Having Difficult Conversations are Necessary in a Relationship

Having Difficult Conversations are Necessary in a Relationship

Many of us feel the need to play it safe. We don’t want to ‘rock the boat’. The problem with this is that your relationship stays stagnant.

I would say that 80% of couples come to me stating they have difficulty communicating to one another.

Stepping into safety by not talking about how you feel about something they did or say is the most common way of playing it safe. Most people think these discussions will end in about conflict and think ” it is not worth the argument’.

But that is my point, it doesn’t have to be an argument!

Some common examples might be not expressing your disinterest in cooking, how your partner dresses, or their hygienic practices, the fact that they can never place their cup in the dishwasher, etc. This doesn’t need to be a big, sit down discussions, but simply a mention. You can say something like ” hey, it is not a big deal, but it would be great if you could….” and if your partner answers ” well, it is a big deal”. Then you could reply – okay, just thought I would like you know how I feel… I still love you anyway. There is a VERY high chance that after hearing your response, they may gradually start behaving differently.

This is how to navigate a relationship properly: 1) Access what are the deal breakers and practice having difficult conversations in order to reestablish your self-worth, 2) For the smaller disappointments – the non-deal breakers, just let them know that the little things you do for them are done not because you feel you need to do it, but because you want to do it, because…you love them.

When you practice honouring yourself in a relationship in a very kind and gentle manner, you grow and your relationship grows.

Saying nothing about how you feel about certain aspects or behaviours about your partner is likely a sign that there is a ” I should” behind your behaviours or thoughts. Those two words – I SHOULD – are always of sign of feeling misaligned in the sense that you are doing from a place of societal or parental views of what you SHOULD BE rather than what you simply ARE.

Knowing that you have the right to feel and express your feelings is the most important aspect of your self growth as well as in your relationships.

If your partner is not willing to grow with you – then this will need to be looked at more closely.

This is one of the topics I will cover in my upcoming Masterclass: Finding Peace and Hope in Your Current and Past Relationships. For more info on my Masterclass click here.

How to Attract a Partner Who Wants What You Want

How to Attract a Partner Who Wants What You Want

At some time in our lives, we have gone through the process of trying to figure out why this person broke up with us. We go through the last few interactions with this person (if it was a new relationship), and question if it was something you said, or didn’t say, did or didn’t do… there must be a reason, but what is it?

And, so the dialogue with yourself begins:

What is wrong with me? Why do I always attract the person that inevitably doesn’t want to be with me? All I want is a companion that I can laugh, play and do life with. Why NOT me?

 If this sounds like you, you are not alone. Searching for that perfect person may seem like an endless journey. However, I need to remind you that the length of the journey doesn’t matter in retrospect, it is the pot of gold at the end that will make you realize it was worth it since the journey is all about growth and learning. The fact that ‘the one’ has not yet appeared simply means you are still evolving to the point that your energy will best align with the partner that completes you as a person. The evolution will continue past the point of connection; however, you will now do it together. So, you can relax simply in the knowing that it will become your reality.

Many women lose patience in the journey. They give up because they are tired and fed up. Fed up searching online dating sites, fed up being matched, fed up with getting excited about a person they seem to really like and connect with, only to be rejected once again. They spiral down into self-doubt, self-judgement, and hopelessness. This is where the problems sit. The reinstatement of all the low-energy thoughts keeps them stuck. They have stepped out of the present and into themselves and their ego, along with the ‘should-ofs’ that cycle through their heads like a whirlwind.

 Recently, I had a woman in her 40s describing the exact scenario. She was extremely down and discouraged because of a one-month relationship ending. She realized it was too short to become extremely attached, but she said it had been one year since she felt any attraction to any man, so it was exciting for her. He ended it quite suddenly and his reason was that he wasn’t ready for marriage. She felt this was ridiculous because she never once said that was in her vision and told him that it would be fine to just be with each other as companions. He again said no.

