Facing That Inner Critic: It Is All About Stepping Out From Behind The Bushes

Facing That Inner Critic: It Is All About Stepping Out From Behind The Bushes

This post is a continuation of last week’s post on What Type of Self Critic Are You? Thus, it may be helpful for you to read that post first (however, not entirely necessary).

Let’s face it, we ALL HAVE FEARS about being judged by others. Even the most highly confident person’s energy will plummet when they read or hear a negative comment about themselves. It is not surprising therefore that public speaking is ranked as one of the most feared experiences. We all want to get to a place where our resilience and boundaries are strong when it comes to the negativity  and our low mood is brief. We should feel the hurt, but it should be acute, not chronic.

I believe that overt critics, a type of self-critic I described in my previous newsletter, easily sink into this hurt like quicksand. They fall hard and it typically lasts too long. They are in low energy for hours, days, and in the worst case, most of their lives. This low energy is all too familiar to them, and thus, it can feel comforting, or at least familiar, for them to be in this space. Overt critics are generally the ones who constantly ‘wait for the other shoe to drop’ in every situation …they are pessimistic and noticeably lack joy in their lives.

On the other hand, the covert critic is terrified of accepting any criticism into their psyche. They resist it the same way they would resist jumping into an ice bath, even within the dialogue with their selves. They can foresee the pain it would cause them and thus avoid it; yet, at the same time, they secretly know it would take away a lot of the noise that courses through their mind – the noise in their head that constantly screams at them ‘you must be perfect’. These people pride themselves on being tough, resilient to pain, optimistic, independent, strong, and forward thinkers. For more explanation of this type, again, please jump to last week’s post.

So how do self-critics of any type go to a place to where they can love themselves, become authentic and experience more joy in their lives? They do it by facing their fears. The more you step into fear and less away from it, you will love yourself and experience true joy.

I know, to read this seems incredibly ridiculous. Think of all those aspects of yourself that you are afraid other people might see. What would people say if you displayed your whole self: who you want to be, the things you want to do, the things you actually want to say? What would it feel like to have that whole self out in the open rather than hiding behind the bushes like you have done your entire lifetime.

Here’s a thought experiment: what if, after working at a job for 20 years, you realize that you want a different career and you were worried about how your spouse might react? ? But what if you didn’t care what your spouse said and INSTEAD followed what your heart told you to do?

I can think of many other examples of ways that people hide their true selves. What if you felt confusion surrounding your sexuality but were terrified to admit it? What if you purged some older friendships that you knew weren’t serving you any longer and instead sought out friendships that aligned to your authentic self? What if you started to dress in a way that was more to your liking, rather than to follow a certain trend or preference by a partner? What if you decided that a long-term intimate relationship wasn’t serving you anymore (and never did support your authentic self) and it was time to leave? What if you decided to travel to (or even live in) the place where you could be more of yourself?

“It is MORE than okay to want more out of life. Afterall, you only have one life to live.”

via @luellajonk

Tweet this

What if? What if? What if?

Do you see yourself daydreaming as you go to that imaginary place? What if I told you it doesn’t need to be imaginary and it can be your reality? Do I see a smile on your face? Yeah, me too.

This post may sound like it should be written as a script to the next Walt Disney animated film, but it doesn’t have to be. In a child’s mind this is all possible. A child is not guarded nor fearful unless fear was instilled into them. A child has no filter, only dreams. I am asking you to reflect on what your dream is, the one that it scares you to admit out loud, to do some deep reflection and dreaming and ask yourself: what do I really, really want? (Let the Spice Girls’ hit song be your own personal anthem). This doesn’t have to be a place of imagination.

As I’ve mentioned before, it all starts with slowing your thoughts, getting rid of the noise, and allowing yourself to do the deep reflection. You can do this through meditation, or with a therapist, a partner that listens and not judges, or just you and your journal. One would think it would be obvious as to what you want, but often it is not. Personally, I think that it is not so easy because we have been ingrained from childhood to ‘be satisfied’ with what you have.

From a young age we are taught ‘to be grateful for what you have’. Even I, as a therapist, proclaim this in my room. However, is this place of gratitude allowing you to be joyful MOST of the time? OR are you just placating to the situation you feel you have no choice but to be in – that you have settled with – that you are merely content with?

Maybe you want more than this – and if you do that is okay. It is MORE than okay to want more out of life. Afterall, you only have one life to live.

I want you to accept who you are, what you need, and then go after it. That might take you to a scary place, a place you want to resist entering – a place in which you have used distraction to avoid. Distraction normally comes with a lot of noise – noise in your head. Once you get rid of that noise you will realize much more easily what you really really want. I encourage you to sit in silence and let your mind wander to that place. Feel the feeling that comes with that place and let that energy remain with you throughout the day.

