Emotional Affair

Emotional Affair

Many of us would love to call ourselves trustworthy, but are we? And do we trust our partners? Do we even trust ourselves?

What if we find ourselves one day discovering that we have stepped into the chasm of betrayal by our partner. Now what? Would it be a deal breaker for you? Was it a deal breaker for you?

In my experience as a coach, I have seen couples’ relationships dissipate quickly – because betrayal was a deal breaker for them. However, 90% of my couples remained together.

There is no proven coaching formula to follow because, to be honest, it really depends on the individual/couple. For some, it gave them permission to end an already terrible relationship, but for many others, it is devastating because it shattered their reality.

The big question asked is always “Why? How could you do this?”. And the common answer is “ I don’t know”. I hear this answer constantly, which just injects more frustration into the situation.

Being trained in the Gottman Method of Couple Counselling has definitely helped me in my coaching practice, as the couple is taken through a series of steps to repair and regain trust. However, to me, it simply reiterates the need for each person in any given relationship to own their worth and identify as an individual, not solely as a couple.

Your happiness does not rely on your partner. You must always remember this no matter what stage of your relationship.

Because of this, I feel the more mature the relationship, the stronger the staying power to work on the relationship. In the newer relationships (~8 years or less) the quicker the relationship ends. I understand the newer couples have ‘less skin in the game’, meaning they may or may not have children at this point, or the time to prove their love for one another.

I have coached many couples through these hard times and the ability to trust once again is extremely difficult, despite truly wanting the relationship to work and deeply loving their partner. As mentioned above, for some it is a deal breaker. They know themselves well enough to realize they will never be able to trust this person again. This is where the real work lies; reconnecting with yourself and engaging on a personal journey of emotional growth and evolution.

I particularly remember one couple I worked with; the woman had ‘trust issues’ prior to stepping into her current marriage. Because she hadn’t done the deep emotional work on herself to trust another person again, she found herself in a second marriage with a husband who had an emotional affair. Rather than me ‘fixing her husband”, I worked with her. I helped her build herself up to choose to make the right choice, mainly by ridding the old paradigms of what she once believed of herself, which is always done in pillar 1. I helped her to reconnect with herself on many different levels in a way that she eventually started to honour herself once again and discover her own values. When her husband began to see her strength, he was more connected and committed to her.

I hope that none of you ever had their hearts broken because of betrayal. However, if you have please let me know if I can help.

I Start to Spiral

I Start to Spiral

I hear the following often: ‘ and then I start to spiral’.

In summary, women are telling me that they find themselves in a helpless and uncontrollable position. They tell me their mind takes over and thus so do their behaviours. The behaviours that follow are not favoured. Examples may be texting a person you do not want to text, yelling at your children, or emotional eating – just to name a few.

The cause of this ‘lack of control’ is simple. They have created a thought loop that stems from the subconscious.

I am not going to go deep into the psychology of the minds (conscious, subconscious, and superconscious) but just know that there are many stored memories in the subconscious, likely from childhood.

In step 1 of my transformational program, we look at these stored thoughts that continually cycle through the mind, which then become beliefs. We must realize that the more awareness we place on the thought, the more we believe it is true and the more it manifests into our reality.

In step 2 of the program, we train our mind to focus our awareness on other areas of the mind that contain a higher frequency of happiness, peace, and joy. By focusing on these energies more often, we begin to rewire the mind and our behaviour changes.

I can think of a few women in my program who, while in a new relationship, spoke of how they ‘spiralled down’ quickly because of their partner’s behaviour and their patterned thoughts related to low self-worth. We used the power of awareness (being conscious of the thoughts and beliefs about themselves in the moment of hurt) and thus quickly shifted their awareness to the higher energies in their minds. After weeks and months of practising this, they realized that it is indeed possible to re-engineer their thought patterns. Soon they did not allow their energy to drop suddenly based on a simple comment or behaviour from someone near to them. They realize they can preserve and covet their happiness at any given moment IF they became aware in the moment.