I explained to her that she didn’t have to articulate the words ‘ I want to settle down’ because she emulated her energy spoke the words for her and he astutely picked up on it. She asked me how she could rid this low energy once and for all. We began with step 1 of my program. I helped her to choose the new words she would tell herself to replace the old words of self-deprecation. In step 2 we established the micro-goals or opportunities she would have on any given day to establish a new way of self-talk that aligned with the confident woman she longed to rebirth. In step 3, we continue to build this habit of thought until the habit built her (up).

In other words, when she relaxed and practised self-awareness, it was much easier to catch her thoughts and fill herself with self-love and self-honour. The happiness was felt consistently, despite being alone. It is only at this time that she was now ready to attract a man who wants to settle down with a lifelong companion.

If you resonate with the story that you are not worthy enough of a lifelong partner that adores and honours you, feel free to reach out to me. It turns out it is not that difficult to attain, once you understand the science of love.

Being Judgemental of Yourself and Others

Being Judgemental of Yourself and Others

Do you sometimes catch yourself saying words like ‘ I don’t get why he is so ….’ Or ‘ if he could only be …’. If you do, stop yourself right there and ask yourself these questions instead:

  • What could I have said instead to not have made our discussion go south?
  • What was it about my body language that might have made him so angry?
  • Did I really need to comment on that past event, or could I have focused on our plan for the future?
  • What triggered me about his comments, and could I have managed my emotions better once triggered?
  • Should I have left the conversation earlier rather than win the conversation?
  • Yield to win, rather than need to win.
  • Why did I need to point out that flaw of his that I know bothers him?

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point; I have control of my thoughts, my emotions, and my feelings always. I am the regulator of my emotions, not some other external cause. It is okay for you to be sad, angry, or upset at the moment, but we don’t need to carry that emotion on our backs throughout the day. Feel it but don’t be it. Let that energy move through you and release.
When we judge ourselves, we tend to judge others. The journey towards perfectionism is a long and lonely one and takes you away from becoming the best version of yourself and also the best partner in your relationship. Being able to see your own flaws just as much as you see the flaws in your partner is one of the key aspects of building a solid relationship.

I think we can all remember a time that we stepped away from an argument with our partner feeling hopeless and helpless because we desired so desperately for him to tell us “Yes, you are right and thank you for showing me the light towards becoming more like you”. As I write this I am almost laughing – but it is so true! I can honestly say that 90% of the couples that come to me have this idea that I will ‘fix’ their partner. I likely will be able to make them more aware of how best to communicate, but until they fix themselves through self-reflection and self-regulation of their own emotions, the chances of me curing their relationship of all woes are very unlikely.

So, the next time you become upset and have an argument with your partner, think of this post and start asking yourself the questions above. You will not only elevate yourself in terms of empowerment by realizing that your joy does not rely on your partner to make you happy, but most of all, you have a greater sense of awareness and thus, a more extraordinary ability to achieve happiness in the moment. We do this in pillar 1 of my method where we begin to question our patterns of thoughts, feelings and emotions in real-time. You might even be excited to begin a future discussion since you have learned from your past mistakes, and will now implement changes in the future.

As always, I welcome any comments, thoughts, or desires to connect with me. Feel free to get in touch with me if you desire to control your own happiness.

Discovering the root cause of a physical or mental dis-ease is always the first step.

Discovering the root cause of a physical or mental dis-ease is always the first step.

From there on we look forward, we don’t stay fixed on the past.  For example, in the applied science of engineering, we use knowledge to design, analyze, and construct for practical purposes. When the titanic sank to the bottom of the sea, the engineers didn’t sit around and discuss for years why it went down, but instead they engineered a new ship that would minimize this occurring again in history.

In regards to emotional health, it’s very important to be aware of the root cause, but not to stay stuck in a belief system that is limiting you from attaining your goals.

Engineer your mind to construct the future you desire. It is a worthwhile task.

When Your Partner Craves a Substance More Than He Craves You

When Your Partner Craves a Substance More Than He Craves You

If you are someone who has been in a committed relationship in which your partner is struggling with substance abuse or misuse, you will certainly relate to the words on this page. No one wants to compete for attention with a drug or behaviour, whether it be cocaine, alcohol, work, pessimism, or gambling. It is a very lonely place to find yourself.