If what I have written here doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, I would encourage you to listen to Episode #14 of my podcast. The woman I interviewed in this episode explains it all with more feeling than I can do in a written post. I love, love, love her energy and she is a true testament to what it takes to overcome the noise.

To accept yourself is how you move out of self-criticism, whether you are a covert or overt critic. When you are afraid of showing people who you are, you stay hiding behind bushes. Instead, be a kid. Jump out from behind the bushes and start playing and being your true authentic and flawed self. Not only will you experience the energy of a two-year old, but you will smile like one.

Need help getting to this place? Stick with me because I intend on creating programs specifically for women who are reaching middle age and realizing they want more. I will teach you how to get there.

What Type of Self-Critic Are You?

What Type of Self-Critic Are You?

0 comments

As a therapist I see a lot of people who are self-critical. Throughout the years I’ve come to identify two types of self critics. There is no literature that I could find describing the two types, so I simply dubbed these types as overt self-critics and covert self-critics.

I will explain the two types and let me know whether these thought patterns seem familiar to you.

Overt Self-Critic: This is what I would describe as the more common form of self-criticism; the self-critic that tells themselves that they are a ‘bad ‘person because they inflicted hurt on another human being. No one enjoys inflicting pain on another person; as humans we are wired for love.

When this type of self-critic perceives that they’ve hurt someone else, they go into an anxious personal space where the only thing they can focus on is how the other person feels. If that other person said something disparaging about the self critic, the self-critic will feel that this statement is true. They do this quietly and possibly subconsciously, not even aware they are doing so at times. I would describe this person as having very low self-esteem and low self-worth. They spiral down. This person may or may not show it outwardly – for example, many of my clients may note a high heart rate (hovering close to 100 bpm) and I would never know it from just looking at their exterior. However, they tell me their anxiety is through the roof. They may have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep.

Self-Critic Type 2: These are the self-critics we don’t talk about very much, but they are out there. These people are self-critical because of a belief they have about themselves based in past experiences or trauma. These past experiences could have occurred in childhood or even before birth (the science of epigenetics) or from an experience that took place a week ago. The experiences could be based largely on cultural and/or societal influences. Think about a Black or Indigenous person and how their experience of marginalization might have shaped their lives.

“Many Covert Self-Critics don’t even realize they lack joy in their life. And that, my friends, is a sad state of affairs.”

via @luellajonk

Tweet this

So how can you tell an Overt Self-Critic from Covert Self-Critic? And why does it even matter?

It matters because I feel there are many, many Covert Self-Critics who don’t even realize they lack joy in their life. And that, my friends, is a sad state of affairs.

For the Overt Self-Critic, the anxiety is much more overwhelming. Also, you can often see it in their behaviours daily. For example, this person has a lot of difficulty planning, and quite often they are a people pleaser; they fear what others might think of them and known as Obligers according to Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendency Quiz. They can also be quite critical of others. And since they are insecure, they may be defensive because of an inner fear they have of being seen as wrong. Again, they normally have low self-esteem and low confidence in a global sense.

In reference to the Covert Self-Critic, this person may come off as very confident. They have no problem disappointing someone because they know that their needs are important and more so, they understand that they are of no good to anyone unless they replenish their own bucket before ladling out to others. They take care of their needs and are not bogged down with others’ problems, because they know that in order for them to feel good, they need to keep their energy up. These folks can come out as Upholders on Gretchen Rubin’s Quiz. They tend to be optimistic individuals and crave peace and harmony. They are quick to decide and are often leaders or entrepreneurs. They are very disciplined, quite often to a fault. They do not know what self-care looks likes. If this type is a woman, they are too far on their masculine side.

There is a quiet part of this second type of self-critic that they don’t want anyone to know about, because they see it as a sign of weakness. It might only be 10-20% of their makeup, but when they are in that 20% space, they are ruthless and extremely self-critical. No one has necessarily told them that they failed or are failing in this area, but they are constantly judging themselves on it. They tend to be real thinkers and analyzers. They are often deeply intellectual, but again, to a fault. They don’t give themselves a chance to breathe or to be human sometimes. They find a lot of peace in routine and can be very militant in their behaviours. They take ‘good habit’ formation to its highest level.

Examples of this second type of self-critic could be someone that struggles in interpersonal relationships. Maybe they view themselves as an inadequate mother because they saw their own mother struggle with self-doubt raising her own children. Or maybe they’re a very confident woman that has a terrible relationship with food, looking at each meal as getting a pass or fail score because to her food is is either good or bad, it is never just food that you need to eat because you are hungry. The woman in this second example may appear confident on the outside, and does not care what others think of her, but she is anxious as she prepares to eat or angry at herself later for not eating something she deems unhealthy.