Step 3 of the program is focused on repetition. When we notice that our awareness is shifting to old patterns of thoughts and emotions that carry low energies (frustration, guilt, shame, jealousy, or self-judgement) we shift our awareness to thoughts of higher frequency energy (joy, love, harmony, peace, divinity) and our energy and behaviours consequently shift. We essentially are rebirthed and transformed. This transformational process becomes life-changing for these women.

The next time you find yourself ‘spiralling’ please refer to this post. If I can help you to free yourself from unwanted behaviours or break free from an unhappy relationship into a relationship that celebrates you and your authenticity, feel free to contact me.

 

How to Attract a Partner Who Wants What You Want

How to Attract a Partner Who Wants What You Want

At some time in our lives, we have gone through the process of trying to figure out why this person broke up with us. We go through the last few interactions with this person (if it was a new relationship), and question if it was something you said, or didn’t say, did or didn’t do… there must be a reason, but what is it?

And, so the dialogue with yourself begins:

What is wrong with me? Why do I always attract the person that inevitably doesn’t want to be with me? All I want is a companion that I can laugh, play and do life with. Why NOT me?

 If this sounds like you, you are not alone. Searching for that perfect person may seem like an endless journey. However, I need to remind you that the length of the journey doesn’t matter in retrospect, it is the pot of gold at the end that will make you realize it was worth it since the journey is all about growth and learning. The fact that ‘the one’ has not yet appeared simply means you are still evolving to the point that your energy will best align with the partner that completes you as a person. The evolution will continue past the point of connection; however, you will now do it together. So, you can relax simply in the knowing that it will become your reality.

Many women lose patience in the journey. They give up because they are tired and fed up. Fed up searching online dating sites, fed up being matched, fed up with getting excited about a person they seem to really like and connect with, only to be rejected once again. They spiral down into self-doubt, self-judgement, and hopelessness. This is where the problems sit. The reinstatement of all the low-energy thoughts keeps them stuck. They have stepped out of the present and into themselves and their ego, along with the ‘should-ofs’ that cycle through their heads like a whirlwind.

 Recently, I had a woman in her 40s describing the exact scenario. She was extremely down and discouraged because of a one-month relationship ending. She realized it was too short to become extremely attached, but she said it had been one year since she felt any attraction to any man, so it was exciting for her. He ended it quite suddenly and his reason was that he wasn’t ready for marriage. She felt this was ridiculous because she never once said that was in her vision and told him that it would be fine to just be with each other as companions. He again said no.

I explained to her that she didn’t have to articulate the words ‘ I want to settle down’ because she emulated her energy spoke the words for her and he astutely picked up on it. She asked me how she could rid this low energy once and for all. We began with step 1 of my program. I helped her to choose the new words she would tell herself to replace the old words of self-deprecation. In step 2 we established the micro-goals or opportunities she would have on any given day to establish a new way of self-talk that aligned with the confident woman she longed to rebirth. In step 3, we continue to build this habit of thought until the habit built her (up).

In other words, when she relaxed and practised self-awareness, it was much easier to catch her thoughts and fill herself with self-love and self-honour. The happiness was felt consistently, despite being alone. It is only at this time that she was now ready to attract a man who wants to settle down with a lifelong companion.

If you resonate with the story that you are not worthy enough of a lifelong partner that adores and honours you, feel free to reach out to me. It turns out it is not that difficult to attain, once you understand the science of love.

The Universe is Always Working With You: Will You Work With It? | Part 2

The Universe is Always Working With You: Will You Work With It? | Part 2

If you recall from Part 1 of this post (look at the prior post from last week), you have the choice all day, every single day, in how you see yourself, think of yourself, and believe in yourself. This will literally change your molecular structure! And this brings in the law of polarity.  Feelings are neither good nor bad. That would be like saying seasons are objectively good or bad, but the way you see snow can be completely different from another person. For example, snow to a snowboarder it is heaven, but to  a surfer it is hell. When you look inside, and you start to judge your feelings as good or bad, then you are creating a reality of yourself. You are bringing this concept of yourself, with ‘good’ and ‘bad’ aspects, into reality.