Everyone has a different story as to why they started to take on an unhealthy habit. For some it might be trauma, others peer pressure, while for others it can be innocently beginning a to just feel what it was like, but after years of partaking realized that their own body’s physiology has changed, and the craving is now controlling them. They have normalized disconnecting from their body.

Difficult conversations need to happen between the couple. For the partner that chooses the substance over family and friendships, it is a choice of whether they are ‘interested’ in breaking the cycle of addiction, or whether they deeply want to change. I have a lot of individuals coming to me that are interested in quitting, but very few who are committed. I can reflect back to how I helped a woman break free from a relationship where her partner chose a drug over her.

I explained that she did not need to feel embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed of her decision to step away from the relationship. The solution lies in looking inside herself. What sort of person is she aligned to becoming? When asked this question, she realized that her values aligned with family life, spending time with the children, and building a future together that would support one another as they work towards a shared vision of what their life might look like once the children have left the family home, and retired from their respective careers. As clarity and light penetrated her loneliness, she didn’t approach him with blame and criticism as she once did. Instead, she used loving words to communicate that she decided to honour herself and her needs, and therefore took responsibility towards herself and left the marriage. Every woman’s decision to remain in a marriage is based on many variables and must be treated case by case. However, it all starts with self-honour and then practising this skill set daily to build a new thought pattern that reflected her values.

I hope that in the process of sharing my experiences as a coach might shed light on what your next steps may be. You are welcome to contact me if a similar transformational journey is something you crave.

Resentment

Resentment

Build-up of resentment is extremely common in any relationship. The problem is that it will never go away unless you bring your attention to it. You need to get rid of it before it creates a wall between you and your partner. If years go by with built-up resentment, the wall becomes more like a fortress.

Holding on to resentment towards your partner is like ingesting poison but expecting your partner to suffer. It doesn’t make sense. Why would anyone want to ingest negative emotions and embody this low-energy state? Have worry and low mood ever helped you in life?

Many women tell me they have difficulty refocusing their thoughts when they have been wronged, misunderstood, unappreciated or betrayed. The hurt is deep within.

What I feel is most helpful is reminding my client that they have the power to choose different thoughts. We need to remind ourselves that we have developed a patterned way of thinking from a young age, and those patterns do not always serve us well.

I was recently counselling a couple in which the man used a method of communicating to his wife that involved a lot of shaming, contempt, and judgement. This of course caused his wife a lot of emotional turmoil. I suggested to her that she should first remove herself from the discussion and ask him to continue it when he can use a different pattern of communication. I advised the woman that once she had removed herself and was alone with her thoughts, she shouldn’t ignore the hurt.

Instead, I advised her to really investigate her emotions.. Example: I feel _____ because I interpreted his words as truth. Are they true? If they are true, then I told her to ask herself,‘ What could I do to change my behaviour?’ but if they are not true then she needs to recognize there is no truth in that story. Once she has established that the story isn’t true, she can go on with her day. Choose different thoughts. Choose thoughts that bring her joy and elevate her. Perseverating on the disagreement brings no value.

When you find yourself in a similar situation, you are either deciding that you want to change your behaviour to become a better version of yourself, or that your partner’s words were full of untruths, and you can let it go. Finally, if your partner is hurting inside and struggling within himself, see this for what it is and show him compassion. Send him loving energy. You have now elevated yourself and overflowed with peace and harmony within, so why not share?

Also, remind yourself of what your shared meaning is together as a couple. This is a mere bump in the road. Remind yourself what you are holding in your mind’s eye as a long-term vision of you and your partner. What are you doing to honour that vision right now? Are your thoughts coming from a place of abundance? Or a place of lack? What can you do right now to change your vision of yourself in a way that honours your personal identity and brings you joy? Can you see your partner being part of that long-term shared meaning? If not – what feelings and thoughts can you choose that help to support the shared meaning for yourselves?

Upon changing your way of thinking, you then need to practice this over and over until it is automated, and you can find joy in all moments of your life. Creating a habit of thought through repetition makes life effortless.

Helping individuals find joy in their own personal life and seeing it transfer into relationships is what gives me joy. Let me know if you need help doing this for yourself by sending me an email.