So why am I bringing this to your attention? Because some of you out there are very aware of your anxiousness and the sense of constant self-scrutiny. Yet, there are also many others who don’t see themselves as unhappy, anxious, or stressed…yet if they did some deep reflection and slowed the thoughts, they might have a true realization of what it means to feel joy all – the – time. They have made ‘perfectionism’ so normalized, they are not even aware of it. They are not aware of the amount of adrenaline shooting through their bodies and ‘must not fail’ or ‘be weak’ or ‘do lesser than’ part of them that is on constant high alert because of constantly measuring themselves up to others.

How to get out of this need to succeed? How can we take that pressure off ourselves to always measure up to ________? The answer will be in next week’s post. But to give you a teaser, it is related to tapping into your physical energy. What makes you smile, dance, radiate, stand upright…

Till then, I would like you to gain more awareness of how you feel at any given moment, as you go about your day. Are you too much in your head? Are you catastrophizing something that no one else sees? Are you judging yourself as you engage in normal daily behavior? Or can you just exist and live gregariously? Can you be you and still feel joy?

Episode 1 | Karen Martel

0 comments

EPISODE 1

Hormone Balance: Understanding Your Body as a Woman with Karen Martel 

Download episode

About This Episode

Not feeling well but not knowing why? Feeling fatigued, irritable, painful periods, and bloated?

If you have cycled through various diets and stepped back into your fitness regime but still have not found relief, it could very be because of hormonal imbalance.

Great news is that we have Karen Martel to shed some light on the topic of hormones & how they affect women’s bodies.

Together, we will give you all the information you need to improve your hormone health, so you don’t have to suffer in silence like millions of women do!

Show Notes

Hormones can make you feel like you’re swimming against the tide. But WHY?! And HOW?!

Karen Martel is a Certified Hormone Specialist & Transformational Nutrition Coach and women’s weight loss expert. 

Founder of the revolutionary program OnTrack a women’s hormone balancing & weight loss program. Host of the top-rated women’s health podcast The Other Side of Weight Loss.

I was very eager to have this intimate conversation with Karen about hormone balance because she is a person who I know will be changing the way that women look at hormonal issues. 

After struggling with her own health issues, Karen was determined to bring her knowledge to others with a bold new approach to women’s health and weight management. Karen’s passion lies in helping women breakthrough weight loss resistance and find their personal weight loss code through diet variation and hormone optimization. Karen is a health leader and researcher determined to revolutionize weight loss for modern women.

What you’ll learn from Karen’s story

  • Karen’s story on why she choose to be in the field of health and nutrition (2:53)
  • When Karen started digging deep into her weight problems (5:42)
  • Changing the next generation’s view on self-image (16:23)

Women’s confusion surrounding weight loss and how Karen addresses it

  • Understanding what estrogen dominance is (18:31)
  • Why do women experience cramping and abdominal pain (22:15)
  • Exploring what xenoestrogen is and how it relates to weight gain (23:35)
  • The only way to test how does your body break down estrogen (27:48)
  • Know the certain food that you can eat when you’re estrogen dominant (28:17)
  • Karen’s three-week estrogen detox program (30:17)

How hormones play a role in almost everything we feel in our body as women

  • Premarin and the lack of correct information on hormone replacements (33:25)
  • Getting to know what bioidentical hormones are and what most physicians know about it (39:30)
  • Why blood work is not an accurate way to test your hormones (40:08)
  • Touching on the topic of adrenal fatigue and what cortisol has to do with (42:09)

What it takes to improve our well-being and not suffer in silence like millions of other women

  • What makes us shift from the sympathetic to the parasympathetic (44:35)
  • Rethinking weight loss (47:20)

I hope that you’ll agree that knowing more about your body will ultimately empower you to make better, more informed choices about your health and wellness. 

Believe me, it’s so worth the effort! And I’d wager that learning about this information now is way better than stumbling upon this information later in life…

Host

Luella Jonk

Guest

Karen Martel

Resources

Hormone Quiz by Karen Martel

Connect with Karen

Podcast:
The Other Side of Weight Loss Podcast

Website: https://karenmartel.com/

New Ways of Dealing with Stress

New Ways of Dealing with Stress

By now I think we have all heard something about the gut/brain connection. That is, how the food you eat affects your thoughts and emotions and how your thoughts and emotions affect the health of your gut.

How is this possible? There are a few ways.