Tip: Next time you have a bad thought, instead of judging it as bad, maybe name it ‘interesting’ instead.

Once you focus on the person you want to be and only see yourself as this person, it comes right back to you, and you will become that person. If you look inward and see yourself as beautiful, whole, exceptional, sensational, magnetizing, and if you move through your day participating in behaviours that reflect this state, then you are that person. It is about becoming focused and aligned to what you want. Going back to the law of polarity, I want you to think of the molecules that make up a nonmagnetic piece of metal compared to a magnetic one. The molecules themselves are not what makes one metal magnetic over the other. Instead, it is how the molecules are aligned. I cannot be a political figure since I never resonated with this identity, ever. I cannot be a nature hater because I identify myself as a nature lover. Do you get it? You cannot become someone unless there is some part of you that sees you as this person. Pick one trait you LOVE about yourself and realize that YOU BELIEVE this about yourself with unshakeable conviction. You have never second guessed that part of you. That is the only reason you are ‘that’ – it is because of a belief. Belief comes only with practice, intention,  and repetition. That’s it. The challenge lies in the fact that you need to allow that belief to come in. As much as you might desire your goal, unless you THINK you can get behind that goal, it is not going to happen. When I say get behind it – you need to raise your emotional energy and vibrate at the same frequency of a person who already has your goal you desire. How does that person walk into a room? How does that person hold their head? How do the muscles on their face look? Do they have a slight rise in the corners of their mouth? Do they look relaxed? Are they humorous to those around them? Do they assume the best, or expect the worst? Do they show trust and faith? Or are they judgemental? You will see the shift happening, at first ever so subtle, but then it becomes more consistent and easier. This is where the law of perpetual transmutation of energy comes into effect. This law means that even the smallest actions can result in profound effects. It is like planting a seed and recognizing that it has a gestation period. That recognition allows you to be patient and trusting of the process. Think of it as accessing a muscle that you have never accessed before. It is like ’ Wow, I never knew that muscle was even there’. This analogy simulates expanding your mindset.

And from here, it only gets better. 

You shift faster and faster and it gets easier and easier to change your mindset, which changes your reality. You become more faithful to the process because you notice you ‘feel’ differently. The more you practice, the quicker you achieve your desire – whatever that might be. It takes the same amount of energy to dream big as it does to dream small – so why not dream big? You might be wondering, does this mean if you master vibrating at a higher frequency, then your life will be perfect?

Heck no!

Why? Because of another law of the universe called the law of perpetual motion. You likely have heard of the term “life is a rollercoaster” or “ life has its ups and downs,” and this is true. However, each stage of life, with all its challenges, has many gifts to offer. If you can see the challenges as opportunities, then when they knock on your door you can ask, “ What lesson are you teaching me today?” It is very likely that in the future, you will look back and value the lesson learned. The last two remaining laws are some of the most beautiful. The law of giving and receiving is about balance, maintaining an equilibrium or a level of homeostasis in life.  I see this as being one of the most important laws of the universe in terms of how this law is connected to the most precious gifts – our health. When a symptom arises it is a sign of dis-ease (of mind, body, or soul), which in turn alerts us to take notice. Whether that symptom comes in the form of anxiety, cold, a rash, an auto-immune disease, or whatever,. it is telling us something. The body always wants to return to equilibrium. The law of compensation is the universe’s way of taking care of us, and it would be to our advantage to acknowledge and trust in this law. Basically, it states that we will receive payment for all our service as long as we are open to receiving it. We must stay open and expansive and not closed and tense. Once we become aware of our worth – then we are compensated freely and easily. This can be in the form of love, money, health, joy, and acts of kindness. Realizing your potential ,which includes and believing in and honoring your potential, is very important for this law to manifest in a positive way. Remember, the law will respond similarly to how you feel. If you feel you are worthless and have nothing to contribute to the world, then your results will be reflective of this law. Trust in yourself. Trust in the universe. Believe in yourself. Remember that the Creator has given you a great gift: the ability to choose every single day how to think, feel and believe. Feel from a place as though your desires and dreams have come true. If you do this I am convinced you will move through your day with so much more joy. You will see the world is a lovely place to be living. 
Who a Woman Is and What She Wants

Who a Woman Is and What She Wants

I have had this energy about me for the last several days surrounding who women are meant to represent, what they thrive off of and what they need, want, and desire.

