place where you could be more of yourself?

“It is MORE than okay to want more out of life. Afterall, you only have one life to live.”

via @luellajonk

What if? What if? What if?

Do you see yourself daydreaming as you go to that imaginary place? What if I told you it doesn’t need to be imaginary and it can be your reality? Do I see a smile on your face? Yeah, me too.

This post may sound like it should be written as a script to the next Walt Disney animated film, but it doesn’t have to be. In a child’s mind this is all possible. A child is not guarded nor fearful unless fear was instilled into them. A child has no filter, only dreams. I am asking you to reflect on what your dream is, the one that it scares you to admit out loud, to do some deep reflection and dreaming and ask yourself: what do I really, really want? (Let the Spice Girls’ hit song be your own personal anthem). This doesn’t have to be a place of imagination.

As I’ve mentioned before, it all starts with slowing your thoughts, getting rid of the noise, and allowing yourself to do the deep reflection. You can do this through meditation, or with a therapist, a partner that listens and not judges, or just you and your journal. One would think it would be obvious as to what you want, but often it is not. Personally, I think that it is not so easy because we have been ingrained from childhood to ‘be satisfied’ with what you have.

From a young age we are taught ‘to be grateful for what you have’. Even I, as a therapist, proclaim this in my room. However, is this place of gratitude allowing you to be joyful MOST of the time? OR are you just placating to the situation you feel you have no choice but to be in – that you have settled with – that you are merely content with?

Maybe you want more than this – and if you do that is okay. It is MORE than okay to want more out of life. Afterall, you only have one life to live.

I want you to accept who you are, what you need, and then go after it. That might take you to a scary place, a place you want to resist entering – a place in which you have used distraction to avoid. Distraction normally comes with a lot of noise – noise in your head. Once you get rid of that noise you will realize much more easily what you really really want. I encourage you to sit in silence and let your mind wander to that place. Feel the feeling that comes with that place and let that energy remain with you throughout the day.

If what I have written here doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, I would encourage you to listen to Episode #14 of my podcast. The woman I interviewed in this episode explains it all with more feeling than I can do in a written post. I love, love, love her energy and she is a true testament to what it takes to overcome the noise.

To accept yourself is how you move out of self-criticism, whether you are a covert or overt critic. When you are afraid of showing people who you are, you stay hiding behind bushes. Instead, be a kid. Jump out from behind the bushes and start playing and being your true authentic and flawed self. Not only will you experience the energy of a two-year old, but you will smile like one.

Need help getting to this place? Stick with me because I intend on creating programs specifically for women who are reaching middle age and realizing they want more. I will teach you how to get there.

Episode 1 | Karen Martel

EPISODE 1

Hormone Balance: Understanding Your Body as a Woman with Karen Martel 

About This Episode

Not feeling well but not knowing why? Feeling fatigued, irritable, painful periods, and bloated?

If you have cycled through various diets and stepped back into your fitness regime but still have not found relief, it could very be because of hormonal imbalance.

Great news is that we have Karen Martel to shed some light on the topic of hormones & how they affect women’s bodies.

Together, we will give you all the information you need to improve your hormone health, so you don’t have to suffer in silence like millions of women do!

Show Notes

Hormones can make you feel like you’re swimming against the tide. But WHY?! And HOW?!

Karen Martel is a Certified Hormone Specialist & Transformational Nutrition Coach and women’s weight loss expert. 

Founder of the revolutionary program OnTrack a women’s hormone balancing & weight loss program. Host of the top-rated women’s health podcast The Other Side of Weight Loss.

I was very eager to have this intimate conversation with Karen about hormone balance because she is a person who I know will be changing the way that women look at hormonal issues. 

After struggling with her own health issues, Karen was determined to bring her knowledge to others with a bold new approach to women’s health and weight management. Karen’s passion lies in helping women breakthrough weight loss resistance and find their personal weight loss code through diet variation and hormone optimization. Karen is a health leader and researcher determined to revolutionize weight loss for modern women.

What you’ll learn from Karen’s story

  • Karen’s story on why she choose to be in the field of health and nutrition (2:53)
  • When Karen started digging deep into her weight problems (5:42)
  • Changing the next generation’s view on self-image (16:23)

Women’s confusion surrounding weight loss and how Karen addresses it

  • Understanding what estrogen dominance is (18:31)
  • Why do women experience cramping and abdominal pain (22:15)
  • Exploring what xenoestrogen is and how it relates to weight gain (23:35)
  • The only way to test how does your body break down estrogen (27:48)
  • Know the certain food that you can eat when you’re estrogen dominant (28:17)
  • Karen’s three-week estrogen detox program (30:17)

How hormones play a role in almost everything we feel in our body as women

  • Premarin and the lack of correct information on hormone replacements (33:25)
  • Getting to know what bioidentical hormones are and what most physicians know about it (39:30)
  • Why blood work is not an accurate way to test your hormones (40:08)
  • Touching on the topic of adrenal fatigue and what cortisol has to do with (42:09)

What it takes to improve our well-being and not suffer in silence like millions of other women

  • What makes us shift from the sympathetic to the parasympathetic (44:35)
  • Rethinking weight loss (47:20)

I hope that you’ll agree that knowing more about your body will ultimately empower you to make better, more informed choices about your health and wellness. 

Believe me, it’s so worth the effort! And I’d wager that learning about this information now is way better than stumbling upon this information later in life…

Host

Luella Jonk

Guest

Karen Martel