One of the main vessels of communication is via the vagus cranial nerve. It travels from the brain and innervates the digestive tract. You can now probably relate – at some point in your life you may have received some bad news, followed by a terrible sensation in the pit of your stomach. Have you ever heard of irritable bowel syndrome or IBS? This is a common bucket term in medicine for when a patient comes in describing bouts of loose stool or constipation. Well, it turns out this condition has a lot to do with your thoughts, emotions, and feelings you are experiencing.

How about the messages from the gut to the brain? If things are not right in the gut, such as bad bacteria or inflammation due to toxins or food sensitivities, our head doesn’t feel right. The vagus nerve also secretes cytokines (chemicals that carry information) into the intestines, which impacts the health of the bacteria and lining of the intestines.

The second way the gut affects the brain is through inflammation. The gut will send out pro-inflammatory cytokines (again, informational molecules) – which activate the stress response by signalling to a region in the brain called the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus then starts communicating to our pituitary gland to help regulate hormones (again, informational molecules) so it can start doing the work it needs to do. In the case of inflammation, the hormone cortisol will take priority. This intricate system communicates so well, it prioritizes an urgent response by setting off vagal tone. When cortisol production is in high gear, the vagal tone is low. It is the vagal tone that ‘reads’ the health of your microbiome, which then modulates inflammation. Overall, a low vagal tone will impact not only your mental health, but also blood sugar regulation (contributing to high cholesterol), autism, migraines, diabetes, heart health, and autoimmune diseases. Therefore, as the frequency of cortisol (stress, trauma) increases, our health decreases. It is important for you to understand this delicate ‘wiring’ and method of communication is our body’s way of protecting us from danger. If our bacteria are not balanced (more bad bacteria than good) then it will want us to ‘wake up’ by secreting more cortisol and take action.

“Inflammation can be sourced via gut health (through food choices) just as much as it can be from the brain (through uncomfortable thoughts).”

via @luellajonk

Tweet this

The PROBLEM is if we make this more of a chronic condition (ongoing) rather than an acute condition (how it evolved to be) we are going to slowly adapt to this condition. This is an important point for both your overall mental health, as well as for your physiology.

Let me provide you with an analogy. If you often have joint pain or headaches, you might be a frequent user of an anti-inflammatory medication, such as ibuprofen (Advil, Aleve, etc.). The more you mask the inflammation, the more you will normalize the inflammatory response and the more drug you will need to get the same ‘effect’ from the drug. Sadly, this is how addictions start taking over your life. Dampening the response system (remember that alcohol and nicotine are toxins), the more you will need this drug to feel a response (whether that be a sense of calm or a sense of excitement). Similarly, if you continue to ignore the stress (toxic thoughts) in your life, the more you tolerate the stress response and the more this becomes your normal.

Our bodies have an amazing way of adapting (surviving). We naturally adapt to small amounts of stresses to be resilient. The problem (toxic thought) is sometimes so small (think of it as a tiny leak behind a wall), we don’t even realize it is there until it is too late. Your thoughts are following a trend over the long term and that trend is not going in the right direction. Your contentment, or happiness, is trending down. Think of adverse child experiences (ACE). Every client who sees me needs to fill out an intake form on ACE. I have seen it myself and literature shows it as well, the higher your ACE score, the more your health suffers.

Thus, the moral of this story is … pay attention to what signals your body is sending. Do not ignore. Remember acute cortisol from time to time is normal – chronic is not. However, I understand how it is not always easy to detect low lying cortisol – just as it is not easy to detect low lying inflammation. If we pay more attention to what we are putting in our bodies every day, the puzzle becomes less difficult. If you want more information on what foods you should be choosing, I can easily help you out. A lot of this is not rocket science, as you know. Despite what you hear out there, this is not about choosing a certain ‘diet’. As Michael Pollan stated so well, eat food (a.k.a. nothing made in a production plant). Not too much. Mostly plants.

Then there are the other lifestyle factors we can easily modulate to keep our stress in check. These include sleep optimization, securing healthy relationships (this includes with yourself), exercise, and a strong sense of community. I interchange community with spirituality. The more you feel you are not alone, the healthier you become.

In summary, inflammation causes disease. Today I explained how inflammation can be sourced via gut health (through food choices) just as much as it can be from the brain (through uncomfortable thoughts). How you choose to perceive your thoughts and how you pay attention to your thoughts will affect the health of your microbiome. It will either cause your healthy bacteria to thrive or your bad bacteria to increase, causing downstream effects. The vagus nerve will sense the health of your gut and start communicating to your hypothalamus to choose a high or low vagal tone.

As a functional medicine practitioner and therapist, I simplify inflammation as having four sources: Food, bugs, toxins (environmental), and traumas.

On the next blog post I will provide you with tips on how to improve vagal tone. Until then, if anyone wants to get a head start on bringing down body inflammation, don’t hesitate to reach out to me.