Ironically, as I typed out the title of this random blog post I also google-searched ‘International Women’s Day 2022’ and found out it is tomorrow!! If that isn’t the universe speaking to me, I don’t know what is…

So one might think that being a therapist and being a woman I would know the answers to all of this, but I didn’t, until I really gave it some thought. Let’s just say ‘age and experience’ has provided me with some hard-acquired wisdom. And quite honestly, I feel that most of us women walk around this world not even knowing what our desires are.

We were raised to be proper, pretty, and prim but, most importantly, to be obedient. How often did we hear things like “good girls don’t do that “? We might be told things like ‘follow that gut instinct” and “nothing is more powerful than a woman’s intuition,” but these run counter to a deeper messaging that’s instilled almost from birth: that we should feel guilty about following our own wishes.

There is some truth in a woman’s intuition indeed. We have levels of emotion – a feelings side of us that is like no other. Our physiology compliments this by providing us with a monthly hormonal cycle that is delicate and plays a large role in providing us with the intuition and guidance within us. Although many women see this as a curse, it should be seen as our strength. If we only had more insight towards these hormonal changes cycling through our veins, I think we would be more forgiving towards ourselves. But, as with so many things about female anatomy, our hormonal cycles are woefully understudied.

A woman is powerful, intellectual, incredibly talented and insightful but also has a massive ability to feel and connect. We are feeling creatures and because of this, we often allow others’ words and behaviours to stop us from doing what our heart long for us to do. The emotive part of ourselves is often what stops us before we start. Over the generations, societal pressures played a strong role in the messaging that girls need only to play with dolls and not be confrontational, whilst hearing “boys will be boys”, and thus let them just be.

What we need instead is to honour our needs and not apologize for having these strong desires. We need to begin to listen to our thoughts and not displace them for ‘when we have the time’. We need to sit with the thoughts of not aligning our needs with what is in front of us – our reality. We need to change our reality to fit our desires – by….changing our thoughts we have about our needs. Define what your needs are and then start telling yourself these desires are available to me, but only if I truly believe they are…and YES they are!

“Define what your needs are and then start telling yourself these desires are available to me, but only if I truly believe they are…and YES they are!”

via @luellajonk

You take the thoughts about your desires and wants, and put emotion and feelings behind the thoughts (as if you are already there). In other words, feel as if your desires are already happening and stay with that energy – vibrate in that energy and pratice staying in that state – and your dreams will come true. Work with me – and you will see this for yourself.

I cannot end this post without telling men what women want out of a relationship. Even though I hear men tell me that women are complicated entities, we are no more complicated than they are. We are at the bare minimum in simplicity. We want true connection. We want you to listen to us from the depths of your intellect – not solve our problems for us (unless we ask you to). We want you to honour our feminine energy and step back when we are distracted and distant and move towards us when we feel strong and desirable. We want to know you have our backs no matter what. We want to know that you support all of our heartfelt desires and needs. We want you to applaud our achievements and give us a hug when we fail. We want you to take the time to understand us. We want you to ask us ‘what do you need from me today’? We don’t necessarily need the compliments and flowers, but we might? We need you to be a dedicated dad and we need you to love yourself and honour your own needs.

If any of this has resonated with you – work with me.

To end, I wanted to share a song with you that my 17 year old son shared with me. He asked me ‘ do you know this song mom?’ I answered ‘yes! An oldie but a goody!’ and was delighted to know that he actually listens to music such as this piece. I hope he is able to say these words to his partner someday – I know it will mean a lot to her, and to me as his mother.

Women – be kind to yourselves today and always. Give yourself the grace to take time for yourselves – journal, walk, meditate and breathe.